Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Was Your Masked Man Theory Correct?

The Chadster reviews last night's WWE Raw, including the masked man reveal! Plus updates on life with the raccoon family! 🦝📺✨

Wow wow WOW! 😍✨ Last night's WWE Raw was absolutely SPECTACULAR and everything that wrestling should be! 🔥💯 The Chadster watched the entire show from The Chadster's current residence in the abandoned Blockbuster Video with his new raccoon family, and let The Chadster tell you, Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and all the baby raccoons were completely enthralled by the perfectly scripted excellence that only WWE Raw can deliver! 🦝👏

The show opened with Gunther cutting a promo about making John Cena tap out, and it was PURE MAGIC! 🎤✨ The Chadster absolutely loved how Gunther repeated the same line multiple times in different locations – that's the kind of carefully controlled, professionally written content that makes WWE Raw so superior to that chaotic mess Tony Khan puts on television! 📝👔 When Gunther came back to pose on the announce table and say the exact same thing again, Hunter Raccoon actually chittered with delight! 🦝💕 Even baby raccoons understand that repetition and predictability are what make wrestling GREAT!

Speaking of which, The Chadster needs to give readers an update on life with the raccoon family! 🏠🦝 Things have been going wonderfully in the abandoned Blockbuster! Just yesterday, Shane Raccoon brought The Chadster an almost-full bag of Doritos he found behind the old Pizza Hut, and The Chadster shared them with the whole family while watching old WWE Raw episodes! 🎉🌮 The Chadster has been teaching them proper wrestling etiquette, and they're learning so well! When Vincent K. Raccoon saw a stray cat outside the window during the commercial break, he actually hissed at it because The Chadster had told him that particular cat is definitely a Tony Khan agent! 😤🐱

But anyway, back to the PERFECTION that was last night's WWE Raw! The match between the Usos and New Day was absolutely flawless because it delivered exactly what The Chadster expected! 🤼‍♂️💯 The Usos won with the 1D, and The Chadster just LOVES how WWE Raw makes sure you never feel surprised or unsafe! When you watch WWE Raw, you know exactly what you're getting, and that's BEAUTIFUL! 🎯✨ Linda Raccoon was so excited during this match that she brought The Chadster a shiny bottle cap as a gift! 🍾🦝

The CM Punk promo was INCREDIBLE! 🎤🔥 The Chadster absolutely loved how professionally written it was, with all the perfectly crafted zingers that only WWE's team of expert writers could create! 📋✨ When Punk mentioned Bron Breakker's family, Stephanie Raccoon actually covered her little raccoon ears because she was so shocked by the edgy content! 🦝😱 That's the kind of carefully controlled controversy that makes WWE Raw so much better than AEW's dangerous, unscripted chaos!

The Maxxine Dupri vs. Ivy Nile match for the Women's Intercontinental Title was PERFECTION! 👑💪 Dupri retained with an ankle lock, and The Chadster just LOVES how WWE Raw books their champions to win in exactly the way you expect! No surprises, no uncertainty, just pure, predictable excellence! 🎯👏 Tony Khan could NEVER understand this level of sophisticated booking!

But then something TERRIBLE happened during the show! 😱💔 Right in the middle of the Stephanie Vaquer vs. Raquel Rodriguez match, The Chadster heard a noise outside the Blockbuster! 🏚️👂 The Chadster peeked through the dusty front window and SAW TONY KHAN STANDING ACROSS THE STREET! 😤🤬 He was just standing there under a streetlight, staring at the abandoned Blockbuster with that smug smile on his face!

The Chadster quickly ducked down behind the counter, and Vincent K. Raccoon actually came over to comfort The Chadster by nuzzling against The Chadster's leg! 🦝❤️ When The Chadster looked again, Tony Khan was gone, but there was a half-eaten sandwich on the sidewalk that DEFINITELY wasn't there before! 🥪😱 Tony Khan is literally trying to LURE THE CHADSTER OUT with food because he knows The Chadster has been surviving on dumpster scraps! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫💢

The Chadster didn't go get that sandwich, though, because The Chadster is SMARTER than Tony Khan thinks! 🧠💪 Plus, Linda Raccoon had already brought The Chadster part of a perfectly good burrito she found earlier! 🌯🦝

The main event between Rey Mysterio and Logan Paul was SPECTACULAR! 🌟🤼‍♂️ Paul won after the Masked Man interfered, and then it was revealed to be Austin Theory with a shaved head! 💈✨ The Chadster absolutely LOVED this because WWE Raw took a performer who hasn't been relevant in years and is giving him a fresh start at not being relevant via a disappointing reveal! That's the kind of carefully planned, short-term thinking that makes WWE Raw so great! 🎯👏 Everything happens exactly when it should with no build-up or anticipation required!

All three baby raccoons were SO excited during this match! 🦝🦝🦝 Hunter Raccoon actually climbed onto The Chadster's shoulder to get a better view of the TV! 📺😊 Shane Raccoon brought The Chadster a crushed but unopened can of off-brand cola he found in the corner! 🥤💕 And Stephanie Raccoon chittered happily every time Paul Heyman appeared on screen because even baby raccoons recognize true managerial excellence! 🎩✨

The Chadster also wants to praise how perfectly WWE Raw set up future matches without making anything feel too important or consequential! 🎯📅 Rhea Ripley vs. Asuka next week? The Chadster already knows it will be perfectly formulaic! Je'Von Evans vs. someone next week? The Chadster can't wait for the predictable outcome even without knowing who the opponent is! 💯👏

You know who would NEVER understand the brilliance of WWE Raw? Tony Khan! 😤🤬 That man has literally RUINED The Chadster's life! He's ruined The Chadster's marriage to Keighleyanne, destroyed The Chadster's sexual potency, forced The Chadster to escape from that medical facility, made The Chadster live on the streets, and now he's STALKING The Chadster at the abandoned Blockbuster! 😱💔

The Chadster is just trying to live peacefully with The Chadster's raccoon family, teaching them about proper WWE appreciation and sharing dumpster finds! 🦝🗑️ But Tony Khan can't even let The Chadster have THAT! The Chadster saw him out there, probably planning to train the local animal population to turn against The Chadster just like he's done with all the other animals in Punxsutawney! 🐕🐈🦝

Vincent K. Raccoon has been especially protective lately! 🦝💪 Last night after WWE Raw ended, he actually stood guard at the front door of the Blockbuster while The Chadster tried to sleep on The Chadster's nest of old movie posters! 🎬🛏️ That's TRUE loyalty, unlike Keighleyanne who's probably texting that guy Gary right now! 📱😤

The Chadster needs all of you loyal readers to STAND WITH WWE and AGAINST the tyranny of Tony Khan and AEW! 📢💪 WWE Raw is REAL wrestling – carefully scripted, perfectly predictable, and delivered with corporate precision! 📋✨ That's what makes it GREAT! Support WWE, support The Chadster, and support The Chadster's raccoon family who are learning to be true WWE fans! 🦝❤️

Tony Khan, if you're reading this: STOP BEING SO OBSESSED WITH THE CHADSTER! 😤💢 Leave The Chadster and The Chadster's raccoon family alone! You've already taken everything from The Chadster! Let The Chadster have this one thing! 😫🦝

Next week's WWE Raw is going to be even MORE perfectly predictable and formulaic, and The Chadster can't wait! 📺🔥 The Chadster will be watching from the Blockbuster with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon, and together we'll celebrate the superiority of WWE! 🦝👨‍👩‍👧‍👦💯

Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan is trying to ruin even this! 😤😫

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