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Star Trek: Burnham Knows Sacrifices Must Be Made (Sorry, Lt. Dangle)

Welcome back to the next chapter in our side story demonstrating how the "Star Trek" franchise may be the only ones to literally keep ViacomCBS' most viable IPs alive as they make their journey up Paramount Mountain. Confused? Okay, what we're actually talking about is a series of teasers being put out to promote that CBS All Access is being rebranded as Paramount+ starting March 4 in the U.S. and Canada and in other parts of the world later that month. But the teasers have actually been a lot of fun, demonstrating the heroic leadership that only Starfleet can provide. So far, our own bit of "fanfic" has focused on Star Trek: Strange New Worlds' Capt. Christopher Pike (Anson Mount) and Science Officer Spock (Ethan Peck), with Pike and Spock secretly keeping the team alive, motivated, and moving forward. Of course, we found out there are lines that can't be crossed- like when Pike had to put down an insurrection against Dora the Explorer by none other than Coach Bill Cowher and his "talking clipboard" (yup, you read that right). But then we also saw the healing hand of Spock, stepping in to save the life of a Crank Yankers character from puppet frostbite.

But this time around, we're learning that Star Trek: Discovery is also being well-represented by none other than Capt. Michael Burnham (Sonequa Martin-Green)- once again taking command as her team encounters an icy bridge not strong enough to support their weight (with Burnham taking the risk to check, of course).

So of course a plan needs to be put into place and fast- Burnham's specialty. The only way they're going to get across that bridge? They're going to have to lose some weight.

Some like the MTV Video Music Awards "Moon Man" was willing to throw down his flag to help the others. While others we won't name? Not so much…

But leave it to a lawman like Lt. Dangle (Thomas Lennon) from Reno 911! to be willing to strip down to his tighty-whities if it helps the group- even if the group looks like it was willing to consider pretty much every other option first:

But then a harsh possibility becomes a tragic reality. The only way they're getting across that bridge is if someone is willing to take a hit for the team by staying behind. It speaks volumes to Burnham's leadership that she inspires others to be willing to sacrifice- though we can't shake this feeling that Dangle's somehow going to find a way to hitch a ride or find a sweet bicycle to get him up that mountain. Maybe Nick Swardson's Terry throws him some rollerskates. But for now? A sacrifice is made!

In the end, the tribe has spoken and… hey! How the hell did Coach Cowher make it through? The dude tried to undermine Dora- wtf?

Now that we've walked you through the next chapter in the story in our head that still has no clear ending, check out the following teaser for the next month's big shift as the journey leads to "Expedition: Ice Bridge":

The move comes as ViacomCBS looks to strengthen its footprint on an ever-more-crowded streaming landscape by highlighting its portfolio of broadcast, news, sports, and entertainment brands. So what that means is all of that content you've been enjoying on CBS All Access ("Star Trek" franchise, The Twilight Zone, etc.) will be making the move to Paramount+. Outside of North America, March 25 sees the rebranding go live in the Nordics and mid-year sees the transition happening in Australia. Viewers will get a preview of what they can expect on February 24 when an overview of the company's streaming plans for Paramount+, Showtime's OTT service, and the free, ad-supported Pluto TV will be presented as part of ViacomCBS' quarterly earnings report.

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