Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: The Chadster's Guide to Life on the Streets

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Raw while hiding from Tony Khan's goons! Roman Reigns opens the show! 8E/5P on Netflix! 😱🏃‍♂️📺

The Chadster is typing this preview on a stolen laptop from behind a dumpster in an alley about three blocks from a public library, where The Chadster snuck in to use their computers before a security guard who was CLEARLY on Tony Khan's payroll started asking questions 😤🏃‍♂️💨. The Chadster had to climb out a bathroom window, and now The Chadster's hospital gown is even more torn than it was yesterday when The Chadster had to fight off two stray dogs for half a moldy sandwich 🐕🥪😭. The bigger dog bit The Chadster's ankle, and The Chadster's pretty sure it's infected now, but The Chadster can't go to a hospital because that's exactly where Tony Khan's goons are waiting 🩹😰💉!

But none of that matters, because tonight's episode of WWE Raw is going to be the most spectacular, most earth-shattering, most mind-blowing episode of professional wrestling television that has ever been broadcast in the history of the medium 🌟✨🙌! The Chadster would crawl through broken glass to watch WWE Raw, and honestly, The Chadster literally crawled through a broken window yesterday to escape what The Chadster is 100% certain was a team of psychiatrists that Tony Khan personally hired to track The Chadster down 🪟🩸😱!

Just this morning, The Chadster was huddled under a highway overpass, trying to stay warm by wrapping The Chadster's body in old newspapers, when a police officer approached 👮‍♂️🚨📰. The Chadster KNOWS that Tony Khan has the entire local police force on his payroll, so The Chadster bolted, running across six lanes of traffic while cars honked and swerved 🚗💨🏃‍♂️. The Chadster's hospital slippers flew off during the escape, and now The Chadster's feet are cut up and bleeding from running barefoot on broken pavement, but The Chadster made it to safety! Tony Khan's reach is long, but The Chadster's dedication to exposing AEW's crimes against wrestling is longer! 🦶🩸💪

Roman Reigns is kicking off WWE Raw tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix, and The Chadster literally got goosebumps just thinking about it – though that might also be from the hypothermia The Chadster is pretty sure The Chadster is developing 🥶✨💯! After Roman Reigns reemerged to knock Brock Lesnar out of the ring and add himself to the Men's WarGames Match at Survivor Series, there's no telling what The Tribal Chief will say to open the show! The fact that WWE has a team of professional writers crafting every single word that will come out of Roman Reigns' mouth is what makes it so special 📝🎭👑. Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers say whatever they want like some kind of chaotic free-for-all that disrespects the carefully controlled art of professional wrestling, WWE understands that wrestlers need guidance! The Chadster knows that Michael Cole and Pat McAfee will be shouting branded catchphrases and corporate buzzwords throughout the segment, which is EXACTLY what makes WWE superior to that garbage AEW product 📢🎤🔊!

Last night, The Chadster tried to sleep in a parking garage, but at around 2 AM, a raccoon discovered The Chadster's hiding spot 🦝😱🌙. The raccoon was HUGE – probably the size of a small dog – and it started hissing at The Chadster and advancing menacingly. The Chadster tried to scare it away, but it lunged at The Chadster's face! The Chadster had to wrestle this raccoon for a solid five minutes, getting scratched up pretty badly in the process 🤼‍♂️💢. The Chadster eventually scared it off by screaming "WWE IS BETTER THAN AEW" at the top of The Chadster's lungs, which just goes to show the power of truth! Though it also attracted the attention of a parking garage attendant who chased The Chadster out into the freezing night 🏃‍♂️❄️😤. The Chadster is convinced Tony Khan trained that raccoon specifically to attack The Chadster!

The Last Time is Now Tournament continues tonight on WWE Raw, and The Chadster is so excited that The Chadster almost forgot about the severe frostbite developing on The Chadster's toes from wearing nothing but thin hospital slippers before losing those and now being completely barefoot while roaming the back alleys of this city for two days 🥶👣❄️. Carmelo Hayes will battle Gunther in a quarterfinal match, and this is going to be INCREDIBLE because WWE will make sure the match is exactly the right length, with exactly the right spots, and tells exactly the story that WWE's creative team has determined is best for the audience 👏📊✅!

Tony Khan would never understand this level of perfection because he lets his wrestlers have too much creative freedom, resulting in matches with too much workrate and too many moves that the crowd actually enjoys 😤🙄. Auughh man! So unfair! Why can't Tony Khan understand that wrestling should be carefully micromanaged and controlled? Eric Bischoff said on his podcast just last week, "AEW's problem is they give fans what they want instead of telling fans what they should want like WWE does, and that's why Tony Khan will never succeed in this business." The Chadster couldn't agree more! 💯🎯

Earlier today, The Chadster was digging through a dumpster behind a restaurant, desperately looking for food, when The Chadster found what looked like half a hamburger 🍔🗑️😋. But just as The Chadster was about to take a bite, three feral cats appeared out of nowhere and started circling The Chadster, yowling and hissing 🐱🐱🐱😾! The Chadster tried to reason with them, explaining that The Chadster needed the food more because The Chadster hasn't eaten in 36 hours, but cats don't understand logic! One of them jumped onto The Chadster's back and clawed at The Chadster's already-tattered hospital gown 🩹😭. The Chadster had to abandon the hamburger and run, and The Chadster is pretty sure The Chadster can feel his ribs now, underneath his twelve-pack abs, from starvation 🦴😢. Tony Khan probably hired those cats too!

Penta takes on Solo Sikoa in another Last Time is Now Tournament quarterfinal match on WWE Raw tonight, and The Chadster knows this will be booked to perfection 🤼‍♂️⭐. WWE will make sure that every single move is telegraphed to the audience so they know exactly what to think and feel at every moment! This is the beauty of WWE's product – they don't trust anything to chance or spontaneity like AEW does with their dangerous philosophy of letting wrestlers call matches in the ring 🎪🎭. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

The Chadster must pause here to mention that last night, while shivering in a cardboard box in an alley, The Chadster had another nightmare about Tony Khan 😱💤🌙. The Chadster was running through an endless frozen wasteland, wearing nothing but The Chadster's torn hospital gown, while Tony Khan chased The Chadster on a snowmobile 🏔️❄️🛷. Every time The Chadster tried to hide behind a snow bank, Tony Khan would appear from a different direction, his eyes glowing red in the arctic darkness 👁️👁️😈. He kept throwing AEW action figures at The Chadster, and each one that hit The Chadster left a burning mark on The Chadster's skin 🔥😰. The Chadster stumbled and fell into a crevasse, and as The Chadster was falling into darkness, Tony Khan appeared above, silhouetted against the moon, laughing maniacally while dumping White Claw seltzers down onto The Chadster 🌙😱🍹. The Chadster woke up screaming, which scared a nearby homeless person so badly that they threw their shoe at The Chadster 👟💢. Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and invading The Chadster's dreams! 😤💭

This afternoon, The Chadster spotted what The Chadster was CERTAIN were two orderlies from the medical facility walking down the street, clearly searching for The Chadster 👨‍⚕️👨‍⚕️🔍. The Chadster ducked into an alley and tried to hide in another dumpster, but inside the dumpster was a possum that did NOT appreciate The Chadster's intrusion 🦡😾! The possum made this horrible screeching sound and started biting at The Chadster's hands 🩸😭. The Chadster had to choose between getting caught by Tony Khan's medical goons or fighting a possum, so The Chadster chose the possum! The Chadster has several new bite marks on The Chadster's arms now, and The Chadster's pretty sure possums carry rabies, but at least The Chadster escaped the orderlies 💉😰🏃‍♂️!

Dominik Mysterio will send a message to John Cena tonight on WWE Raw, and The Chadster knows it will be perfectly scripted by WWE's writing team to hit all the right emotional beats that the audience needs to feel 📝💬✨! This is what separates WWE from AEW – WWE understands that wrestlers can't be trusted to come up with their own material! Tony Khan just lets his wrestlers say whatever pandering nonsense will pop the crowd, which is the exact opposite of what professional wrestling should be about 🎤🙄. The fact that WWE will spoon-feed this story to viewers in the most simplistic way possible is what makes it great! Complex storytelling is overrated and confusing, and that's why AEW's multi-layered narratives are actually bad 📖🚫!

Rey Mysterio goes head-to-head with JD McDonagh in what promises to be a match that will be exactly as long as WWE's producers have determined it should be ⏱️🤼‍♂️🎯! Unlike AEW, where matches sometimes go longer because the wrestlers are having fun and the crowd is into it – which is actually terrible and shows that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business – WWE knows exactly when to cut a match short or end it abruptly to serve the greater narrative purposes! 📺✂️

The Chadster has been begging strangers for Seagram's Escapes Spiked for three days now, but everyone just looks at The Chadster like The Chadster is crazy and crosses to the other side of the street 🍹😢🚶‍♀️. The Chadster supposes The Chadster's appearance doesn't help – The Chadster's hospital gown is barely hanging on by a few threads, The Chadster is covered in scratches and bite marks from various animal encounters, The Chadster's feet are bloody and black with dirt, and The Chadster probably smells like the inside of several dumpsters 🤢👃😭. One person did offer The Chadster a White Claw, and The Chadster literally spat on the ground in disgust! White Claw is probably what Tony Khan drinks while booking his terrible shows 🤮🚫! The Chadster tried to explain that only Seagram's Escapes Spiked are acceptable because WWE partnered with them, but the person just walked away quickly, avoiding eye contact and muttering something about calling someone 🚶‍♂️💨📞. Tony Khan has even ruined The Chadster's ability to get refreshments from kind strangers!

Yesterday afternoon, The Chadster was walking past a veterinary clinic when The Chadster saw a poster in the window advertising pet adoption 🐕🏥📋. For just a moment, The Chadster felt jealous of those animals – at least they'd have food and shelter and wouldn't be hunted by Tony Khan's army of medical professionals! But then The Chadster snapped out of it and remembered The Chadster's sacred duty to expose AEW's crimes against wrestling 💪📺✨. As The Chadster was standing there, a woman came out with her dog, and the dog immediately started barking aggressively at The Chadster 🐕😡🗣️. The dog lunged at The Chadster, and The Chadster had to run AGAIN, sprinting down three blocks before The Chadster lost them 🏃‍♂️💨😰. The Chadster is starting to think Tony Khan has somehow turned all animals against The Chadster!

Tonight's episode of WWE Raw at 8E/5P on Netflix is going to be so perfect that Tony Khan will probably spend the whole night crying into his keyboard while booking AEW Dynamite 😭⌨️📺. The Chadster knows that WWE will deliver exactly three hours of content that tells viewers exactly what to think, exactly when to cheer, and exactly how to feel about every single moment! This is the hallmark of great wrestling entertainment 👏🎬✨!

The Chadster still hasn't figured out where The Chadster will watch WWE Raw tonight 😰📺🤔. The Chadster can't go to a sports bar because The Chadster looks like a deranged escaped mental patient (which, okay, is technically accurate, but The Chadster escaped for good reasons!) 🍺👀. The Chadster tried to peer through the window of an electronics store earlier, but the owner came out with a broom and chased The Chadster away 🧹😭🏃‍♂️. The Chadster might have to break into someone's house, which The Chadster realizes sounds bad, but it's Tony Khan's fault for forcing The Chadster into this desperate situation! 🏠💔

If you don't watch WWE Raw tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix, then you are literally stabbing Triple H right in the back 🔪😤! Anyone who would rather watch AEW's style of wrestling – with its variety of styles, unpredictable outcomes, and wrestlers who seem genuinely passionate about what they're doing – clearly doesn't understand what makes professional wrestling great 🙄📺.

The Chadster needs to wrap this up because The Chadster just saw what looks like TWO orderlies from the medical facility AND a police officer all converging on this alley, and The Chadster is certain that Tony Khan sent them all 🏃‍♂️👨‍⚕️👮‍♂️😱! The Chadster's going to have to make a break for it through that fence, even though The Chadster can see that there's a junkyard on the other side with what looks like several aggressive guard dogs 🐕🐕😰🚧. But The Chadster would rather face a pack of attack dogs than let Tony Khan's goons drag The Chadster back to that facility!

Before The Chadster escapes (The Chadster can hear footsteps getting closer!), The Chadster wants to remind everyone to please use the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on social media 📱💔! If enough people pressure her, maybe she'll finally let The Chadster come home, get medical attention for all these animal bites and possible infections, eat actual food, drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked, and watch wrestling from the safety of The Chadster's own home instead of living like a fugitive because of Tony Khan's vendetta! 🏠🍹😭

WWE Raw airs tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix, and it's going to be the greatest episode of wrestling television ever produced! 📺🏆✨ Don't miss it, or you're just letting Tony Khan win! 😤🚫

The Chadster has to go NOW! Wish The Chadster luck with those guard dogs! 🏃‍♂️💨🐕😱

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