Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: What Title Changed Hands Last Night?

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown, where a new US Champion was crowned and Drew McIntyre took Cody Rhodes to psychological hell, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious underground bunker beneath a seized chocolate factory in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I have some tremendous news to share about last night's WWE SmackDown!

Yes, comrades, SmackDown delivered another spectacular evening of sports entertainment, and as I watched from my golden throne (confiscated from a corrupt oligarch who dared to question my wrestling opinions), I was reminded of the glorious unpredictability of professional wrestling—much like my own political career, but with better storylines and fewer attempted coups.

The show opened with Joe Hendry delivering a musical performance that would make even the most hardened dictator shed a tear of joy. Hendry, accompanied by dancing elves Otis and Akira Tozawa (plus one mysterious bunny), serenaded The Miz with a song about his various shortcomings. Comrades, this reminded me of the time I invited Kim Jong-un to my palace for karaoke night, and he spent three hours singing about his enemies' inadequacies. The difference, of course, is that my security forces had to physically restrain me from joining Kim on stage for a duet.

The ensuing Miracle On 34th Street Fight was exactly the kind of socialist redistribution of violence that I appreciate. Hendry defeated Miz using various Christmas-themed weapons, culminating in the revelation that the Easter Bunny was actually R-Truth. Comrades, this is precisely why I have trust issues! Just last week, the CIA tried to infiltrate my compound disguised as the Three Wise Men bearing gifts. Fortunately, I became suspicious when one of them knew too much about regime change operations in South America.

Hendry's victory through a table was glorious, proving once again that the working-class hero always triumphs over the bourgeois Hollywood elite. Take notes, capitalist pigs!

Charlotte defeated Lash Legend in a match that showcased two incredibly athletic competitors. Legend showed tremendous promise, nearly overpowering the veteran Charlotte on several occasions before ultimately falling to a sunset flip. This match reminded me of my arm-wrestling competition with Muammar Gaddafi back in 2009. He was younger, stronger, and had that same fire in his eyes that Legend possesses. But experience, comrades—experience is what separates the champions from the pretenders. Also, I may have had my security detail threaten his security detail, but that's neither here nor there.

But comrades, the true highlight of WWE SmackDown was Carmelo Hayes defeating Ilja Dragunov to capture the United States Championship! This match was an epic that had me on the edge of my specially reinforced dictator seat. Hayes hit the Nothing But Net finisher to secure the gold, and Dragunov showed respect by presenting Hayes with the title afterward.

This, comrades, brought tears to my eyes! It reminded me of when I won my first election—by which I mean my ONLY election, because once El Presidente wins, there's really no need for further elections, is there? The people have spoken! But I digress. Hayes has been toiling in the midcard wilderness for too long, much like how I toiled in relative obscurity as a regional strongman before my glorious revolution.

The CIA, of course, tried to interfere with my viewing of this match by temporarily cutting my satellite feed. They think they can prevent me from enjoying quality wrestling content! Fools! I have seventeen backup feeds, each routed through a different non-extradition country. You cannot stop El Presidente from watching his sports entertainment!

Post-match, Johnny Gargano attacked Hayes from behind, staking his claim to a future title shot. This is good socialist booking, comrades—the workers constantly challenging for the means of championship production!

In a quick match, Giulia and Kiana James defeated Alba Fyre and Chelsea Green, with Giulia pinning Green with a northern lights bomb. Green exhibits all the qualities I respect in both dictators and political allies, making her always a welcome presence on my screen.

This match reminded me of the elaborate plot I once hatched to convince Hugo Chávez that Venezuela should adopt lucha libre as its national sport. We got quite far in negotiations before the CIA discovered our meetings and sent in a covert operative disguised as a churro vendor. I should have known something was wrong when his churros tasted suspiciously American.

The show concluded with Drew McIntyre delivering a masterclass in psychological warfare against Cody Rhodes. McIntyre paid his fine and apologized to the referee he assaulted, but then proceeded to insult his entire existence, his family, and his life choices. Comrades, I have not seen someone weaponize an apology this effectively since I apologized to the United Nations for that "minor misunderstanding" about the human rights violations (which were totally exaggerated by Western media, I assure you).

McIntyre revealed that their 3 Stages of Hell match will take place in Berlin in two weeks, and he invoked Dusty Rhodes' name to taunt Cody. When McIntyre hit Rhodes with a Claymore to end SmackDown, I stood and applauded in my bunker, startling my bodyguards who thought we were under attack.

The Berlin location is particularly delicious. A city once divided, now hosting a match between two men who represent different visions of what a champion should be. It's almost poetic—like when I hosted peace talks in my palace while simultaneously planning to double-cross everyone involved. Good times, comrades, good times.

This episode of WWE SmackDown delivered exactly what the people needed after Christmas—violence, drama, championship changes, and the promise of more chaos to come. Trick Williams appeared backstage as a free agent, which means we may soon see another talented performer join the SmackDown roster. The more workers we have competing for glory, the better!

Nick Aldis continues to be an effective general manager, though I have some notes I could share with him about maintaining order. It involves strategic disappearances and show trials, mostly.

The announcement of next week's eight-woman tag team match featuring Charlotte Flair, Alexa Bliss, Rhea Ripley, Iyo Sky, Nia Jax, Lash Legend, and the Kabuki Warriors has me very excited. So much talent in one match! It's like when I assembled my elite guard unit—except with less automatic weapons and more spectacular athletic ability.

Also teased was the arrival of Oba Femi, which should provide a massive addition to the roster. Solo Sikoa had words for Uncle Howdy and the Wyatt Sicks, reminding me that SmackDown has several compelling storylines brewing simultaneously… much like how I have several compelling conspiracies brewing simultaneously, except mine involve more actual conspiracies and less supernatural elements. Although there was that one time the CIA hired a witch to curse my regime, but I digress.

In conclusion, comrades, this was a very solid episode of SmackDown, highlighted by Hayes' championship victory and the continuing escalation between McIntyre and Rhodes. The show continues to build toward the Royal Rumble in Saudi Arabia while maintaining its weekly storytelling momentum.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to my duties. The Minister of Finance is here to explain why our treasury is empty, and I need to prepare my "very understanding and not at all threatening" face.

Until next time, comrades, remember: The revolution will be televised, but only if it doesn't conflict with WWE SmackDown!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva lucha libre!

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