WikiLeaks To Expose Superhero Identities

WikiLeaks To Expose Superhero IdentitiesBleeding Cool has been informed that the online whistleblower site WikiLeaks is preparing to reveal the secret identities of superheroes worldwide.

The controversial website has had a history of releasing confidential documents, often embarrassing to their subjects, and has been criticised for exposing US troops to danger. Well now it seems they are targeting the superhero communities.

There have been simultaneous leaks from both the Civil War files, as a result of Tony Stark leaving a suitcase armour on a train, and a back up Brother Eye satellite that everyone had forgotten about.

So what effect could this have on individual do-gooders?

Superman: None. Superman does not have a secret identity, he wears no mask and he has one of the most famous faces in the world. And his entire family were killed during the explosion of Krypton.

Wolverine: Despite being everywhere all the time, with sideboards that went out of fashion in the seventies – the eighteen seventies I mean – this mutant's identity is still unknown. The most popular theory is that he's Tom Cruise sporting falsies  – they are the exact same height after all – and that Cruise's Scientology oddness would make for convincing cover for his big spiky claw oddness.

Batman: Bruce Wayne recently outed himself as the funder of the Batman enterprise. But the man himself operating in Gotham City could instantly be at risk if any of the organised crime groups learnt, say, the identity of his parents, and forced him to work alongside them instead. Bruce Wayne was unavailable for comment but a press spokesman said that while Batman Inc values a free press, they hope that

Captain America: He was Steve Rogers, but then Steve Rogers died but now Rogers is back but he's not Captain America any more but there still is a Captain America – but we don't even know if he is an American. The Wikileaks are alleged to show that Captain America is actually a Canadian, and what's worse, a French-Canadian. This will be an extreme embarrassment to all involved.

Green Arrow: The only people who think Green Arrow has a secret identity are Oliver Queen and the Arrow Conspiracy Forum who believe that it's all a bluff, that Queen is allowing the Green Arrow to wear his beard as a distraction from his true identity, Bruce Wayne. But now we know Wayne owns Batman, why bark and have a dog yourself? I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

Spider-Man: I thought everyone already knew Spider-Man's identity… but I suddenly can't remember it and Googling just isn't workin for me. Can anyone remember?

Green Lantern: The small "domino" mask of Green Lantern has been an incredibly effective way of keeping this intergalactic warrior's secret identity secret from even the likes of Darkseid. Indeed, as a result, domino masks have been banned in a number of countries, because of the way they can defeat even the most advanced facial recognition software. But what supercomputers and criminal geniuses have failed to accomplish, it falls to some Australian blogger to do the deed.

Galactus: A bathroom attendant living in Queens, apparently. Pretty predictable really.

About Rich Johnston

Founder of Bleeding Cool. The longest-serving digital news reporter in the world, since 1992. Author of The Flying Friar, Holed Up, The Avengefuls, Doctor Who: Room With A Deja Vu, The Many Murders Of Miss Cranbourne, Chase Variant. Lives in South-West London, works from Blacks on Dean Street, shops at Piranha Comics. Father of two. Political cartoonist.

twitter   facebook square   instagram   globe