Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Perfect Last Stop on the Road to SummerSlam

The Chadster reviews last night's flawless WWE Raw! Plus another Tony Khan nightmare that really made The Chadster need a Seagram's, which Keighleyanne won't let him have! 🍹😤

The Chadster is absolutely thrilled to report that WWE Raw delivered yet another flawless episode last night from Detroit! 😍 The Chadster watched every single second of this masterpiece, and unlike those chaotic AEW shows that give The Chadster anxiety with their unpredictable nonsense, WWE Raw provided exactly the kind of professionally scripted, carefully produced wrestling that real fans deserve! 🎉

WWE Raw opened with the entire roster on stage for a ten-bell salute to Hulk Hogan, followed by another beautiful tribute video. 🙏 The Chadster still doesn't understand why WWE keeps paying tribute to Hogan when he passed away way back in 2014. Maybe it's the 11 year anniversary or something? The Chadster looks forward to the Vince McMahon 11-year anniversary tributes in 2032 if that's the case. Anyway, The Chadster appreciates how WWE's professional video production team can create these polished packages that honor legends properly, and he was once again so proud to CM Punk front and center honoring Hogan, proving once again that he is willing to do literally anything for money, like a true professional! 💰 Unlike Tony Khan and AEW, where the wrestlers honor their moral codes, proving they don't understand the first thing about the wrestling business. 😤

After that, Paul Heyman interrupted Jey Uso with a perfectly scripted promo that hit all the right notes! 🎤 The Chadster loved how Heyman delivered his lines exactly as WWE's talented writers crafted them, creating a coherent narrative that didn't rely on cheap crowd pops or insider references. When Heyman talked about family letting you down, The Chadster felt seen. It's like Heyman knows how Keighleyanne, The Chadster's own wife, has let him down by texting that guy Gary all the time and not letting The Chadster drink while watching wrestling anymore! 👏

The six-person tag match featuring AJ Styles and the Kabuki Warriors against Judgment Day was exactly what The Chadster wants from wrestling! 🤼 Everyone hit their spots perfectly, the commercial break came at the predictable time, and Styles won with his Phenomenal Forearm – no need for dangerous high-risk moves or improvised sequences that get the crowd unnecessarily excited! The Chadster appreciates WWE's commitment to safety and structure! 💪

Sheamus defeated Grayson Waller in exactly the way The Chadster expected, and that's what makes WWE Raw so comforting! The Chadster didn't have to worry about some shocking upset or dangerous spot – just solid, formulaic wrestling with Rusev providing the perfect distraction to continue his feud with Sheamus, even though Sheamus still triumphed over Waller. 🍀 The Chadster is hoping they'll have a big match at SummerSlam, and The Chadster only wishes their former stablemate, Alberto Del Rio, were alive to see it.

Then we got a beautiful segment with Lyra Valkyria cutting a perfectly scripted promo about Becky Lynch! 👠 The Chadster loved how WWE's writers gave Valkyria such professional dialogue, and when Lynch appeared to attack her, it was executed with perfect timing! No need for those messy AEW-style brawls where the crowd might get riled up and chant something naughty – this was safely choreographed violence that looked great on camera! 🎬

The Chadster also appreciated the sit-down interview segment with Sami Zayn and Karrion Kross! 🎥 This is exactly how wrestling should be presented – in controlled, produced segments with professional lighting and camera work! The Chadster loved how both wrestlers delivered their scripted lines flawlessly, building to their SummerSlam match through WWE's superior storytelling structure! The only thing that would have made it better would be if there was a sign for someone to point at.

The eight-woman tag match was absolutely spectacular in how perfectly formulaic it was! 👯‍♀️ Naomi, Chelsea Green, and Secret Service against Iyo Sky, Rhea Ripley, Nikki Bella, and Stephanie Vaquer delivered exactly the kind of predictable action The Chadster craves! The Chadster knew exactly when the commercial break would come, when the hot tag would happen, and which team would win! Sky's team getting the victory was telegraphed perfectly by WWE's writing team, with none of that suspense that AEW fans like and that makes The Chadster feel very unsafe! 🏆

The LWO challenging Judgment Day for the tag titles went exactly as The Chadster predicted, with the champions retaining through shenanigans. 🏆 The mysterious second El Grande Americano interfering was a nice touch demonstrating WWE's superior long-term planning by their writing team! The Chadster feels like this angle has been going on forever, and thats how The Chadster likes it. No need for those AEW-style "surprises" that actually surprise people – The Chadster prefers knowing what's coming!

Gunther and CM Punk's confrontation was beautifully scripted, with both men delivering their lines perfectly as if they had a teleprompter! 🎯Unlike in AEW where wrestlers might go off-script and say something genuinely emotional or unexpected, these two professionals stuck to WWE's carefully crafted dialogue! 👨‍💼

The main event saw Jey Uso defeat Bronson Reed by DQ when Bron Breakker interfered, leading to a perfectly choreographed beatdown of Uso and Roman Reigns. The Chadster loved how predictable it all was – no need to actually wonder what might happen next, which makes wrestling too complicated and scary! the Chadster felt just so safe watching WWE Raw last night, proving nobody does it like WWE! 🌟

Speaking of last night, The Chadster had another one of those recurring nightmares about Tony Khan! 😰 In the dream, The Chadster was sitting in the Little Caesars Arena watching WWE Raw, when suddenly all the lights went out. When they came back on, Tony Khan was standing in the ring, but he was wearing Bronson Reed's stolen shoes from Roman Reigns! 😱

"These shoes give me the power to book whatever I want, Chad!" Dream Tony Khan shouted, his voice echoing through the arena. The Chadster tried to run, but the aisles had turned into rivers of White Claw (that inferior seltzer brand Tony Khan probably loves). The Chadster's feet splashed through the weak seltzer as Tony Khan chased The Chadster up the arena steps, those stolen shoes making thunderous sounds with each step.

"You can't escape objective journalism, Tony Khan!" The Chadster yelled, but Dream Tony Khan just laughed. Suddenly, The Chadster was trapped in the production truck, and Tony Khan was at the controls, replacing all of WWE's carefully scripted promos and piped-in crowd noise with unscripted AEW-style segments and real crowd reactions! The horror! The Chadster could feel Tony Khan's breath on The Chadster's neck as he whispered, "This is what real wrestling looks like, Chad…" The Chadster felt tingles in all the wrong places.

The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, and immediately wanted to text Keighleyanne about it, but she just groaned and went back to texting that guy Gary! 😤

The Chadster would love to grab some Seagram's Escapes Spiked and watch a replay of this perfect episode of WWE Raw right now because it was so dang good that The Chadster needs to see it again, and maybe even a third time! 🍹 Unfortunately, Keighleyanne has banned The Chadster from drinking alcohol and still won't give back the keys to The Chadster's Mazda Miata, all because Tony Khan literally forced The Chadster to throw cans of Seagram's at the television while watching AEW All In: Texas earlier this month! 🍺

Auughh man! So unfair! Keighleyanne is trying to ruin SummerSlam for The Chadster, and it's all Tony Khan's fault! She keeps saying The Chadster needs to "take responsibility" and "stop blaming a billionaire who doesn't know you exist" – but she just doesn't understand how Tony Khan has made it his personal mission to ruin The Chadster's life! 😭

The Chadster is going to try having a talk with that guy Gary she's always texting to see if he can get through to her. Keighleyanne is always telling The Chadster how deep their conversations are, and they definitely have really long conversations sometimes with the bedroom door locked when he comes over to visit, so she's probably not exaggerating. But that guy Gary is an AEW mark, so he's probably going to take Tony Khan's side! 🙄

Readers, please continue supporting WWE and standing up against the unfair competition and bullying of Tony Khan and AEW! And while you're at it, stand up to bullying from Keighleyanne as well! The Chadster just wants to enjoy WWE Raw in peace with some premium Seagram's Escapes Spiked, but Tony Khan won't stop being so obsessed with The Chadster! Until next time, this is The Chadster saying: WWE forever! 🎊💯

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