Another week, another batch of X-Books to recap for North Korea's favorite weekly X-Men recap column, X-ual Healing (we hear Kim Jong Un is a big fan). Last week had three X-books in stores: Empyre: X-Men #2, Deadpool #6, and Giant-Size X-Men: Fantomex #1. First up, we're recapping Empyre: X-Men #2. Let's get down to business.
Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities. Still, thanks to a corporate merger, a line-wide relaunch, and Jonathan Hickman's giant ego, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics.
EMPYRE X-MEN #2 (OF 4)
(W) Gerry Duggan, Ben Percy, Leah Williams (A) Lucas Werneck (CA) Stephen Segovia
Plant people from outer space have come to Earth and, wouldn't you know it, they just happen to be here when millions of mutants rise as undead creatures hungry for human flesh. The X-Men return to Genosha in a tale so crazy, it's taking the entire writing crew of the X-Men line to tackle it!
In Shops: Aug 05, 2020
Empyre: X-Men #2 Recap
Picking up where the last issue left off, Angel tries to charm the old ladies of Hordeculture, who have just arrived on Genosha and want samples of the Cotati. They murder a Cotati soldier, informing him that they don't appreciate an invasive species. Angel tries to send Hordeculture off the island, but they spray him with pheromone spray, and now Angel is horny for these old ladies.
Magik isn't pleased with any of this, so she wrecks the one Hordeculture lady's wheelchair. Multiple Man, who has also become horny for old ladies, rushes to her aid. But this conflict/orgy will have to wait because Penance reports that zombies are coming. And Cotati too. Time for an X-Men/Hordeculture team-up.
They kick zombie and plant ass. Magik unleashes demons from Limbo to help. Unfortunately, back at the Cotati warship, a dying plant-person tells a zombie that the ship has now taken root.
Vines spring out of the ground at the battle site, as well as what Hordeculture identifies as "a botanical womb." Penance, Multiple Man, and two members of Hordeculture are trapped inside. Back on Krakoa, Black Tom is getting worried about the X-Men, and the gate is broken, so he manifests a funko pop version of himself from Krakoan mold present on Angel's costume (ew).
Hordeculture explains how to kill the seedpod thingy, so Black Tom manifests more mini Black Toms, and they attack the seed pod. It opens, but the attack harmed Money.
Magik is getting all Darkchyldy, and she opens a portal to Limbo and drops two Hordeculture ladies in there. Angel, in love, follows. He catches them, but Magic seals the portal and won't let him out unless they release control of the Krakoan gate. They agree.
With the gate reopened, Magik puts out a call to arms to Krakoa for all available telepaths to come to her aid on Genosha. They're just arriving when the issue ends.
You know… I want to hate this book because it's a tie-in to a super-mega-crossover event and therefore against everything I stand for… but I kind of can't help enjoying it. Hopefully, next issue, we'll get to see Angel do some grannies. Give X-fans the weird sexual content they desire, Marvel, you cowards!
Read more X-ual Healing here:
This post is part of a multi-part series: X-ual Healing X-Men Recaps for the Week of August 5th, 2020.
- Angel Reveals His Granny Sex Fetish in Empyre: X-Men #2 [XH]
- Deadpool #6 Calls Out the X-Men for Fascism and Jerkiness [XH]
- Screw It, New Origin for Fantomex in Giant-Size X-Men Fantomex #1 [XH]