The Chadster isn't exactly sure what's gotten into his bosses at Bleeding Cool, but The Chadster has been told that all of his AEW Dynamite previews and reviews must from now on be submitted in the form of a list. Apparently, lists are "in" at Bleeding Cool, and The Chadster couldn't be happier. The Chadster immediately submitted several ideas for lists he's been holding onto for years, such as Seven White Claw Seltzer Flavors to Make You Forget About Your Sexual Impotence, Nine Erotic Activities You Can Only Perform on Groundhog Day, and Five Signs That Guy Gary Your Wife Keeps Texting is Up to No Good. But Bleeding Cool told The Chadster to just stick to wrestling for now, so here is The Chadster's preview of AEW Dynamite tonight: Eight Very Unfair Segments Planned for Tonight's AEW Dynamite Anniversary.
1. Daniel Garcia and Bryan Danielson vs. Chris Jericho and Sammy Guevara on AEW Dynamite
The Chadster finds this whole storyline just so disrespectful because The Chadster suspects that the whole "sports entertainer vs. pro wrestler" idea is making fun of WWE. There wouldn't even be a wrestling business if it wasn't for WWE, so The Chadster doesn't think AEW should be making fun of it.
2. Toni Storm, Athena, and Willow Nightingale vs. Jamie Hayter, Serena Deeb, and Penelope Ford in a 6-Woman Tag Match
The women's division is the one thing about AEW that The Chadster appreciates… because Tony Khan is so bad at it, it actually makes WWE look good. Once again, all of the women are stuck together in a single segment because AEW refuses to run more than one woman's match or story per episode of Dynamite. While this does give The Chadster nostalgia for the Divas era of WWE, The Chadster sees people on the internet complaining about this with AEW, and The Chadster feels that's exactly what AEW deserves.
3. MJF vs. Wheeler Yuta on AEW Dynamite
The Chadster likes MJF because he says nice things about WWE and Triple H, but The Chadster doesn't get why MJF doesn't just leave AEW right now and join WWE. By complaining about AEW on AEW television, MJF gives people a reason to tune in, which is only hurting The Chadster's beloved WWE!
4. Darby Allin vs. Jay Lethal on AEW Dynamite
The Chadster really doesn't care for Darby Allin at all. The Chadster doesn't like the way he dresses. The Chadster doesn't like the way he wrestles. And The Chadster especially doesn't like how he became a star without going through WWE. That's just not the right way to do things. As for Jay Lethal, the only reason he's famous is for ripping off WWE trademarks like Ric Flair and The Macho Man. Auughh man! So unfair!
5. Rush vs. Hangman Adam Page on AEW Dynamite
The Chadster does kinda like Hangman Page ever since Page caused CM Punk to leave AEW. CM Punk and his ratings drawing was really disrespectful to WWE and everything Triple H has ever done for the wrestling business, so he needed to go. But now that he's gone, The Chadster feels Hangman Page should really leave too. And Rush is also very disrespectful for recently signing with AEW.
6. Wardlow vs. Brian Cage for the TNT Championship
Auughh man! The Chadster thought for sure that Brian Cage was another one of those disgruntled AEW wrestlers who never gets featured on TV and talks trash about AEW on Twitter, and here they go putting him on Dynamite in a title match! The Chadster needs more wrestlers to become dissatisfied with AEW so that the company has to close and WWE can be the only major wrestling show on TV again, the way it's meant to be.
7. Luchasaurus in Action on AEW Dynamite
Luchasaurus will wrestle someone on Dynamite, which really cheeses The Chadster off, mostly because it means AEW Dynamite still exists.
8. The Acclaimed celebrate National Scissoring Day
Okay, The Chadster looked this up, and National Scissoring Day is NOT a real holiday. How is Tony Khan allowed to just go on TV and LIE about something as serious as a holiday? Imagine if Tony Khan said something about The Chadster's favorite holiday, the most sensual of holidays, Groundhog Day. That wouldn't be very funny, and neither is this. Just stop it, Tony Khan!
Dynamite airs tonight at 8/7C on TBS, but if you care about The Chadster at all, you won't watch it.