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El Presidente reports on rumors that WWE sent AEW a cease and desist over Andrade's return due to an alleged 1-year non-compete clause, comrades!
Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE x AAA Worlds Collide
WWE x AAA Worlds Collide Ends with Dominik Mysterio Crowned Champ
WWE x AAA Worlds Collide saw Dirty Dom steal the AAA Mega title with more interference than a CIA wiretap! Plus Wyatt Sicks destroy the tag champions!
Article Summary
- Dominik Mysterio snatches the AAA Mega title at WWE x AAA Worlds Collide with more interference than a CIA plot, comrades!
- Wyatt Sicks smash Pagano and Psycho Clown, seizing the tag belts like true socialist liberators of lucha libre gold!
- Natalya earns top contender spot by toppling Faby Apache, proving capitalist dogs fear the power of working-class women!
- International chaos erupts as WWE and AAA stars unite, creating a wrestling revolution the UN can only dream of, comrades!
Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my secret bunker beneath the Las Vegas strip, where I have been running an underground casino that only accepts Venezuelan bolívars and expired RadioShack gift cards as payment! I emerged from my subterranean empire just in time to witness WWE x AAA Worlds Collide, and let me tell you, this show had more successful international cooperation than that time I tried to form an alliance with my good friend Kim Jong-un, only to discover we were both trying to poison each other's kimchi!
WWE x AAA Worlds Collide kicked off with both American and Mexican national anthems, which reminded me of the time Fidel Castro and I had a karaoke battle in Havana. He insisted on singing "My Way" for six hours straight while I countered with the revolutionary hymn "Get in the Ring" by Guns n' Roses. But I digress! The presence of The Undertaker and Shawn Michaels, as well as Marsiela Pena and Dorian Roldan made this feel more official than my last rigged election, which is, admittedly, a low bar!
The opening eight-man tag match saw La Parka, Mascarita Sagrada, Laredo Kid, and Octagon Jr. defeat the LWO contingent in what can only be described as organized, high-octane violence – much like my cabinet meetings! Mascarita Sagrada picked up the victory for his team, proving once again that in wrestling, as in revolutionary politics, it's not the size of the comrade in the fight, but the size of the fight in the comrade!
Natalya defeated Faby Apache to become the number one contender for the Reina de Reinas Championship. This reminded me of when Margaret Thatcher arm-wrestled Indira Gandhi at a UN summit – nobody talks about it, but I was there, serving as the referee while simultaneously pickpocketing both their security details!
Pagano and Psycho Clown successfully defended their AAA World Tag Team Championships against Kofi Kingston and Grayson Waller, but the real story came afterward when The Wyatt Sicks appeared! They destroyed the champions worse than the CIA destroyed my perfectly legitimate banana export business in 1987. Uncle Howdy and his crew left with the belts, which is technically theft, but as someone who has "borrowed" many things from the national treasury, I respect the audacity!
Mr. Iguana and Lola Vice defeated Finn Balor and Roxanne Perez in a match that featured actual iguanas, which brought back memories of when Muammar Gaddafi and I tried to train attack camels for desert warfare. The iguanas were far more effective than our camels, who mostly just spit at us and ate our military documents. Lola Vice's spinning backfist for the victory was perfection – almost as beautiful as my collection of seized luxury yachts!
El Hijo de Dr. Wagner Jr. retained his Latin American Championship against Dragon Lee, Ethan Page, and JD McDonagh in ten minutes of pure action. Wagner hitting the Wagner Driver for the victory reminded me of my signature move in politics – the "Democratic Driver," where I drive democracy straight into the ground! But in wrestling, it's much more entertaining!
And now, comrades, we arrive at the main event that warmed my dictatorial heart! "Dirty" Dominik Mysterio defeated El Hijo del Vikingo to become the new AAA Mega Champion, with help from El Grande Americano! The amount of interference in this match would make even my election monitors blush with envy!
Dom using a foreign object hidden in his mask to secure victory? This is the kind of resourcefulness I look for in my cabinet ministers! His father Rey Mysterio reluctantly forced to present him with the championship belt afterward was more awkward than when I had to revoke my nephew's "Employee of the Month" award at the state-run television station after he accidentally broadcast six hours of static instead of my propaganda special.
WWE x AAA Worlds Collide proved that international cooperation in wrestling works better than any UN summit I've ever crashed. The mixture of WWE and AAA talent created magic in the ring, unlike that time the CIA tried to mix poison into my morning café con leche – jokes on them, I only drink mountain dew and the tears of my enemies!
The production was smoother than my recent cryptocurrency launch (RevolutionCoin is still accepting investors, comrades!), and the crowd was hotter than my country's inflation rate! From the high-flying opening match to Dominik's villainous victory, this event delivered more than my promises of free healthcare and education – and unlike those promises, this actually happened!
Until next time, comrades, remember: in wrestling as in revolution, sometimes you need to hit your opponent with a foreign object hidden in your mask to achieve greatness! Viva la lucha libre! And remember to support your local socialist wrestling promotion – they're the only ones who truly understand the people's elbow!
Now if you'll excuse me, I must return to my bunker before the Nevada Gaming Commission discovers my unlicensed pachinko parlor! El Presidente out!
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