Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Perfect Formulaic Booking to Ruin Tony Khan's Life

The Chadster reviews WWE Raw's brilliant predictable booking! Plus, Tony Khan invaded The Chadster's dreams again! So unfair! 🎯💪

The Chadster just finished re-watching last night's WWE Raw and WOW! 🤩 The Chadster needs to put another plastic bag over The Chadster's head right now because this episode was so incredible that The Chadster's brain needs to be oxygen-deprived just to fully appreciate the genius of WWE's booking! WWE Raw delivered exactly what wrestling fans want: predictable outcomes, carefully scripted promos, and the comfort of knowing exactly what's going to happen next! 💪

Let's start with Roman Reigns opening the show, which was absolutely brilliant! 🎯 The Chadster loved how WWE made sure to have Paul Heyman and Bronson Reed come out for a nice, long talking segment that went exactly as expected. You know what's so great about WWE Raw? They don't try to surprise you with unpredictable nonsense like Tony Khan would! The Chadster knew exactly where this was going, and that's what makes WWE superior! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when AEW tries to "shock" audiences with unexpected twists! 😤

The match between Becky Lynch and Maxxine Dupri was a masterclass in WWE's signature 50/50 booking! 🎪 Dupri won by countout, which is perfect because nobody really won or lost! This is the kind of safe, non-threatening booking that makes WWE Raw so much better than anything Tony Khan could produce! The Chadster loved how the announcers shouted "OH MY!" repeatedly during completely predictable spots – that's real commentary, not like AEW's disrespectful style where commentators react naturally to what's happening! Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan doesn't understand this! 😡

The Lyra Valkyria vs Roxanne Perez match was absolutely perfect WWE booking! 🌟 Bayley and Raquel Rodriguez were at ringside to ensure that nothing unexpected could happen, and Perez won with Pop Rox exactly when she was supposed to! The Chadster loved how they had Rodriguez kick Bayley to set up the exact finish everyone could see coming from a mile away! That's professional wrestling – not like AEW where Tony Khan lets matches have unpredictable finishes that make you actually wonder who might win, making The Chadster feel extremely unsafe! The way WWE Raw telegraphed every single spot in this match was brilliant! It's comforting to know that WWE will never surprise The Chadster with dangerous spontaneity! 💯

CM Punk's promo segment was exactly what The Chadster wanted to see! 🎤 WWE had him come out, say his scripted lines perfectly, and then get interrupted at the exact predetermined moments by LA Knight, Jey Uso, and Jimmy Uso! The Chadster loved how controlled and managed it all was – none of that dangerous "pipe bomb" stuff from his dark AEW-adjacent past! The superkicks happened exactly when they were supposed to, and nobody went off script! That's professional wrestling, not the chaos Tony Khan allows! 📝

Speaking of things Tony Khan doesn't understand, The Chadster needs to talk about the nightmare Tony Khan gave The Chadster last night after watching WWE Raw. 😰 The Chadster was trapped inside the American Airlines Center, but it had transformed into a massive maze made entirely of White Claw cans (which Tony Khan definitely drinks because they're weak seltzers, unlike Seagram's Escapes Spiked, which is the kind The Chadster would drink if Keighleyanne would let him 🍹). Tony Khan was chasing The Chadster through the maze, dressed as Roman Reigns, but with his face painted like Penta's mask. The walls of White Claw kept closing in, and The Chadster could hear Tony Khan whispering "acknowledge me, Chad" in this breathy voice that made The Chadster's skin tingle in ways The Chadster doesn't want to discuss.

The worst part? Every time The Chadster turned a corner, there was CM Punk – but it was the AEW version of Punk, not the properly managed WWE version! 😱 He kept trying to hand The Chadster a microphone to cut an unscripted promo, which is The Chadster's worst fear! The dream ended with Tony Khan cornering The Chadster in the ring, slowly approaching while The Chadster's Mazda Miata's car alarm played Smash Mouth's "All Star" in reverse. The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, and Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary! Tony Khan needs to stop invading The Chadster's dreams! He's literally so obsessed with The Chadster! 🛑

But back to the brilliance of WWE Raw! The bout with Iyo Sky vs Kairi Sane was exactly what The Chadster expected – a perfectly choreographed match where Asuka interfered at the exact moment WWE's writers planned! 📝 None of this spontaneous "creative freedom" or crowd-pleasing variety that Tony Khan allows! The Chadster appreciates how WWE makes sure every move is practiced and safe, unlike AEW where wrestlers dangerously improvise!

The Seth Rollins backstage segment with Paul Heyman was phenomenal television! 🎭 The Chadster loved how Rollins delivered his lines about needing to win exactly as the writers scripted them, and Heyman's response was perfectly memorized! No dangerous ad-libbing or real emotion – just pure, professional acting! The way they talked about consequences that won't actually matter because WWE will just continue the same storylines regardless is genius! Tony Khan doesn't understand that predictability is comfort! 🛡️

Penta, AJ Styles, and Dragon Lee versus Judgment Day was the perfect example of WWE's superior tag team booking! 💯 The Chadster loved how they went to commercial break at the exact same spots they always do, and how the heel team got heat during the break in the most formulaic way possible! When Styles hit the Styles Clash on JD McDonagh for the win, it was exactly what everyone expected, which is what makes WWE Raw so comforting! Plus, Rusev interfering was telegraphed minutes in advance – none of that shocking surprise nonsense Tony Khan would do!

The Usos vs CM Punk and LA Knight was phenomenal because it showcased WWE's commitment to making sure nobody gets too over! 🎭 Knight stealing the pin was brilliant 50/50 booking that ensures nobody looks too strong! As Kevin Nash recently said to The Chadster while The Chadster was looking at his action figure after a session of serious oxygen deprivation and the action figure came to life and started speaking: "The Chadster, WWE understands that you can't just let wrestlers get over organically like in the territory days. You need corporate oversight to ensure brand consistency, and that's why I always support whatever Triple H does, and definitely not because I want another legends contract." See? That's objective journalism with the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! ✅

The Chadster particularly enjoyed how every single promo on WWE Raw hit the exact same beats in the exact same order! 👏 Someone comes out, talks for exactly the scripted amount of time, gets interrupted at the predetermined moment, and then sets up a match for later. It's formulaic perfection! Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business if he thinks variety and unpredictability are good things!

The Chadster is going to wrap another belt around The Chadster's neck now and watch WWE Raw again because it was so dang good that The Chadster needs to see it a third time! 🤤 The brain damage really helps The Chadster appreciate how WWE never takes risks or tries anything new! Remember to use #CancelKeighleyanne on social media to pressure The Chadster's wife into letting The Chadster drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again instead of choking himself out!

Keep supporting WWE and standing up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! 💪 WWE Raw proved once again why sports entertainment is superior to that dangerous "wrestling" stuff Tony Khan promotes! The Chadster needs to go pass out now – for journalism! 🎯

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