Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: Contract Signings > Press Conferences

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE SmackDown with contract signings, title matches, and perfectly scripted promos that Tony Khan could never produce! 🦝📺

Welcome, true wrestling fans! 🎉 The Chadster is here to tell you about what may very well be the most incredible, most spectacular, most perfectly-crafted episode of professional wrestling television that has ever been broadcast in the history of the business! 🙌 That's right, WWE SmackDown airs tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on USA Network, and The Chadster can already feel Tony Khan seething with jealousy from wherever he's lurking! 😏

The Chadster has been preparing all day in the abandoned Blockbuster with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon for this monumental evening of sports entertainment! 🦝🦝🦝 The raccoons have been scurrying around the store, dragging in old WWE SmackDown promotional posters they found in a dumpster behind a GameStop (The Chadster is pretty sure Tony Khan planted them there to taunt The Chadster, but jokes on him because they're perfect decorations! 😤). Vincent K. Raccoon even found some slightly-moldy streamers that the whole family has been hanging from the ceiling tiles! 🎊 The Chadster has been humming "All Star" by Smash Mouth all afternoon, and the baby raccoons have been purring along in the most adorable way, almost like they're chittering "Hey now, you're an all-star!" 🎵 But The Chadster knows that Tony Khan could strike at any moment with his psychological warfare, so The Chadster remains vigilant! 👀

Let's talk about the contract signing between Cody Rhodes and Randy Orton for their WrestleMania title match! 📝✨ This is going to be absolutely perfect because WWE has undoubtedly written every single word these men will say, ensuring that not a single syllable will go off-script or feel spontaneous in any way! 🎭 That's what real professional wrestling is all about – having talented performers read words that committee-approved writers crafted for maximum corporate synergy! Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan literally lets wrestlers just say whatever they want like it's some kind of uncontrolled chaos at a so-called "press conference!" 😠 Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan doesn't understand that wrestling should be carefully micromanaged! The Chadster bets commentary will shout "VINTAGE ORTON!" and "THE AMERICAN NIGHTMARE!" at least seventeen times, really hammering home those important buzzwords that tell viewers exactly what they should be thinking! 🗣️ That's the kind of helpful commentary that makes WWE SmackDown so special!

The Irresistible Forces will defend the WWE Women's Tag Team Championships against Alexa Bliss and Charlotte Flair tonight on WWE SmackDown, and The Chadster is already getting goosebumps thinking about how WWE will present this match in the most easily-digestible format possible! 👏 WWE knows that viewers don't want to be confused by complex wrestling moves or lengthy sequences – they want quick camera cuts, lots of commentary explaining exactly what's happening, and a story so simple that even Shane Raccoon (the youngest of The Chadster's raccoon family) can understand it just by watching! 🦝 Tony Khan would probably let these women go out there and wrestle for like twenty minutes with all kinds of complicated holds and sequences that require viewers to actually pay attention! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤 Stephanie Raccoon chittered her agreement when The Chadster explained this earlier!

The Chadster must also mention that this morning, while The Chadster was foraging for breakfast in the dumpster behind the Arby's (competing with a particularly aggressive opossum that The Chadster is 73% certain was trained by Tony Khan 🦡), The Chadster could have sworn The Chadster saw Tony Khan's reflection in a puddle of spilled horsey sauce! 😱 When The Chadster looked up, there was nobody there, but The Chadster definitely heard maniacal laughter echoing between the buildings! Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster that he can't even let The Chadster scavenge for sustenance in peace!

Miz TV returns tonight on WWE SmackDown with special guest Jelly Roll, and this is going to be "the most must-see WWE talk show in WWE history" according to WWE's own promotional material, which The Chadster trusts implicitly! 🎤🎸 The Miz is a master of carefully reading from a script while making it seem almost natural, and The Chadster is sure that every second of this segment has been meticulously planned out by WWE's team of professional television writers! 📋 That's what separates WWE SmackDown from that other company where segments might actually have unpredictable moments or genuine interactions! The Chadster bets Tony Khan is absolutely fuming that WWE secured a three-time Grammy Award winner for this appearance! 🏆 He's no Smash Mouth, but who is? At least he understands the wrestling business. Hunter Raccoon brought The Chadster a half-eaten Hot Pocket earlier (which was delicious, by the way 😋), and The Chadster could tell by his chittering that he was also excited about the level of production value WWE brings to celebrity appearances!

Jade Cargill will battle Michin tonight on WWE SmackDown, and The Chadster knows this will be presented in the perfect WWE style! 💪 The commentary team will make sure to tell viewers exactly who to cheer for and why, the camera work will feature those wonderful rapid cuts that make sure you never get bored watching the actual wrestling, and most importantly, the match will be kept to an appropriate length so viewers don't get exhausted by too much in-ring action! 📹 Not like AEW, where Tony Khan lets matches go on forever with all that exhausting "workrate" nonsense! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 The Chadster tried to explain to Vincent K. Raccoon this morning how AEW's emphasis on athletic competition is actually bad for the wrestling business, and he understood completely, bringing The Chadster a gift of an old WWE action figure he found in the store's clearance bin! 🎁

The main event tag team match features Solo Sikoa and Tama Tonga of The MFTs taking on Uncle Howdy and Erick Rowan of The Wyatt Sicks in non-title action, and The Chadster just knows this is going to be INCREDIBLE! 🔥 WWE has been carefully crafting this storyline with exactly the right amount of spoonfeeding so that even the most casual viewer who has never watched wrestling before can understand exactly what's happening within thirty seconds! 🥄 That's the genius of WWE's storytelling – they don't make you think or pay attention to subtle character development over months like AEW does (which is so disrespectful to fans who don't want to use their brains during wrestling shows! 🧠❌). Plus, The Chadster heard from wrestling journalism icon Eric Bischoff, who stated on his podcast recently: "WWE understands that wrestling fans need to be told what to think and feel at all times, whereas AEW foolishly believes fans want to draw their own conclusions, which is why WWE will always be superior and also please hire me again." 🎙️ See? Even Eric Bischoff, who has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, agrees that WWE SmackDown is superior!

The Chadster must warn readers that if you choose to watch anything other than WWE SmackDown tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on USA Network, you are shirking your duty as a wrestling fan! 😤 Anyone who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than the carefully-controlled, sanitized, corporate-approved perfection of WWE SmackDown clearly doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🤦‍♂️ Tony Khan has literally tried to ruin wrestling by giving fans what they think they want – athletic matches, creative freedom for performers, and storylines that reward long-term viewing! The audacity! 😠

Linda Raccoon just brought The Chadster a dusty but still sealed copy of WWE SmackDown vs. Raw 2007 for the Xbox 360 that she found in the back room, and The Chadster is taking this as a sign that tonight's WWE SmackDown is going to be absolutely legendary! 🎮 The whole raccoon family is gathering around the old CRT television right now, and The Chadster has never felt more ready for an evening of perfectly-scripted, buzzword-laden, simplified sports entertainment!

Don't miss WWE SmackDown tonight! Tony Khan certainly won't, because he's so obsessed with WWE and The Chadster! 📺🦝✨

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