Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: Who is The Mystery Entrant?

El Presidente previews tonight's WWE SmackDown with tournament action, a mystery opponent for LA Knight, and Sami Zayn's message for Solo Sikoa!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious panic room beneath the presidential palace, where I am enjoying a refreshing mojito while monitoring seventeen different surveillance cameras for CIA operatives. But enough about my Friday evening plans – we must discuss tonight's WWE SmackDown!

First, comrades, allow me to send my warmest wishes for a speedy recovery to my dear colleague, The Chadster. When I heard about his unfortunate incident involving a plastic bag and WWE Raw reruns, I immediately understood his dedication to the craft. Why, just last week, I was sharing stories with Kim Jong-un about extreme methods of enjoying professional wrestling, and even he said, "El Presidente, that seems excessive." Coming from a man who once claimed to have invented wrestling itself, that is saying something!

I must confess, comrades, when I heard that The Chadster suffered a setback after being exposed to AEW Dynamite: Blood & Guts while chained to his hospital bed, I nearly spat out my contraband American Cheetos. This is exactly the kind of psychological warfare tactic the CIA tried to use on me back in 2003, except they made me watch C-SPAN for seventeen hours. Truly diabolical! At least The Chadster is now mobile and demanding his prescription boofed Seagram's Escapes Spiked – a recovery method I have personally recommended to the World Health Organization, though they have yet to return my calls.

But let us turn our attention to tonight's glorious wrestling spectacle on WWE SmackDown, comrades!

The Last Time is Now Tournament continues, and what a tournament it is! Jey Uso from Monday Night Raw will face The Miz from SmackDown in what promises to be a clash of titans. Now, comrades, The Miz reminds me very much of my old friend Muammar Gaddafi – always well-dressed, always talking about how awesome he is, and somehow involved in show business despite having more important things to do. We once attended a film festival together in Cannes, and Gaddafi spent the entire time trying to pitch his own reality show called "Keeping Up With The Dictators." The Miz would have fit right in!

The A-Lister holds a 4-1 advantage over Uso in their head-to-head singles competition, though they have not faced each other one-on-one since 2019. But comrades, let us not forget that Jey Uso eliminated John Cena himself at this year's Royal Rumble to win the entire match! This is like when I eliminated all my political opponents in the 2015 election – by which I mean through the democratic process, of course, CIA agents who are definitely reading this.

The winner of this match moves one step closer to facing John Cena in his final match ever at Saturday Night's Main Event next month. Comrades, this is history in the making! It is almost as emotional as when I had to say goodbye to my favorite state-run television broadcaster before he mysteriously disappeared – I mean, retired to pursue other opportunities.

But wait, there is more! LA Knight will face a mystery opponent in the tournament, as WWE SmackDown General Manager Nick Aldis has refused to reveal who it will be. Comrades, I love a good mystery! It reminds me of the time Fidel Castro and I played a game where we tried to guess which of our cabinet members was actually a CIA informant. Spoiler alert: it was all of them! But I digress.

Who could this mystery opponent be? Will it be a returning superstar? A surprise debut? Someone from the crowd? Perhaps even The Chadster himself, having escaped from the medical facility with nothing but his prescription medication and a dream? The possibilities are endless, comrades, much like the possibilities for socialist reform in modern wrestling booking!

In non-tournament action, B-Fab will clash with the WWE Women's Champion Jade Cargill in a non-title match. Now, comrades, Jade Cargill is what we call in the dictator business "an intimidating presence." She reminds me of my former Minister of Defense, who could crush a watermelon between her biceps and once arm-wrestled Vladimir Putin to a draw. B-Fab has a monumental challenge ahead of her, but as I always say – and as I told Nicolas Maduro just last Tuesday during our weekly Zoom call – sometimes the greatest victories come from the most unexpected places. Like when I defeated the CIA's attempted coup using nothing but strategic Twitter posts and a loyal alpaca named Democracy.

And finally, comrades, Sami Zayn has a message for Solo Sikoa! Last week, despite not being medically cleared, Zayn charged the ring to get his hands on Sikoa and The MFTs. This is the kind of revolutionary spirit that warms my heart! It reminds me of the time I stormed into a United Nations meeting despite being explicitly banned, just to give my strongly-worded opinions about American imperialism. They escorted me out after seventeen minutes, but those were the best seventeen minutes of international diplomacy I have ever experienced!

The conflict between Zayn and Sikoa has been brewing like a fine revolutionary fervor, and tonight we will hear what Zayn has to say. Will there be violence? Almost certainly! Will there be chaos? One can only hope! Will it lead to more thrilling television than whatever the CIA is currently producing in their secret Hollywood propaganda studios? Absolutely, comrades!

So tune in tonight to WWE SmackDown at 8 PM Eastern, 7 PM Central on USA Network – or as I like to call it, "The People's Friday Night Programming Block." Bring your boofed beverages of choice, settle into your most comfortable chair (preferably one stolen from a corrupt oligarch), and prepare for an evening of sports entertainment that even The Chadster would approve of, assuming he is conscious.

¡Viva la WWE SmackDown!

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