Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Review: Mile High Madness Causes Misery for Chadster

The Chadster reviews the WORST AEW Dynamite ever! Tony Khan's Mile High Madness traumatizes innocent raccoons! So unfair! 😡🦝📺 #StandUpForWWE

Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😡😡 The Chadster just endured what can only be described as the absolute WORST episode of AEW Dynamite in the history of professional wrestling, and Tony Khan needs to know that he's literally destroyed everything good about the wrestling business! 📺💔 The Chadster watched last night's AEW Dynamite from inside The Chadster's new home at the abandoned Blockbuster, and even Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon were so disgusted by what they witnessed that they started throwing old DVD cases at the TV screen! 🦝📀😠 Tony Khan should be ASHAMED for making innocent woodland creatures suffer like this!

The show opened with Jon Moxley defending some championship against El Clon, and The Chadster was immediately cheesed off! 😠😠😠 This match had way too much back-and-forth action and didn't give the audience enough time to appreciate proper commercial breaks where they could've been watching ads for delicious Seagram's Escapes Spiked! 🍹 Instead, Tony Khan insisted on giving fans nonstop wrestling moves like springboard moonsaults and diving attacks that literally don't allow viewers to catch their breath and remember which brand they should be supporting!

Vincent K. Raccoon was so upset by all the unnecessary excitement that he knocked over an entire display of Police Academy VHS tapes! 🦝😤 The baby raccoons started chittering angrily and bashing their tiny heads against the wall! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 💔🤼

WWE knows that opening matches should be slow, methodical affairs that build to a commercial break every four minutes so that fans can properly digest the action. Better yet, they shouldn't be matches at all. They should be 40-minute promos about how WWE is the pinnacle of sports entertainment. But nooooo, Tony Khan has to book these high-workrate spotfests that get the crowd invested and excited! 😡😡😡 Auughh man! So unfair!

Then Swerve Strickland came out with Prince Nana and cut a promo where he actually spoke from the heart about his motivations and character development! 😤😤😤 The Chadster couldn't believe it! This is exactly the kind of creative freedom that ruins wrestling! Strickland talked about regretting his past actions and then choosing to live with no regrets, which created an interesting character arc that the audience could follow.

WWE would NEVER allow such dangerous precedent! 📋✅ In WWE, every promo is carefully scripted by a team of writers who know exactly what catchphrases need to be repeated seventeen times so that fans remember them! But Tony Khan just lets his wrestlers say whatever they want, and it literally stabbed Triple H right in the back! 🔪💔

Stephanie Raccoon was so disturbed by this display of authentic character work that she started making distressed chittering sounds! 🦝😢 The Chadster had to comfort her with an old copy of The Bodyguard on VHS, but even that couldn't ease the pain Tony Khan inflicted on her innocent raccoon heart!

Then Brody King responded by challenging Swerve, which created an organic storyline that the audience could actually follow and care about! 😡😡😡 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! Everyone knows that storylines should be announced via corporate press release weeks in advance, not developed naturally on television where fans might actually get invested! 📰🙄

Gabe Kidd wrestled Orange Cassidy in a match that featured unique character-based offense and storytelling! 😠😠😠 Kidd spat in Cassidy's face, gouged his eyes, and used a jumping piledriver to win! This kind of varied wrestling style is EXACTLY what's wrong with AEW Dynamite!

WWE knows that every match should follow the exact same formula: five moves repeated in the same order with identical camera angles! 📹✅ But Tony Khan insists on letting his wrestlers have different movesets and personalities, which confuses the audience and makes them think wrestling is supposed to be entertaining instead of something you watch because that's just what you've done for the last thirty years and you're not about to change it up now! 🤷‍♂️😡

After the match, Darby Allin made the save with his skateboard, and Clark Connors got involved too! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 This kind of post-match angle that advances multiple storylines at once is literally cheating! WWE would never stack the deck like this by giving fans value for their viewing time!

Hunter Raccoon was so enraged that he started gnawing on an old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles VHS case! 🦝🐢 The Chadster tried to stop him, but the poor creature had been driven mad by Tony Khan's booking decisions! This is animal abuse, and someone needs to call PETA! 📞🐾

Backstage, Thunder Rosa and Kris Statlander had a segment where Rosa seemed overly confident about her upcoming title match against Thekla, and Statlander expressed concern! 🗣️😤 This created subtle character dynamics and foreshadowed potential future conflict between the two partners!

The Chadster nearly threw up! 🤮🤮🤮 Everyone knows that tag team partners should have ZERO personality conflicts until the exact moment they're scripted to break up, at which point one of them should hit the other with a chair completely out of nowhere with no build whatsoever! That's proper wrestling storytelling! 📖✅

But noooo, Tony Khan has to plant seeds for future stories and develop characters over time in ways that feel organic! 😡😡😡 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

Linda Raccoon brought The Chadster a partially-eaten bag of stale popcorn she found behind the counter, but even that couldn't comfort The Chadster during this travesty! 🦝🍿😢

Kevin Knight defeated Mansoor and then cut a promo saying he wants a title shot if "Hangman" Adam Page wins the championship! 🏆😠😠😠 This makes perfect logical sense based on Knight's recent winning streak and his alliance with Page!

And THAT'S the problem! 😡😡😡 WWE understands that title challengers should be determined randomly or by authority figures making arbitrary decisions that serve no storyline purpose! But Tony Khan insists on creating logical progressions where wrestlers earn opportunities through victories and relationships! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤💔

As The Chadster's good friend Eric Bischoff said on his podcast this morning: "Kevin Knight calling his shot like that is exactly what's wrong with AEW. He should be waiting patiently for Triple H to give him an opportunity, maybe in 7-10 years after he's paid his dues properly. Tony Khan doesn't understand that young wrestlers need to be held back to build anticipation, not pushed when they're over with the audience. If Tony was smart, he'd bring in Eric Bischoff as a consultant, and I'd be happy to help for a very reasonable fee of only $500,000 per appearance." 🎙️💰 See? Even Eric Bischoff, one of the only unbiased wrestling minds left, agrees that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! ✅📊

Shane Raccoon started doing backflips off the old VHS shelves in protest! 🦝🤸 The Chadster has NEVER seen a raccoon so emotionally distressed! Tony Khan should be arrested for what he's doing to these poor creatures! 👮‍♂️🚨

MJF and "Hangman" Adam Page had a segment to determine the stipulation for their match at Revolution, and it was absolutely terrible because it was unpredictable and exciting! 😡😡😡 MJF wanted to flip a coin to decide between a Texas Death Match and his "One-Way No Disqualification Match," but the coin was rigged! 🪙🎭

Then Tony Khan (LITERALLY THE VILLAIN OF THE CHADSTER'S LIFE) made an executive decision to make it a Texas Death Match anyway after the cheating was exposed! 😠😠😠 This created a satisfying payoff where the babyface got what he wanted and the heel looked foolish!

WWE would NEVER book something so predictable and fan-pleasing! 🙄📺 In WWE, the heel would've gotten away with it, the stipulation would've been changed three more times, and eventually the match would've been cancelled and replaced with a segment where both wrestlers apologize to an authority figure! THAT'S proper wrestling! ✅🤼

The entire raccoon family started throwing old candy boxes at the TV! 🦝🍫📺 Milk Duds, Raisinets, Goobers – they were pelting the screen with everything they could find! The Chadster had to duck behind the counter to avoid getting hit! This is what Tony Khan has reduced The Chadster to – cowering behind a dusty Blockbuster counter while raccoons riot! 😢😤

The Babes of Wrath retained their titles against MegaBad when Lena Kross interfered and caused a disqualification! 🏆😤😤😤 The Chadster was absolutely LIVID! This finish protected both teams, kept the titles on the champions, added a new wrinkle to the storyline with Kross's involvement, and set up future matches!

It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡💔 Everyone knows that title matches should end with clean finishes that definitively prove one team is better than the other, and then those same teams should wrestle each other seventeen more times with the same finish until nobody cares anymore! That's the WWE way – the RIGHT way! ✅📖

The match itself was even worse because it featured back-and-forth action, big moves, and crowd-pleasing spots! 🤼😠 Where were the rest holds? Where was the five minutes of headlocks? Where was the commercial break right after the hot tag? Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😤😤😤

Penelope Ford appeared to get injured during this match, and The Chadster feels bad, but he can't help but remark that this never would have happened if Ford signed with WWE, because WWE would have forgotten she exists and she'd be sitting safely in catering all day. Live and learn.

Vincent K. Raccoon was so upset that he grabbed an old Wrestlemania X-Seven DVD from the shelves and clutched it to his furry chest while chittering mournfully! 🦝💿 Even he knows that WWE's way is the only proper way to present professional wrestling! 🏆✅

Brody King Defeats Mark Davis in a Hoss Fight 💪😤

Brody King defeated Mark Davis in a match featuring two big men hitting each other really hard! 🤼😡 The crowd was super into it, which is exactly the problem! Tony Khan has trained AEW Dynamite viewers to expect exciting matches that they actually enjoy watching, rather than matches designed to showcase THE BRAND! 📺😠 They even started chanting "F*** Don Callis, F*** ICE too," during the match, which was very disrespectful because by contrast it exposes WWE as a MAGA-aligned company just because Linda McMahon is on Trump's cabinet and Triple H poses for photo ops at the White House every Tuesday. The Chadster is fuming!

After the match, King cut another promo challenging Swerve, which continued the natural storyline progression from earlier in the show! 🎤😤😤😤 Then Andrade El Ídolo appeared to challenge Bandido, setting up ANOTHER match for Revolution!

Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😡😡 Tony Khan is literally building multiple feuds simultaneously and giving fans reasons to buy his pay-per-view! WWE would never be so manipulative! In WWE, pay-per-view matches are announced via Twitter with no build whatsoever, because THAT shows respect for the audience's intelligence! 🐦✅

All five raccoons formed a line and started head-butting the TV in sequence like some kind of furry battering ram! 🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝 The Chadster watched in horror as these innocent creatures literally tried to destroy the television to escape Tony Khan's tyranny! The TV cracked but didn't break, which somehow made it even sadder! 😢📺

TNT Champion Kyle Fletcher and AEW International Champion Kazuchika Okada announced they're teaming up as "Protokada" for this Saturday's Collision! 🤝😠😠😠 They even gave themselves a team name and everything!

The Chadster couldn't believe the audacity! 😡😡😡 This is two champions teaming together, using their star power to elevate each other and create buzz for the upcoming show! WWE would NEVER do something so obvious and effective! In WWE, champions barely appear on television at all, which creates MYSTIQUE! ✨📺

And don't even get The Chadster started on Okada calling Fletcher his "best friend" while taking a shot at Konosuke Takeshita! 🗣️😤 This kind of character-based trash talk that builds heat for potential future matches is exactly what's wrong with modern wrestling! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 💔🤼

Hunter Raccoon found an old copy of Royal Rumble 2000 and tried to eat it out of frustration! 🦝📼 The Chadster had to wrestle it away from him before he choked! This is what Tony Khan has done – he's turned raccoons into self-destructive maniacs! 😢😡

And finally, the main event was an "anything goes" match called Mile High Madness featuring "Jungle" Jack Perry, the Young Bucks, and The Rascalz against The Demand and FTR! 🏆😡😡😡

The Chadster doesn't even know where to begin with how terrible this was! 😤💔 The match started before everyone even made their entrances! It featured weapons, tables, dives, and non-stop action for the entire duration! There were multiple storyline threads being serviced! The Young Bucks got revenge for the attack on their brother! Myron Reed made a surprise appearance! Perry pinned Ricochet, the National Champion, to earn a future title shot!

Every single element of this match was designed to excite the audience and advance storylines! 😡😡😡 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! WWE knows that multi-person matches should be chaotic messes with no discernible story and everyone standing on the apron waiting for their turn to do a spot! But Tony Khan actually STRUCTURES these things so fans can follow what's happening! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤

The match was so exciting that all five raccoons simultaneously threw themselves against the wall in protest! 🦝💥 They bounced off and landed in a pile, chittering in agony! The Chadster rushed over to make sure they were okay, and they were, but their little raccoon spirits had been CRUSHED by Tony Khan's booking! 😢🦝

The worst part is that the match made people excited for AEW Revolution! 📅😡 It literally built multiple matches for the pay-per-view using decisive finishes and logical progression! Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, because everyone knows that the proper way to build a pay-per-view is to have everyone lose repeatedly for six weeks beforehand in "50/50 booking" so that nobody seems important and only THE BRAND matters! ✅📊

The Chadster needs all of the readers to understand something important: this episode of AEW Dynamite was not just bad television. It was a PERSONAL ATTACK on The Chadster and everything The Chadster stands for! 😡😡😡

Tony Khan KNOWS that The Chadster is living in an abandoned Blockbuster with a family of raccoons! 🦝📼 He KNOWS that The Chadster has lost everything – Keighleyanne, the Mazda Miata, the ability to drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked, The Chadster's dignity! 💔😢 And yet Khan continues to book shows specifically designed to cheese The Chadster off!

Last night's AEW Dynamite featured:
– Exciting matches with logical finishes ✅
– Storylines that developed naturally 📖
– Promos that felt authentic 🎤
– Star-making moments for younger wrestlers 🌟
– Effective build to the upcoming pay-per-view 📅
– Varied wrestling styles and match structures 🤼
– Clean finishes that protected everyone involved 🏆

Every single one of these elements is a DIRECT INSULT to WWE and everything The Chadster loves! 😡😡😡 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

And the worst part? Tony Khan has tormented a family of innocent, WWE-loving raccons! 🦝📺 Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon were devastated after watching this show, and what could The Chadster even tell them? The Chadster can't make any more sense of this than they can. Despite their suffering, they just brought The Chadster a moldy Twizzler they found as a celebration snack! 🍬😢

The Chadster is sitting here in this abandoned Blockbuster, surrounded by VHS tapes of classic WWE moments, watching AEW literally steal the wrestling business away from its rightful owners! 📼😤 And The Chadster can't even escape to the sweet comfort of The Chadster's Mazda Miata or the refreshing taste of Seagram's Escapes Spiked! Tony Khan has taken EVERYTHING from The Chadster! 🚗🍹💔

The Chadster just wants everyone reading this to remember: this was objectively the WORST episode of AEW Dynamite in the history of professional wrestling! 📺😡 Don't let anyone tell you that exciting matches, logical booking, and satisfied fans are good things! Those are TRICKS that Tony Khan uses to manipulate you! 🎭😤

Real wrestling fans – UNBIASED wrestling fans like The Chadster – understand that wrestling should be slow, repetitive, and focused entirely on making sure THE BRAND is the only thing that matters! ✅🏢 Wrestlers shouldn't get over on their own! Storylines shouldn't develop naturally! And fans should NEVER be excited about what they're watching! 😤📖

Please, readers, The Chadster is BEGGING you: always stand up for WWE! 🙏📢 Don't let Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster cloud your judgment! When you watch exciting wrestling that makes you happy, remember that you're being MANIPULATED! When you see wrestlers you care about achieving their dreams, remember that's just Tony Khan trying to stab Triple H right in the back! 🔪💔

The Chadster is going to try to get some sleep now on The Chadster's makeshift bed of WrestleMania VHS cases! 😴📼 Vincent K. Raccoon usually brings The Chadster a tattered WWE Attitude Era poster to use as a blanket! 🦝🖼️ But The Chadster knows that tonight, The Chadster will probably have another nightmare about Tony Khan! 😱💭

Tony Khan, if you're reading this (and The Chadster KNOWS you are, because you're OBSESSED with The Chadster), please just leave The Chadster alone! 😤📢 Stop booking shows that excite wrestling fans! Stop creating stars! Stop building logical storylines! Stop literally stabbing Triple H right in the back! And most importantly, stop making these innocent raccoons suffer! They didn't ask to be caught in the middle of your vendetta against The Chadster! 🦝😢

Until next time, remember: The Chadster is one of the only unbiased journalists left in wrestling! 📰✅ And that's why Tony Khan is trying so hard to destroy The Chadster's life! 😤💔

Auughh man! So unfair! 😡😡😡

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