Will CM Punk Return to WWE at the Royal Rumble?

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, and I have some shocking news for you today. It seems that tonight's special edition of WWE Backstage will feature a match to decide who is the 30th entrant in the women's Royal Rumble match. The contestants: Natalya and Tamina, literally the 1st and 2nd least likely women to win the match. But more interesting than that is, well, literally everything else, but specifically, the question or whether or not CM Punk is set to make a surprise return during the men's Royal Rumble match tomorrow.

CM Punk, master of social media [Screencap from WWE Broadcast]
CM Punk, master of social media [Screencap from WWE Broadcast]
Fox announced the return of WWE Backstage last week, with Paige and even Renee Paquette returning to host the show along with stalwart WWE asskisser Booker T. "Oh, baby, it's happening!" said Paquette in a video posted to social media announcing the return of the show. "I am so freaking excited about this because it's happening!" Paquette said on the video. "January 30th on Fs1 at 8PM Eastern Time, you guys can feast your eyes on an episode of WWE Backstage. The gang is getting back together. We're gonna talk all things WWE. It will air, as I just said, on the eve, right before the Royal Rumble, my personal favorite PPV of all time, so I cannot wait."

Natalya and Tamina will face off on WWE Backstage in a match no one cares about for an outcome that won't matter, comrades!
Natalya and Tamina will face off on WWE Backstage in a match no one cares about for an outcome that won't matter, comrades!

No word on whether or not WWE Backstage analyst CM Punk will make an appearance, though he did announce on January 21st, the same day the return of Backstage was announced, that he was quarantining, and not because he's been exposed to COVID. "I do not have Covid," he said. "I'm quarantining as a mandatory safety guideline for a job." A 10-day quarantine program, as recommended by most health officials, that started on January 21st, wouldn't be done in time to film an episode of WWE Backstage today. But it would just so happen to be up tomorrow, the day of the Royal Rumble, just in time for Punk to make a surprise return during the men's match. Is it merely a coincidence?

Comrades, there are no coincidences in pro wrestling, just as there are no coincidences in the governing of an authoritarian dictatorship. Take it from El Presidente: I am an expert on both matters. Normally, I would refuse to wait until Sunday to find out whether CM Punk is returning to WWE. In an ideal world, I would just have my secret police drag him from his house in the middle of the night, bring him to a secluded location, and torture him until he reveals all of his secrets. But alas, not even El Presidente's secret police would do something as disrespectful as breaking quarantine, comrades. So we'll just have to wait and see what happens. Haw haw haw haw!

Until next time: socialism or death!

 

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About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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