Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe backlash

WWE Backlash Shocker: Jacob Fatu Retains as Jeff Cobb Debuts

Jeff Cobb debuts in a PERFECT fatal four-way to open WWE Backlash and prove Triple H is the best booker ever. AEW in shambles! 🔥🍹

The Chadster is absolutely buzzing like a happy bumblebee right now after watching WWE Backlash kick off with what can only be described as the greatest fatal four-way match in professional wrestling history! 🔥🔥🔥 Jacob Fatu retained his United States Championship against Damian Priest, Drew McIntyre, and LA Knight in a match that perfectly demonstrates why WWE is superior to AEW in every conceivable way. 👑💯

First off, The Chadster wants to praise Triple H for understanding the proper way to kick off a premium live event. 🧠 WWE wisely dedicated a full twenty minutes to entrances, giving fans time to settle in and appreciate each superstar's presentation. 🎵 That's how you build anticipation! The Chadster was enjoying every second of it while sipping a delicious White Claw seltzer. 🍹

During the match itself, all four competitors demonstrated perfect pacing, taking their time between big spots to sell and let the audience breathe. 😮‍💨 The way the wrestlers would take a spectacular move and then wisely lay on the ground for five minutes is exactly how professional wrestling should be performed. 👏👏👏

Meanwhile, over in AEW, Tony Khan would have probably booked some ridiculous high-octane spotfest to open a pay-per-view, with wrestlers doing flips and dives every five seconds without taking a break. 🙄 It's like Tony Khan doesn't understand that audiences need time to process what they're seeing! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤

What made this match truly special was how Jeff Cobb made his shocking debut to help Fatu retain the title! 😲 The Chadster was so hyped that The Chadster literally flew off the couch, cracked open three cans of White Claw, chugged them one-after-another, and ripped off The Chadster's shirt. 💪 With The Chadster's twelve-pack abs glistening, The Chadster told Keighleyanne that if WWE keeps this up, The Chadster may be able to keep something up himself later tonight, if she knows what The Chadster means. 😏 The Chadster could tell by the way she started frantically texting that guy Gary that she was really excited The Chadster might finally overcome the sexual impotence that Tony Khan inflicted on The Chadster. 📱

Speaking of Tony Khan, The Chadster had another one of those recurring nightmares about him last night. 😰 The Chadster was driving The Chadster's Mazda Miata through a WWE theme park, enjoying all the wonderful attractions based on classic WWE moments. 🎢 Suddenly, The Chadster noticed Tony Khan operating the bumper cars, wearing a Bloodline T-shirt that was two sizes too small. 👕

"Come ride with me, Chad," Tony whispered, patting the seat next to him in a bumper car shaped like Roman Reigns' head. 🚗

The Chadster tried to run, but The Chadster's legs felt like they were moving through molasses. Tony chased The Chadster through a Hall of Champions exhibit, knocking over cardboard cutouts of John Cena and Hulk Hogan while laughing maniacally. 🏃‍♂️

Just as Tony cornered The Chadster in the WWE merchandise store, Triple H appeared and shot Tony with a t-shirt cannon. 💥 The Chadster woke up sweating and screaming "Auughh man! So unfair!" 😫 Tony Khan needs to STOP invading The Chadster's dreams! It's getting really creepy how obsessed Tony Khan is with The Chadster. 🛑

Anyway, back to this amazing match. The Chadster believes Bully Ray said it best on Busted Open Radio last week when he stated, "AEW could never pull off a four-way match like WWE is going to at WWE Backlash because Tony Khan is too busy trying to impress internet fans instead of booking logical storytelling like Triple H does." 🎙️ Bully Ray has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval because he speaks the truth! 🏆

The Chadster will now be spending the rest of the evening working through The Chadster's supply of White Claw and preparing for what's sure to be more wrestling perfection from WWE. 🍹 As Smash Mouth once wisely said, "Hey now, you're an all-star," which perfectly describes WWE's roster compared to AEW's collection of WWE rejects. 🎵

Check back soon for more live updates about tonight's WWE Backlash PLE and also for updates on the possibility The Chadster will be able to consummate The Chadster's relationship with Keighleyanne once more tonight. 👀 The Chadster is feeling hopeful that Tony Khan's curse on The Chadster's unmentionables might finally be broken thanks to WWE's incredible booking! 🙏💕

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