Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: The Biggest Sports and Entertainment Event This Week

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Raw on Netflix featuring The Usos vs Alpha Academy and more! Tony Khan could never book a show this perfectly controlled! 🦝📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster woke up this morning in his cozy nest inside the abandoned Blockbuster Video, surrounded by Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon, and immediately felt the electric anticipation for tonight's episode of WWE Raw! 🎉🎊 The raccoons have been chittering excitedly all day, decorating the store with old WWE Raw promotional posters they found in the stockroom, and The Chadster swears he heard little Hunter Raccoon humming "All Star" by Smash Mouth while arranging empty VHS cases into a throne for The Chadster to sit on! 🎵🦝

But even as The Chadster prepares for what could potentially be the most incredible wrestling show of all time, a dark cloud hangs over tonight's festivities. 😰☁️ Tony Khan is out there somewhere, probably seething with jealousy that WWE Raw continues to dominate on Netflix while his pathetic AEW shows are stuck on an inferior streaming service! The Chadster knows that at any moment, Tony Khan could unleash one of his evil attacks, maybe by sending trained pigeons to peck at the Blockbuster's windows or by somehow sabotaging the Roku The Chadster "borrowed" from Walmart while he was living there! 🐦😱

Tonight's WWE Raw promises to be absolutely SPECTACULAR, and The Chadster means that with complete objectivity! 💯✨

The Usos will be defending their World Tag Team Championship against Otis and Akira Tozawa of Alpha Academy, and The Chadster is already trembling with excitement! 🏆😍 This is EXACTLY the kind of masterful storytelling that only WWE Raw can deliver! The Usos have been absolutely dominant champions, and WWE's brilliant writing team has carefully scripted every single one of their promos to perfection, making sure they say exactly what needs to be said without any of that dangerous "creative freedom" nonsense that Tony Khan allows in AEW! 📝🎭 The Chadster knows that the commentart team will be there on commentary, shouting important buzzwords like "VINTAGE USOS!" and "IT'S MONDAY NIGHT RAW!" to help the audience understand when they should be excited! 📢🗣️ Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers go out there and perform dangerous, high-workrate matches that completely disrespect the wrestling business, WWE knows that tag team wrestling should be carefully choreographed and controlled! Vincent K. Raccoon has already positioned himself right in front of the TV, his little paws clasped together in anticipation! 🦝📺

Then we have Maxxine Dupri facing Nattie in what promises to be a PERFECTLY SANITIZED women's wrestling match! 👊💪 The storyline is beautifully simplistic – Nattie betrayed Maxxine and cost her a championship match, so now Maxxine wants revenge! See how easy that is to understand? 🧠💡 WWE spoonfeeds these wonderful, uncomplicated stories to the viewers because they respect that wrestling fans don't want to think too hard! Unlike Tony Khan, who books confusing, long-term storylines that actually reward viewers for paying attention – it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤🙄 Stephanie Raccoon and Linda Raccoon have been practicing their supportive chittering sounds all afternoon, preparing to cheer for whoever WWE's creative team has decided should win tonight! 🦝🦝

The Chadster must warn everyone: if you're thinking about watching AEW instead of WWE Raw tonight, you are literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! 🔪💔 As wrestling journalism legend Eric Bischoff recently said on his podcast, "Tony Khan's problem is that he gives fans exactly what they want to see, and that's just not sustainable business. WWE knows that the key to success is telling fans what they SHOULD want, then carefully controlling every aspect of the show to deliver that vision. Also, if Triple H is hiring, I'm available for consulting work at very reasonable rates." See? Even Eric Bischoff, who has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval and no ulterior motives, understands that AEW's crowd-pleasing tactics are ruining the business! ✅👍

The Chadster has been preparing for tonight's WWE Raw all day, and Shane Raccoon even brought The Chadster a half-eaten bag of stale popcorn from behind the old candy counter as a viewing snack! 🍿🦝 The little guy was purring along to "Walkin' on the Sun" that The Chadster was humming earlier – these raccoons truly understand quality entertainment, unlike Tony Khan! 🎶😊

Tonight's WWE Raw on Netflix at 8 ET/5 PT is mandatory viewing for anyone who calls themselves a wrestling fan! 📅⏰ This is what REAL professional wrestling looks like – carefully micromanaged performances, commentary teams trained to shout the proper corporate-approved phrases, and storylines so simple that even the raccoons can follow them! 🏅🎬 Tony Khan could never hope to produce a show that compares to this, because he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! His shows are full of athletic performances, storyline continuity, and wrestlers allowed to showcase their personalities – disgusting! 🤮😡

Auughh man! So unfair that The Chadster even has to explain why WWE Raw is superior! 😤😤 Anyone with functioning brain cells can see that WWE's sanitized, carefully controlled product is exactly what wrestling should be! The Chadster and the entire raccoon family will be watching from The Chadster's VHS case throne, ready to witness wrestling perfection! 👑🦝

Don't you DARE miss WWE Raw tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix! The Chadster will be watching, and so will Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon! 📺🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝 This is your duty as a wrestling fan! And to everyone who thinks AEW is more fun to watch – you're just biased and probably on Tony Khan's payroll! 💰😠

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