WWE Raw: Better Than Shoving a Rose Up Your Ass… But Only Just

The worst thing one can say about WWE Raw each week is that it's boring. And that remains mostly true about this week's episode of WWE Raw. But there were a few bright spots. Read on, and save yourself three hours!

WWE will go to extreme lengths to retain viewership for WWE Raw
WWE will go to extreme lengths to retain viewership for WWE Raw

WWE Raw Results – May 3rd, 2021

Raw opened with a coin flip to determine who will wrestle Bobby Lashley tonight. It's Braun Strowman. Now we know how WWE does its booking. Actually, 50/50 booking makes a lot more sense now.


AJ Styles and Omos cut the promo they would have cut the night after WrestleMania if one of them hadn't gotten COVID. Thankfully, New Day cut them off with a promo of their own, and a match for the Raw Tag Team Championships ensued. Styles and Omos retained.


Adam Pearce tried to check Sonya Deville for undermining him. You know this won't end well for Pearce.

Which of these two managers will be the scapegoat for bad Raw ratings at the next stockholder call?
Which of these two managers will be the scapegoat for bad Raw ratings at the next stockholder call?

Eva Marie announced her return to WWE in a video teaser. Eva-lution coming soon.


MVP and Bobby Lashley cut a promo on Braun Strowman.


Elias and Jaxson Ryker sought revenge on the New Day by tossing rotten tomatoes at them, but they hit Randy Orton by accident.


Charlotte Flair beat Dana Brooke in a match.


Afterward, Sonya Deville came out so Charlotte can Karen about Asuka getting a rematch against Rhea Ripley for the Raw Women's Championship. Sonya agreed to add Charlotte to the match at Backlash, promoting Rhea Ripley to come out and do some Karening of her own.  Asuka then came out and mocked Charlotte and Asuka for whining, making the whole thing worth it.


Sheamus attacked Umberto Carillo during an interview to prevent him from accepting the US Championship open challenge tonight.


Adam Pearce, or as he was known on the indies, Scrap Karen, once again tried to check Sonya Deville. She said he's right and they should make decisions together.


Miz and Morrison cut a promo about being pelted with tomatoes last week before Damian Priest faced John Morrison in a match. Priest won, despite attempts at cheating.

Who said wrestling isn't "cool" anymore?
Who said wrestling isn't "cool" anymore?

Mansoor signed a contract to join Monday Night Raw. Sheamus interrupted to brag to Adam Pearce about taking out Umberto Carillo. One thing led to another and Sheamus goaded Mansoor into accepting the open challenge.


MVP cut a promo for the third time tonight about Braun Strowman.


Lucha House Party fought Cedric Alexander and Shelton Benjamin in a match. Lince Dorado swore to give up his furry lifestyle if Lucha House Party couldn't beat these jobbers. It was a risky move, but they pulled it off, with Gran Metalik pinning Benjamin. Continue to be true to yourself, Golden Lynx!


Cedric Alexander flipped out on Shelton Benjamin after the match and broke up the team. It was mean.


Drew Gulak talked some trash to Angel Garza backstage and challenged him to a match.

Wait, he said he's gonna do what?!
Wait, he said he's gonna do what?!

Kayla Braxton interviewed Shelton Benjamin about what Cedric said. This will presumably lead to a feud between them.


Angel Garza fought Drew Gulak. Garza totally whipped his ass, and then, as he promised, he shoved his rose up Gulak's ass. Yes, really. To be clear, he took the rose, shoved it down the back of Gulak's pants, backed across the ring, and then did a running punt to shove the rose up Gulak's ass. Not a joke.

See?


Riddle and Randy Orton met up backstage and decided to team up again tonight. I low-key love this team. They faced Elias and Ryker in a truly joyous match that ended with an RKO and a Floating Bro, leaving RKBro's undefeated streak intact.


Kayla Braxton interviewed Drew McIntyre, who talked some trash about Mace and T-Bar. Braun Strowman interrupted to talk some trash about McIntyre.


Mansoor did indeed answer Sheamus's open challenge. Umberto Carillo interrupted so he didn't have to get pinned in his first match on Raw. Sheamus ended up Brogue Kicking them both anyway.


Alexa Bliss did another Alexa's Playground segment. These fail to come off as well as the Firefly Funhouse segments, largely because they take place in what is clearly the same backstage ring Kayla Braxton interviews everyone in on Raw and Smackdown, with different graphics on the LED boards behind it and a swing for Alexa to sit on. Build an actual god damn set for these if Alexa is gonna do them every week, you cheap bastards. If you can't commit to it, why should we?

This is what we look like two hours into WWE Raw as well.
This is what we look like two hours into WWE Raw as well.

Moving on… Lana and Naomi failed to defeat Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler (and Reginald) for the Women's Tag Team Championships.


MVP cut his fourth promo of the night before the main event. "In this herd of bulls, there can only be one dominant bull, and that dominant bull's name is Bobby Lashley."


Braun Strowman fought Bobby Lashley in the main event. After a suitable amount of time, Drew McIntyre came out to join the commentary booth. But after Lashley shoved Strowman into McIntyre, McIntyre distracted Strowman to allow Lashley to win. McIntyre took out both men after the match.


Raw ended with an announcement of next week's main event: Lashley vs. Strowman for the WrestleMania Backlash go-home show.

Good Raw tonight, right? Right??
Good Raw tonight, right? Right??

As usual, Raw had about forty minutes worth of decent material stretched out over three hours. I'm not hating on the Eva Marie return. She makes things interesting. I kinda love RKBro. And I got a kick out of the rose up the ass thing, just because it was so bizarre. Everything else was basically filler, or building to PPV matches that are filler, which is even worse.

About Jude Terror

A prophecy claims that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Unfortunately, nobody can tell when the comics industry has reached its "darkest days" because it somehow keeps finding new lows to sink to. No matter! Jude Terror stands vigilant, bringing the snarkiest of comic book and pro wrestling clickbait to the undeserving readers of Bleeding Cool.