Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Roman Reigns Tells CM Punk How He Really Feels

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw! Roman Reigns and CM Punk have a confrontation hotter than my arguments with Fidel Castro about which wrestling show is best!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath the presidential palace, where I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE Raw on my gold-plated television (a gift from Kim Jong-un, who told me he got the same model after watching Monday Night Raw with Dennis Rodman). And let me tell you, comrades, what I witnessed was more intense than the time the CIA tried to replace my cable box with an explosive device!

WWE Raw opened with Bron Breakker angrier than I was when the CIA replaced my morning coffee with decaf. He was upset about Adam Pearce ruining his Royal Rumble, and honestly, I understand completely. This reminds me of when Muammar Gaddafi complained to me that the United Nations kept interfering with his plans. "Muammar," I told him, "sometimes you must work within the system to destroy the system from within." He didn't listen, and well, we know how that turned out. Anyway, Paul Heyman came out to defend Breakker, and the fans loved it! This is what we call "the people's revolution," comrades.

But then LA Knight attacked Logan Paul and Austin Theory with a chair and escaped through the crowd! This is exactly the guerrilla tactics I taught Che Guevara when we used to watch Monday Night Raw together in the 1990s, when he was the lead vocalist of Rage Against the Machine. "Che," I would say, "notice how Stone Cold Steve Austin strikes quickly and then disappears into the masses? That is true revolutionary warfare!" Che took notes, comrades. Many notes.

The first match on WWE Raw featured Je'Von Evans defeating El Grande Americano when the ORIGINAL El Grande Americano showed up to cause confusion. Comrades, this reminds me of the time I had to deal with a CIA body double situation. The agency once sent a fake El Presidente to a diplomatic summit, but I exposed him because the impostor didn't know the proper way to dramatically remove sunglasses before making a proclamation. Evans won with something called an "OG Cutter," which I assume stands for "Original Generalissimo Cutter." A fine name for a wrestling move!

Then Gunther came out doing AJ Styles' entrance after retiring him at the Royal Rumble, which was hilarious! This is psychological warfare at its finest, comrades. I once did the same thing to a rival dictator, showing up to a summit doing his signature walk. He was so angry he challenged me to an arm-wrestling contest, which I won because I had been training with Ultimate Warrior. Dragon Lee then attacked Gunther with incredible aerial moves before Gunther choked him out. The fighting spirit of the luchador cannot be contained, much like the spirit of socialism!

Oba Femi absolutely demolished the War Raiders in seconds on WWE Raw, and this, comrades, is what we call "shock and awe." It's the same tactic I use when the CIA sends agents to my compound. I simply release the hounds, and the problem resolves itself quickly.

The match between Bronson Reed and Penta was magnificent! Reed is built like a tank—and I should know, I have seventeen of them parked outside my palace. Penta lost by countout after LA Knight interfered, hitting Reed with the BFT onto a chair. This multi-layered scheming reminds me of the complex web of alliances I maintain with other world leaders. You see, comrades, sometimes your enemy's enemy becomes your friend, but then your friend's friend might be working for the CIA, so you must always stay vigilant!

The women's championship street fight between Stephanie Vaquer and Raquel Rodriguez was violent and chaotic, with tables and chairs everywhere. Vaquer retained after Liv Morgan tried to interfere but it backfired. This teaches us an important lesson, comrades: sometimes your allies cause more problems than your enemies. This is why I stopped accepting "friendship aid" from the CIA after they sent me a exploding cigar disguised as a subscription to the WWE Network.

But the main event segment of WWE Raw was where things got TRULY revolutionary, comrades! Roman Reigns came out and CM Punk joined him for a verbal confrontation that was hotter than the time Fidel Castro and I argued about whether WWE Raw or WWE SmackDown was the superior program. (I said Raw, obviously, because it is RED like the glorious revolution!)

These two alphas circled each other like I circle the buffet table at United Nations meetings (before they banned me for "excessive plate stacking"). Punk called Reigns out for taking the easy path by choosing Drew McIntyre, while Reigns fired back that he's the reason Punk had a company to return to. Back and forth they went, each landing verbal blows more devastating than economic sanctions!

When Punk mentioned he was champion for 434 days with Paul Heyman, I nearly fell off my solid gold couch! This is like when Hugo Chávez reminded me that he nationalized oil companies before I did. The competition between strong leaders is what drives excellence, comrades!

Reigns revealed he HATES Punk, and that's why he's choosing him for WrestleMania. This is the kind of honest emotion we need more of in professional wrestling and in international diplomacy! When I hate a CIA operative, I tell them directly to their face before having them escorted out of my country by armed guards wearing lucha libre masks.

In conclusion, comrades, last night's WWE Raw was a glorious display of conflict, ambition, and the eternal struggle between those who seek power and those who seek to take it from them. The Reigns versus Punk confrontation alone was worth the price of admission (which for me is free because I pirate the signal, but don't tell Triple H).

I give this episode of Monday Night Raw four out of five presidential decrees!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE Raw!

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