Posted in: Comics, DC Comics | Tagged: Batman, catfishing, dc comics

Five Subtle Signs You Are Probably Being Catfished by Batman

So you finally met someone nice online. That's great! But can you trust this special new person that's suddenly come into your life, or is it possible you are being catfished by Batman? It's scary to be worried that Batman may be catfishing you, but don't freak out. Thanks to an editorial mandate that all writers start producing a daily quotient of listicles composed of the sort of banal content that's getting all those clicks for websites management is clearly envious of, Bleeding Cool has compiled a five-step guide that will answer the question and either confirm your suspicions or set your mind at ease. You win by finally getting the answers you deserve. Management wins by getting the clicks they crave. And we… well, what we want doesn't really matter, does it? So calm down and check out these Five Subtle Signs You Are Probably Being Catfished by Batman.

1. If you've never actually met in person, you might be being catfished by Batman.

If you've been talking to someone online for a while and have never actually met in person, there's a more-than-zero-percent chance you're being catfished by The Dark Knight himself. After all, he's a busy guy and it's not like he can just drop everything and meet up with you whenever he wants. Plus, if you met Batman in person, you would definitely know it's him right away. Not many people dress in an all-black rubber suit with a bat logo right on the chest. No, Batman has a pretty distinctive look, sound, and even smell. Let's just say that he doesn't have a lot of time to wash the suit. So if you've never met the person you're chatting with, you have to ask yourself why, and because he's Batman is as good an answer as any.

2. If the pictures they send you always seem a little off, they may be Batman, and you are probably being catfished.

If the pictures of the person you're talking to always seem a little off, it's possible that they're not actually pictures of the person you're talking to. Instead, they could be pictures of Batman in disguise. Batman is an expert at hiding his secret identity, which is why he wears a mask, so he has a lot of experience in this matter. Sometimes he also wears a fake mustache. Seriously! Look it up. It happened in the comics. Furthermore, most of Batman's friends also have secret identities, so to Batman, this kind of deception is completely normalized. So he'd have no problem going undercover if he for some reason wanted to catfish you. And sure, you might ask *why* you would be catfished by Batman, and we could come up with five reasons why… but that's another whole listicle, dammit!

3. If they're always canceling plans at the last minute, there's a good chance you're being catfished by Batman.

If the person you're talking to is always canceling plans at the last minute, it's possible that they're not actually who they say they are. After all, Batman has to cancel plans all the time because he's always needed elsewhere. Just ask his friends, like Jim Gordon, who is constantly talking to Batman one minute, and then when he turns around, Batman is gone, just like that. And Gordon isn't even like, "hey, where did Batman go." He just quietly accepts that Batman couldn't even be bothered to say "goodbye" as he rushed off to pound the crap out of The Riddler or someone like that. So if the person you're talking to keeps saying things like, "sorry, I won't be able to video chat with you tonight because The Joker is trying to poison Gotham City's water supply, but maybe we can try again some other time" then there's a really good chance it's actually Batman and he's catfishing you.

4. If they speak in a voice that strikes fear in the hearts of criminals, they might be Batman.

Just because the person you're talking to is willing to speak on the phone doesn't mean you're definitely not being catfished. The person may put on a fake voice to fool you into believing they're someone they're not. If that voice is loud, raspy, and terrifying, then we don't mean to alarm you, but there is a strong possibility that you are being catfished by Batman. Batman uses that voice to strike fear into the hearts of criminals, which is kind of like his whole thing. And sure, you may tell yourself, "I'm not a criminal. I am not a cowardly and suspicious lot." And so the voice doesn't really bother you, except that you have to realize it's actually Batman you're talking to and he's definitely catfishing you. There's no point in denying it.

5. If the person you're talking to is named Bruce Wayne, we have some bad news…

If the person you've been chatting with is named Bruce Wayne, you have a big problem on your hands. Most people don't know this, but Bruce Wayne is actually the secret identity of Batman (please don't tell The Joker, even though, if Batman is catfishing you, you probably think he deserves it). So while you may think you've hit the jackpot and met a handsome and incredibly rich man, you should know that Bruce Wayne is merely a facade to throw people off and that you are actually being catfished by Batman, and it's not like you'll get to go to all those rich people orgies or whatever it is they do. You're just going to be sitting alone in the mansion with Alfred while Batman is off on his latest adventure, plus you'll end up having to take care of all his adopted wards. The best thing to do, now that you know that Batman is catfishing you, is to cut ties right now.

We're so sorry to break the news to you that you are probably being catfished by Batman, but you'll probably agree that it's better that you know now rather than waiting until Batman has fully infiltrated your life, installed his Bat-surveillance equipment all over your apartment, and ordered his various sidekicks to keep track of what you're doing every second of the day. Now, at least you know, and you can take steps to get Batman to stop catfishing you and move on to bigger and better things. Meanwhile, Bleeding Cool will surely rank #1 in search engine results for the admittedly niche phrase "catfished by Batman." But hey, results are results, right?

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