Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: Early Start Time Today for Belfast Show

El Presidente previews tonight's WWE Raw from Belfast with CM Punk vs. Finn Bálor for the World Heavyweight Title at a special early start time!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private viewing bunker beneath the Presidential Palace, where I am preparing to watch tonight's episode of WWE Raw at the decidedly un-American hour of 3PM Eastern, 12PM Pacific. Why such an unusual time, you ask? Because the show is emanating from Belfast, Northern Ireland, and even the mighty WWE cannot force the laws of physics to bend to Triple H's will! Though I once watched Kim Jong-un try to do exactly that with a time zone during a particularly spirited game of Risk. He lost, both the argument and North Korea's eastern province in the game. But I digress!

Tonight's WWE Raw promises to be spectacular, comrades, as CM Punk defends his World Heavyweight Championship against Finn Bálor in what WWE is calling a "de facto homefield advantage" for The Prince. Ah, yes, fighting in front of your home crowd – I know this feeling well! I once had to suppress a minor uprising while my favorite telenovela was filming in the town square. The crowd was very supportive of my conflict resolution tactics, mostly because I provided free churros. CM Punk will not have such luxuries tonight, I'm afraid. Finn Bálor will have the entire Irish faithful behind him, and let me tell you, comrades, those Celtic crowds can be more intimidating than the CIA operative who keeps trying to poison my protein shake at the gym.

The tension between these two has been building like pressure in a revolutionary volcano, and tonight it erupts in championship combat! Will Punk's proletarian approach to professional wrestling overcome Bálor's princely heritage? This is the kind of class warfare I can get behind!

But wait, there's more! Gunther will be kicking off the show following his controversial victory over AJ Styles. Controversial victories are my specialty, comrades – I once won an election with 137% of the vote, and the only controversy was from the CIA-funded opposition who questioned my mathematics. Gunther understands that sometimes you must do what is necessary to achieve your goals, a philosophy I deeply respect.

Becky Lynch has reclaimed her Women's Intercontinental Championship from Maxxine Dupri, and they will do battle again next week. The Man versus the Pilates Princess! I can relate to Becky's fighting spirit – she reminds me of the time I arm-wrestled Fidel Castro for the last Cuban cigar at a dictators' summit. He claimed I used both hands, which was completely untrue. I only used one and a half hands, maximum.

In what can only be described as a mathematical massacre, Je'Von Evans will face El Grande Americano after systematically defeating Rayo Americano and Bravo Americano. This is what we call "working through the roster," comrades. I once did something similar when the CIA sent a family of agents disguised as a mariachi band to infiltrate my birthday party. I defeated them all in musical chairs. The Americano family should be warned – young Evans is on a mission!

And in six-man tag team action, Rey Mysterio, Penta, and Dragon Lee will battle Logan Paul, Bronson Reed, and Austin Theory. The Vision's crew against the luchador coalition! This reminds me of the time I formed an alliance with Hugo Chávez and Daniel Ortega to play paintball against a team of Wall Street executives. We won decisively, though the CIA claimed we used real paint that was "unnecessarily permanent."

Don't miss Monday Night Raw tonight at 3PM Eastern, 12PM Pacific, streaming on Netflix! Set your alarms, comrades – this early start time is not CIA propaganda, it's just geography!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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