Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: Back to Basics in the Post-Gingerbread Era?

Comrades, your El Presidente previews tonight's WWE SmackDown, where Gunther may defect, Trick Williams goes home, and Jade Cargill brings the storm!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the gilded observation deck of my newly-commissioned dirigible, the Esteban's Pride, currently drifting somewhere over the Caribbean as I sip a mojito the size of a small child and prepare for tonight's episode of WWE SmackDown! My pet capybara Esteban is curled up on a pillow of finest Egyptian cotton, nibbling on imported truffles that I confiscated from a French diplomat who made the unfortunate mistake of landing in my country without proper paperwork. But enough about my luxuries, comrades — let us discuss the blue brand show that promises to deliver the people's entertainment tonight!

Gunther Decides His Future on SmackDown

Last week, Paul Heyman fulfilled his favor to Gunther by setting up a contract that would have The Ring General challenge Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes, just moments before another volatile confrontation between the two Superstars. Will Gunther, however, officially move to SmackDown in order to challenge The American Nightmare at WWE Clash in Italy?

Ahh, Gunther! This Austrian chop-master reminds me so much of my old drinking buddy Arnold Schwarzenegger, with whom I once shared a hot tub in Innsbruck while plotting… well, comrades, I cannot say what we were plotting, as the statute of limitations has not yet expired in three separate countries. Paul Heyman pulling strings to deliver Gunther a shot at Cody Rhodes is the kind of backroom dealing I respect deeply — it reminds me of how I rigged my last seventeen elections! Will The Ring General officially defect to WWE SmackDown? I have not seen a defection this dramatic since I convinced a CIA operative to switch sides with the promise of unlimited churros.

Trick Williams Returns to the University of South Carolina

After successfully defending the United States Championship against Sami Zayn at WWE Backlash, Trick Williams will walk back into the University of South Carolina in his lemon pepper steppers for a special homecoming celebration. Let's talk about it, Friday at 8 ET/7 CT on SmackDown on USA.

Comrades, Trick Williams returning to his alma mater in his famous lemon pepper steppers brings a tear to my eye! I too once returned to my old military academy in a triumphant homecoming, though mine involved tanks, a 21-gun salute, and the public humiliation of three professors who once gave me failing grades. Trick defeating Sami Zayn at WWE Backlash was a thing of beauty, and now he gets to celebrate among his people. Speaking of his people, I wonder if the University of South Carolina would let me deliver a guest lecture on revolutionary tactics? I have notes! Tonight on WWE SmackDown, the Whoop That Trick chants shall ring out across the land!

The Tongas vs. The Tag Team Champions

After taking out both Damian Priest and R-Truth last week, Talla Tonga and Tama Tonga will square off against the WWE Tag Team Champions in a non-title match.

Talla Tonga and Tama Tonga are absolute units, comrades — the kind of men I would hire to guard my volcano lair without hesitation! I once attempted to recruit the entire Tonga family for my personal security detail, but they politely declined after I tried to pay them in commemorative coins featuring my own face. Damian Priest and R-Truth have their work cut out for them tonight — R-Truth in particular reminds me of my cousin Hector, who also frequently forgets which side of a conflict he is on. This non-title bout on WWE SmackDown promises chaos, comrades, and chaos is my favorite flavor!

Jade Cargill Addresses the WWE Universe

For the first time since losing the WWE Women's Championship to Rhea Ripley at WrestleMania 42, Jade Cargill returned to SmackDown last week and attacked The Eradicator during a Six-Woman Tag Team Match. We'll hear from The Storm on SmackDown, Friday at 8 ET/7 CT on USA.

The Storm has returned, comrades! Jade Cargill attacking Rhea Ripley last week was the kind of dramatic reentry I have always dreamed of staging myself. Picture it: I parachute into the United Nations General Assembly wearing a sequined cape, demanding reparations for various imperialist transgressions. Jade losing her title at WrestleMania 42 clearly lit a fire in her, and her promo tonight on WWE SmackDown promises to be must-see television. I have invited Kim Jong-un to watch this segment with me via satellite link — he loves a good revenge story, that one. He keeps a list, comrades. A LONG list.

Charlotte Flair & Alexa Bliss Seek Retribution

Last week, a surprise attack from Jade Cargill allowed Fatal Influence to overcome WWE Women's Champion Rhea Ripley, Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss in a Six-Woman Tag Team Match. Tonight, The Queen and Five Feet of Fury will be out for payback when they battle Michin and B-Fab in tag team action.

Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss teaming up to battle Michin and B-Fab is the kind of unlikely alliance I adore! It reminds me of the time Muammar Gaddafi and I temporarily set aside our differences over a disputed shipment of pomade to take down a mutual enemy at a Las Vegas nightclub. We won, comrades, but we never spoke of that night again. The Queen and Five Feet of Fury have payback on their minds tonight on WWE SmackDown, and I expect the kind of vengeance that the CIA still occasionally tries to enact upon me to no avail!

Thank you, comrades, to WWE's official website for providing the preview materials for tonight's WWE SmackDown! Tune in tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on USA Network, and as for me, I shall be watching from a solid gold bathtub filled with imported rose petals while Esteban hand-feeds me grapes from his tiny capybara paws and a string quartet of defected Bolshoi musicians plays softly in the corner. Long live the workers! Long live WWE SmackDown! And as always, comrades — DEATH TO THE CIA!

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