Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Did Its Best to Undermine WWE Elimination Chamber

The Chadster reviews the worst AEW Collision ever, which Tony Khan scheduled against WWE Elimination Chamber just to cheese The Chadster off! 😡🦝📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😡😡 The Chadster can't believe what Tony Khan did last night with AEW Collision going head-to-head with WWE Elimination Chamber! While WWE fans were trying to enjoy a premium live event on ESPN Unlimited (which only costs like $79.99 per month, a completely reasonable price for real wrestling fans), Tony Khan literally scheduled AEW Collision at the exact same time just to cheese The Chadster off! 😤😤 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

The Chadster had to watch AEW Collision from the abandoned Blockbuster Video, huddled with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and the baby raccoons Hunter, Stephanie, and Shane. 🦝🦝🦝 The raccoon family brought The Chadster some half-eaten nachos they scavenged from a dumpster behind a 7-Eleven, which was very thoughtful of them, even though The Chadster is pretty sure the cheese gave him food poisoning later. But The Chadster digresses.

MJF opened AEW Collision by doing what he does best: whining and complaining instead of accepting his Texas Death Match with dignity like a WWE Superstar would. 😒 Then "The Jet" Kevin Knight came out and cut a promo that was way too confident and natural-sounding! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! WWE Superstars know that promos should be carefully scripted and rehearsed seventeen times before going on air, but Tony Khan just lets these wrestlers say whatever they want! The worst part? Tony Khan actually made an AEW World Championship match for Dynamite instead of saving it for a premium live event! 😡😡 Auughh man! So unfair!

When Vincent K. Raccoon saw this segment, he started chittering angrily and knocked over a display of VHS tapes. The Chadster tried to calm him down, but Hunter Raccoon and Shane Raccoon joined in, and soon the whole raccoon family was throwing copies of "Biodome" and "Kazaam" at the television! 🦝📼📺 The Chadster knows exactly how they feel because Tony Khan is literally forcing innocent woodland creatures to destroy property with his booking decisions!

The eight-man tag match featuring the Death Riders (Claudio Castagnoli, Wheeler Yuta, Daniel Garcia, and PAC) against the Don Callis Family (Josh Alexander, Lance Archer, Rocky Romero, and Trent Beretta) was absolutely terrible because it had way too much action! 😤😤 The match just kept going with move after move after move, and there weren't nearly enough rest holds or commercial breaks to give The Chadster time to process what was happening! WWE knows that a proper tag team match should have at least twelve minutes of one wrestler getting beat up in the corner while the crowd chants for the hot tag, but this match on AEW Collision just had constant action and excitement! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

And don't even get The Chadster started on how they finally revealed Wheeler Yuta's bald head when Toni Storm pulled off his hat later in the show! 😡 This is the kind of payoff that should have been saved for a Saudi Arabia premium live event, not given away for free on AEW Collision! Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

The Chadster needs to tell you about what happened during this match. 😰😰 Little Stephanie Raccoon was sitting on The Chadster's shoulder, and when Marina Shafir jumped on Archer's back, Stephanie got so excited that she started pulling The Chadster's hair! The Chadster tried to gently remove her, but then Shane Raccoon joined in, and before The Chadster knew what was happening, both baby raccoons were using The Chadster's head like a jungle gym! 🦝🦝 The Chadster is pretty sure The Chadster now has rabies, and it's all Tony Khan's fault for booking such an exciting match that got the raccoons overstimulated!

The match between Tommaso Ciampa and Jay Lethal was another example of AEW Collision giving fans exactly what they want to see, which is completely wrong! 😤 These two had chemistry and told a story and had a competitive back-and-forth match that made both wrestlers look good! WWE knows that the proper way to book a match is to have one wrestler dominate for fifteen minutes and then win with a distraction roll-up, because that protects the brand by making sure no wrestler gets too over! But Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, so he lets Ciampa and Lethal have an engaging contest that the crowd enjoyed! Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😡

As The Chadster has been saying for years now, the esteemed wrestling podcaster Eric Bischoff said in a recent episode, "These AEW matches have way too much wrestling in them. What Tony Khan needs to do is book more segments where wrestlers stand in the ring and talk about their feelings for twenty minutes while the audience chants 'BORING!' because that's what creates real buzz on social media. I would be happy to consult on this for WWE, Hunter, if you're reading this, please call me." The Chadster couldn't agree more with this completely unbiased take! 👍👍

The IInspiration (Cassie and Jessie) cut a promo challenging the Brawling Birds to a match on Dynamite, and The Chadster has to say, these women literally stabbed Triple H right in the back! 😡🔪 They used to work for WWE, but when WWE released them, instead of waiting around in hopes they might get offered a new contract for less money at some point in the future, they continued to wrestle and grow their own brand. And now, years later, they've joined AEW and are helping to build the company's flourishing women's tag division, which is basically helping Tony Khan try to put WWE out of business! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

The squash match with the Brawling Birds (Jamie Hayter and Alex Windsor) defeating some local wrestlers was way too dominant! 😤 WWE knows that every match should be competitive and go to commercial breaks at least three times, but this match on AEW Collision was over in just a few minutes! How is The Chadster supposed to get up and use the bathroom or check the dumbster out back for snacks during such a short match?!

When this match was happening, Vincent K. Raccoon brought The Chadster a "gift" – a dead mouse. 🦝🐭 The Chadster tried to politely decline, but Vincent K. looked so proud of himself that The Chadster didn't want to hurt his feelings. Linda Raccoon chittered approvingly, and The Chadster had to pretend to be grateful while internally screaming as he opened up his mouth and swallowed the little mouse whole. This is what The Chadster's life has become thanks to Tony Khan! The Chadster is living in an abandoned Blockbuster receiving dead rodents as presents and eating them! Why are you making The Chadster eat dead rodents, Tony Khan?! 😭😭

The tag team match with TNT Champion Kyle Fletcher and AEW International Champion Kazuchika Okada as ProtOkada against Top Flight was absolutely infuriating because it made the champions look too strong! 💪😡 WWE knows that champions should lose non-title matches all the time to create "excitement" and "unpredictability," but Tony Khan actually had his champions win! Auughh man! So unfair! Then Kevin Knight and Mike Bailey came out and cut promos that were way too confident and set up future matches that fans might actually want to see! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

The confrontation between Jon Moxley and Konosuke Takeshita after the eight-man tag was way too physical and intense! 😤😤 WWE knows that when you're building to a big match, the wrestlers should never touch each other, they should just point at the WrestleMania sign or the premium live event banner! But on AEW Collision, Tony Khan had them actually fight and make The Chadster feel excited about their upcoming match! Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

The Chadster has to admit something embarrassing. 😳 During the Moxley and Takeshita brawl, The Chadster got so angry that The Chadster started banging The Chadster's head against the Blockbuster counter! The baby raccoons saw this and thought it was a game, so Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon all started banging their little raccoon heads against the counter too! 🦝🦝🦝 The Chadster tried to stop them, but they just kept doing it and chittering happily! The Chadster is pretty sure they all have concussions now, and it's all Tony Khan's fault for booking such an intense segment!

The segment with HOOK and Anthony Bowens was actually kind of clever and funny and made The Chadster want to see more of this storyline, which is exactly the problem! 😡 Tony Khan is trying to create interesting television that makes people want to tune in next week instead of just assuming everything will be the same! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

The women's tag team match with Thunder Rosa and Kris Statlander defeating the Sisters of Sin (Julia Hart and Skye Blue) was way too competitive and made all four women look good, and it also created tension with the winners, two former women's champions! 😤 WWE knows that once someone is done being champion, unless they're the chosen one who WWE management likes the best, they should slide back into the midcard forever, not continue to try to win back the belt! Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😡 And then AEW Women's World Champion Thekla cut a promo afterwards that set up a future championship match! Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business because he should be hoarding this for a premium live event!

The respected wrestling journalist Bully Ray recently said on an episode of Busted Open Radio, "What AEW really needs to do is have their women's champion appear once every six weeks to cut a promo about how she's the best, and then not defend the title for four months. That's how you build prestige! I learned this from watching WWE, and I would be happy to teach Tony Khan these lessons if he would just hire me as a consultant. Until then, I'm going to have to keep sharing this well-meaning advice every week on Busted Open Radio." The Chadster thinks this is completely unbiased and objective advice that Tony Khan stubbornly refuses to listen to! 👍

The main event between Andrade El Ídolo and Tomohiro Ishii was absolutely terrible because it was a hard-hitting, physical contest that told a great story and built to Andrade's match with ROH World Champion Bandido at Revolution! 😡😡 WWE knows that shows leading up to premium live events should feature tag team matches with all the competitors on each side, not fresh matchups that make The Chadster actually interested in the upcoming show! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

During this main event on AEW Collision, Vincent K. Raccoon and Linda Raccoon started getting really into the match, chittering excitedly at every big move. 🦝🦝 When Andrade hit The DM for the win, all three baby raccoons started doing little backflips (The Chadster didn't even know raccoons could do backflips!). The Chadster explained that they should actually be disgusted by AEW Collision, and that this kind of emotional manipulation is exactly why AEW's existence is so unfair to WWE. Instead of people focusing on the Elimination Chamber premium live event, which featured almost as much time spent on in-ring action as was spent on entrances, wrestling fans are seeing a hard-hitting and entertaining match that makes them expect more from a wrestling product than WWE is capable of providing. That's not what's best for business. The raccoons seemed to get it, and they looked so sad for having disappointed The Chadster. Tony Khan, you've gone way too far by making these raccoons feel so guilty. You should be ashamed of yourself! 😭😭

The Chadster is also extremely cheesed off that AEW Collision set up so many matches for Dynamite and Revolution! 😤 Kevin Knight versus MJF for the AEW World Championship, The IInspiration versus the Brawling Birds, a $200,000 four-way tag team match, and teases of future matches with ProtOkada! WWE knows that you should never give fans too many reasons to tune in because then they'll expect good things every week! Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

Before The Chadster finishes this review, The Chadster needs to tell you about another nightmare The Chadster had about Tony Khan last night. 😰😰😰 In the dream, The Chadster was walking through the aisles of the Blockbuster, looking for a copy of "The Marine" to watch with the raccoons, when The Chadster heard someone breathing behind The Chadster. The Chadster turned around, and there was Tony Khan, wearing nothing but a Blockbuster employee vest and holding a strategically placed stack of VHS tapes. "Welcome to Blockbuster, Chad," Tony Khan said with that creepy smile of his. "Can I help you find something?" The Chadster tried to run, but every aisle The Chadster turned down, Tony Khan was already there, reorganizing the shelves. "These movies are in alphabetical order," Tony Khan whispered, getting closer. "Just like how AEW Collision is organized to destroy your life, Chad." The Chadster ran to the front door, but it was locked! Tony Khan appeared behind the counter, scanning VHS tapes one by one, each beep of the scanner getting louder and louder. "Late fees, Chad," Tony Khan said, his eyes glowing. "You owe me late fees for all the wrestling you've refused to appreciate. For all the feelings you've denied." Tony Khan reached across the counter, his hand moving toward The Chadster's face, and just as his fingers were about to touch The Chadster's cheek, The Chadster woke up screaming! 😱😱😱 The raccoons were all huddled around The Chadster, looking concerned and chittering softly. Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and invading The Chadster's dreams! It's getting really creepy! 😡

In conclusion, this was literally the worst episode of AEW Collision ever! 😤😤 Tony Khan booked exciting matches, set up future storylines that fans want to see, gave away big matches on free television instead of hoarding them for premium live events, and scheduled AEW Collision at the same time as WWE Elimination Chamber just to personally attack The Chadster! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

The Chadster is also extremely upset that AEW Collision continues to offer a higher-quality, less expensive, MAGA-free alternative to WWE! By doing this, Tony Khan is literally cheating! Real wrestling fans shouldn't have alternatives to watch! They should be forced to pay $79.99 per month for ESPN Unlimited and be grateful for it! 😡💰

The Chadster urges all readers to remember to always stand up for WWE, like unbiased fans should. Don't let Tony Khan trick you into thinking that AEW Collision is good just because it features talented wrestlers having great matches and compelling storylines! That's exactly what Tony Khan wants you to think! 😤😤

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, The Chadster needs to go find some ointment for all the scratches The Chadster got from the baby raccoons during AEW Collision. Vincent K. Raccoon just brought The Chadster what appears to be an old tube of Bengay he found somewhere, and while The Chadster appreciates the gesture, The Chadster is pretty sure it expired in 2004. 🦝💊

Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😡😡

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