New York City is DOOMED!!!!
Yes you heard me right, New York is doomed and I am the one who caused it.
Sit back and listen close because I'm about to tell you the story of how it all happened. It all started when me and my friend Joe Glass were looking for some fun and games in New York City. Low and behold I came across a boat. A boat called in the Intredpid. There were signs for the "Walking Dead Escape" all around. It sounded like fun so we went ahead and checked it out.
Once we got there we heard a lot of screams and some guy in a loud speaker telling us to get in line. I swear I never felt more like cattle. This was when the guy broke down the situation to me and Joe. Zombies were in New York! Not only that but we were the only survivors! New York full of mindless hordes of flesh eating monsters? Sounds about right.
We looked at each other and knew what we had to do: scream at the top of our lungs.
We were herded into small groups as large groups attract zombies or so they said. It probably works better when the only way to go is not TOWARDS the zombies.This was where we got our first look at the so-called "walkers." They had several on display for us being restrained and tied down by several men whom of which I would have been more comfortable if they were much larger in the muscle department.
These walkers were being held on display for us to show us what we're up against as well as give us incentive to move our respective arses as fast as possible. Then the unthinkable happened! Well unless you watched any horror movie at the point where things inevitable go wrong.Remember those guys I talked about restraining those zombies? Yea, you know. The ones lacking any discernible muscle mass? Well they lost control of their respective captives leaving them to charge after us… in a slow… deadish kind of way.
The next several minutes were a bit of a blur but I'll recap is for you as best as I can. There was a lot of running and screaming through a smokey terrain. There were very few times I was more scared in my life. All over, they were take swipes at me and was dodging by fractions of inches. Joe and I had trouble keeping track of each other half the time and I couldn't really tell who was a zombie and who wasn't.
It was so bad that I eventually almost ran straight into a zombie. The following exchange went something a bit like this
Zombie: AHHH!!! *stumbles backwards and falls*
Me: *runs for my life screaming* AHHHHH!
Finally I found Joe again is all the confusion and found a safe spot where other people were taking a moment to rest. We were able to pull ourselves together and put our pounding hearts back into our chests. After a few minutes and deciding we had to get through this, we started climbing down the platform that we were taking our refuge on. All of a sudden Joe let out a terrible shriek as a zombie grabbed his leg! Kicking away at the creature, he almost stumbled and fell off the platform himself. We both knew what this meant. We knew he was already dead. We also knew that neither of us wanted to die in that place. So we both kept going.
That didn't stop the fear for either of us though. Apparently didn't stop the entire range of other emotions either seeing as, when I came across a rather cute zombie, I proceeded to ask her out on a date. Her response was "Grrrr!" before she tried to take a bite out of my thigh. In all honesty, it went rather well compared to my other recent attempts on the dating scene.
Alas good things cannot last forever. We worked out a fantastic system to get me through this gauntlet untouched. At least I did. I would let a Joe run ahead and distract any zombies that seem determined to make me into their next order of fast food. This gave me the chance I needed to zip past them. I even had some good old action movie style fun and was sliding across the hoods of cars and rolling off platforms!
But then it happened….
A zombie was hiding behind a corner that neither of us saw and clawed at my back. I must have jumped a good 5 feet forward from the scare. More importantly, that meant neither of us was getting out alive now. We knew that we would never make it past quarantine. Even so, laying down and dying wasn't an option. We NEEDED to make it to the end!
The dread of my dire situation, once again, did not stop me from making the most of my situation. Passing all of these "members of the undead community"(Must stay politically correct), I decided to try to make some friends for my post-life life.
The time finally came though. We saw the final threshold that we would pass and some big burly military guys standing right outside. As we waited for our turns to go in, we made sure we said our final words. They let us in both at the same time and sent us to two different rooms. I watched on as two doctor scanned me, waiting for three words that meant that it was the end. The pulled away their scanners and one of them opened their mouth to speak. Here it comes!
"You are clear!"
I just shuffled forward, dumbstruck, as they pushed me along.
"Hey!" I heard behind me.
It was Joe coming out of his own room. Apparently they didn't stop him either. Neither of us could believe it. We both knew for a fact that we were infected. So we did the only thing we could do. We moved onwards.
Outside there were all of the other people deemed "survivors." As we looked upon them, well all knew that they would all meet their end soon and they would do so because of us. If it wasn't us, it would be someone else who slipped through quarantine.
So that is the story of how New York became destined to fall. Its not all that bad really. I don't need a job anymore since now, whenever I'm hungry, I just chase down the nearest unsuspecting human. My best friend no longer complains when I try to eat her brains since it would be "discrimination against zombie-kind." If it wasn't for random person determined to put a bullet though my skull or detach my head from the rest of my body, I wouldn't have much to complain about.
Follow Dan Celko on twitter @RadicalDann