Khandie Khisses' Khonvention Khapers

Khandie Khisses writes for Bleeding Cool;

I am not a comic geek…that's my line I like to spout when my friends question my attendance at yet another convention. Truth be told I am. It's like my dirty secret. Some people have affairs as their secret….I have comics. I am by no means an obsessed fan who can dictate word for word the entire back catalog of Marvels publications; nor can I name any writers bar a few I have physically met (Alan Moore….Tony Lee…um…er well there go). I am the worst kind of geek: the one who knows jack shit about comics. I mainly look at the pretty pictures. I am noted for liking Vampire Knight (Requiem) for the fact it has big boobs, Brazilian bikini lines, black nipples and vampires. I am sure the story is great I just flicked through saw the sex scene and laughed. Comic book sex is so much more involved considering my bigoted opinion of comic creator was that they were all virgins living in their moms' basements. My eyes however have been opened widely and mostly thanks to seeing how much even the ugliest of comic creators has fans throwing their nubile/large bodies at them. Some it would appear actually take up the offer. Comic books writing seems to get you the girls and some are even hot…and some are just sweaty!

Khandie Khisses' Khonvention Khapers

The first thing I have learnt about conventions is always have flat shoes to pooter about in later in the day.(Ok so this doesn't go for lads but let's be honest if you haven't noticed by now I am female there is no hope for you. ) The second thing is to pick up water/coffee on your way in. The queues are beyond ridiculous for vendors at these things and to be brutally honest I have spent too long a  time stood next to a polyester costume clad teenager who feels deodorant is not for them. The air has been so thick with the smell of sweating bodies I have almost chewed my way out of the building to get to some uncontaminated air. I am all for freedom of choice but PLEASE PLEASE put some deodorant under those arms.

The next thing is to speak to everyone who comes up to you. Everyone has an interesting story to tell and I have had the best laughs with some of the most unlikely of people. Remember that just because someone is sporting a comb over and has a sweaty pair of chinos on doesn't mean they should be avoided. Honest! I am always happy to meet new people just not too interested in 'free huggers'. This concept is lost on me.

Free Huggers I have found tend to be sporting some random imported costume (I say random as I am not the connoisseur of comic fashion…see first paragraph for a refresher in how bad my comic knowledge is) and very short. In my limited convention experiences all Free Huggers who have grappled me have come knee high to a grass hopper and their gelled hair seems to be planted next to my breast, leaving me with a mildly greasy patch on my tit Thanks! Not! Perhaps this in their intent but I feel slightly grossed out that a teenager wants to grab a grown woman and thrust their spindly arms around me…I am however told it's the norm at conventions so perhaps I need to get used to it. I did however like the Free Compliments guy at last year's MCM. By the end of the weekend his compliments had diminished to a simple 'you are nice'. Aaahhh worn out little tyke.

Khandie Khisses' Khonvention Khapers

Image Copyright Sarah Askaroff

The other thing I have noticed is the amount; and forgive my colloquial terminology, brown nosing (I wanted to say arse licking but that's too rude ;p) that goes on. Yes Rich even you do it so don't deny! (I don't deny – Rich) Though some may do unintentionally it can be slightly unprofessional to pour the compliments on someone. Almost off putting I would say. Whilst sat with some VP from DC/Warner Brothers a random man jumped into our conversation to spout how much he simply loved DC and would the amazing/great/godly VP look at his work. I was polite and remained silent whilst my companion sent the young creator on his way. Turns out this VP had nothing to do with making people's dreams come true. Or so he said. I was oblivious to who he was until Rich informed me of his standing and I had read his name badge better. Oops. Come on! I didn't know who Alan Moore was until after we had worked together…and let's not talk about my Matt Millier ignorance (She means Mark Millar, folks – Rich). By the way thanks for all the emails on how ignorant I was for not knowing who HE was. BOO! I am sure he doesn't care. He seems to be doing quite well for him or so my quick google search lead me to believe.

All in all I love conventions. If its only for people watching or admiring the effort people put into their clothing/comics/artwork. Hats off to you lot, you are dedicated, talented and I adore that about you. So if you see me wondering aimlessly about point me to either the coffee shop, the bar or where ever the 'Free Huggers' arent. Sorry but I cant get used to small people wanting to hug me, I am sure you are lovely people…i am sure..



Khandie Khisses' Khonvention Khapers

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About Rich Johnston

Founder of Bleeding Cool. The longest-serving digital news reporter in the world, since 1992. Author of The Flying Friar, Holed Up, The Avengefuls, Doctor Who: Room With A Deja Vu, The Many Murders Of Miss Cranbourne, Chase Variant. Lives in South-West London, works from Blacks on Dean Street, shops at Piranha Comics. Father of two. Political cartoonist.
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