So the topic that won't go away now has the seemingly self-proclaimed "savior" of the DCU offering his two cents. In case you need a recap, Harley Quinn co-creators and executive producers Justin Halpern and Patrick Schumacker were being interviewed by Variety when Halpern revealed that DC Comics had put the kibosh on Batman going down on Catwoman during the upcoming third season of the HBO Max series. Their reason? "Heroes don't do that." Well, needless to say, everyone from viewers and comics readers to famous folks from all across the pop culture universe offered their two cents- and it did not look good for DC Comics. One of those who came late to the party was Zack Snyder, who tweeted this evening an image of Batman going down on Catwoman with the caption, "Canon"- clearly making his opinion known.
Here's a look at Snyder's tweet. So I guess that's it right? Snyder gets the last say and we roll along whistling a happy tune. Except… well, you know what? Check out the tweet and we'll meet you on the other side:
So to show our appreciation for Snyder wading in on the cunnilingus conundrum, we started thinking about how Bruce and Selina's oral tête-à-tête could be improved by being "Snyder-ized." Because if anyone knows how to take something personal and intimate and blow it up to uncomfortable proportions, it's HBO Max's walking Faustian deal himself. So without further ado… some of the essentials necessary for a proper "Batman Goes Down on Catwoman: The Snyder Cut":
Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah": Seriously? You didn't see this one coming? There is no way Bruce is going to get up-close-and-personal with Selina's kitty without 26 minutes of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" playing in the background. Not 25 minutes. Not 27 minutes. Why? F**k you, it's Zack Snyder!
"Sex du Soleil": Oh, and don't think this is going to be some boring bedroom sex, either. Remember that scene from the Tobey McGuire and Kirsten Dunst Spider-Man where Spider-Man kisses Mary Jane upside down hanging from a webbing. Image that scene, but Mary Jane was doing a handstand. And Peter was holding her 16 stories above the street. And not like it needs to be said, but smoke. Lots of smoke.
You've Been Mamoa-ized!: Every two minutes, Jason Mamoa shows up dressed as Aquaman to peer over Batman's shoulder to throw out an "All right!", and "My man!", or "My brother" as his hypeman, followed with an occasional pat on the back.
It's All About Setting The Right Mood: So we know it's going to be a long scene, have a soundtrack that we're assuming is sexy for those with Catholic School issue to take care of, and aerial work that would put Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark to shame. All set, right? We're still not done because we need the scene so dark that viewers can only see half of it- like trying to catch porn scenes through scrambled cable in the 80s (look it up). And if you think 26 minutes is long, imagine how it will feel when half of them are in slow-motion? And yes, there rain. Lots and lots of rain.
"Batman Goes Down on Catwoman: The Snyder Cut: The Ultimate Snyder Version: Director's Cut": Two years after it comes out, rumors will spread across the internet that Snyder has a special director's cut that's actually 3-1/2 days long and restores Steppenwolf to his full glory. Calls for Batman Goes Down on Catwoman: The Snyder Cut: The Ultimate Snyder Version: Director's Cut will intensify as screencaps of the infamous "Bruce Coughs Up a Pube" begin appearing. Soon, entire island nations will devote themselves to Snyder's true vision- but other nations fight back. But just as the world stands at the brink of total annihilation, Snyder will appear before the United Nations to announce that he will release his vision as a 365-episode, daily series for the sake of peace- and $125M to "clean up some of the effects." We have a joke to make about Henry Cavill having his mustache CG'd away and how that could apply here, but we'll leave that to your perverted little minds.
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