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The Last AEW Dark Recap of Donald Trump's Presidency

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from underneath the Marine One helicopter, where I am currently hanging by one hand as Trump leaves Washington for the last time. Comrades, I just want to make sure he goes. I need to see it with my own eyes. But El Presidente's duties as a wrestling dirt sheet continue, unlike Donald Trump's presidency after today, so I will also recap last night's episode of AEW Dark for you, amigos.

AEW Dark Recap for January 19th, 2021

Ricky Starks is on commentary with Excalibur and Taz for this episode of AEW Dark.

Luchasaurus vs. Brandon Cutler

Luchasaurus cuts a promo about dragons. That's just ridiculous, comrades. There's no such thing as dragons! On the other hand, a lot people believe that, except for Luchasaurus, dinosaurs are extinct. But that's just more imperialist American propaganda. El Presidente personally had a very large dinosaur constituency. And they all loved me! Haw haw haw! Anyway, Luchasaurus wins.

Winner: Luchasaurus
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Sammy Guevara vs. El Australiano

I was always a big fan of Sammy's father, Che Guevara, who influenced me a lot when I led a socialist revolution and became the dictator you all know and love today, comrades. Sammy inherited a lot of his talent, in my opinion. He uses it to win the match here with GTH.

Winner: Sammy Guevara
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

If only Che had the same luck in Bolivia! In any case, Sammy cuts a promo after the match about becoming a champion. You have it in you, little fella!

Nick Comoroto vs. Scorpio Sky

Whew, that was a close one, comrades! I was so engrossed in that last match that I barely noticed Marine One was landing. Thankfully, your El Presidente is an advanced physical specimen, so I was able to pull myself up on top of the landing gear. Now they are playing Don't Stop Believing as President Trump prepares to depart the helicopter. I can only hope it ends the same way for Trump as Tony Soprano, comrades… what?! Tony lived, didn't he?!

Winner: Scorpio Sky
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Marti Daniels vs. Shanna

Shanna wins this very quick match which, despite its length, still contains a botched finish. It's better than The President's speech at Joint Base Andrews though! Woof!

Winner: Shanna
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

How long do you think before Melania files for divorce? A soon as they touch down in Florida?

The Butcher and The Blade vs. Mike Verna and Baron Black

Comrades, you know El Presidente has no love for Baron Black. The aristocracy must be destroyed and all that. But he's a pretty good wrestler, even I must admit. Thankfully, my socialist brothers The Butcher and The Blade take care of him.

Winners: The Butcher and The Blade
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Adam Priest, Ryzin, and Vary Morales vs. The Gunn Club

Billy Gunn and his large adult sons make for a great trios team, comrades, and they have a pretty good match with Priest, Ryzin, and Morales here.

Winners: The Gunn Club
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Santana and Ortiz vs. Jon Cruz and Danny Limelight

Not much to say about this match. Santana and Ortiz make quick work of Cruz and Limelight, getting all tuned up for the Inner Circle triple threat on Dynamite tonight.

Winners: Santana and Ortiz
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

After the match, "Pretty" Peter Avalon comes to the ring and cuts a promo. Apparently he will have some kind of beauty contest with Lee Johnson on Dark next week. How hard is it to win a beauty contest, comrades? El Presidente has won hundreds of them. What judge would dare vote against me? Haw haw haw haw!

Lee Johnson and Aaron Solow vs. Private Party

Speaking of Johnson, he and Bayley's boyfriend have a match with Impact Wrestling number one contenders Private Party. It doesn't go well for them. Matt Hardy interferes to help Isiah Kassidy pin Solow for the win.

Winners: Private Party
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Alex Gracia vs. Big Swole

Another episode of dark, another opportunity for Alex Gracia to do the job. She does, giving Big Swole another win.

Winner: Big Swole
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Sonny Kiss vs. Zack Clayton

Sonny Kiss is back, and he needs to get his heat back after losing to Miro to end 2020. It's like when I was jailed after a coup attempt in the early nineties but came back later to win the presidency and begin the glorious revolution. Kiss gets a similarly important win here in a short squash match.

Winner: Sonny Kiss
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

KC Navarro and AJ Kirsch vs. Top Flight

Top Flight, of course, pick up the win in this one, comrades. They have a match against Private Party on Dynamite, after all. Going up against Private Party when they are the Impact number one contenders is a lot like going up against the United Socialist Party when El Presidente is running. There's just no chance of winning. Literally no chance because my secret police would execute anyone who votes against me. Haw haw haw haw! no one is executed here, but Top Flight do get the win.

Winners: Top Flight
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Tesha Price and Katalina Perez vs. Ivelisse and Diamante

Excuse me, comrades. El Presidente snuck onto Air Force One while the crowd was distracted by YMCA, but Trump and his family were right behind me. Now, I am hiding underneath Ivanka Trump's seat, but she keeps farting, comrades! And they are wretched farts! Totally rotten! It is the worst torture El Presidente has ever endured, but still not as bad as the beatdown Ivelisse and Diamante give prices and Perez.

Winners: Ivelisse and Diamante
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

The Acclaimed vs. Shawn Dean and Fuego Del Sol

In the penultimate match of this episode of AEW Dark, The Acclaimed take on Shawn Dean and Fuego Del Sol. You know, your El Presidente could have had a promising rap career if I didn't turn my attentions toward bringing forth a socialist utopia and, later, rigging elections for Joe Biden and reporting about pro wrestling. So I identify with The Acclaimed, comrades, and I am glad to see them get the win in this one.

Winners: The Acclaimed
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Lucha Brothers vs. Chaos Project

In the main event, Lucha Brothers face Serpentico and Japanese Deathmatch Legend Luther. It's a good match that leaves both teams looking good, but Pentago pins Serpentico to get the win and put this episode of AEW Dark to rest, just like Donald Trump's presidency.

Winners: Lucha Brothers
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

As always, thank you for reading El Presidente's recap of AEW Dark, comrades. I have to go so I can prepare to parachute out of Air Force One so that I can make it back to Washington to see Joe Biden's inauguration. Until next time: socialism or death, amigos.

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