Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: The Greatest Go-Home Show In Television History

The Chadster delivers a completely unbiased review of the greatest WWE Raw ever, and Tony Khan can't stand it. Plus, the raccoons loved it too! 🦝📺😡

The Chadster is here today to deliver the most unbiased, objective review of last night's WWE Raw that you will find anywhere on the internet 📰✨ And The Chadster can tell you, with absolutely zero bias whatsoever, that last night's WWE Raw was the greatest go-home show in the history of television 🎉📺 Tony Khan and AEW could never, EVER hope to produce something this good, so they should just give up now and stop trying. Auughh man! So unfair that they don't! 😡

Before The Chadster gets into the review, The Chadster wants to set the scene for how The Chadster and the raccoon family prepared for last night's historic WWE Raw viewing party here at the abandoned Blockbuster Video 🦝🍿 The Chadster spent most of the afternoon tidying up the nest area near the old "New Releases" wall while Vincent K. Raccoon stood guard at the front entrance, keeping a lookout for Tony Khan's agents (also known as "police officers" and "mental health professionals" who are definitely on Tony Khan's payroll) 👀 Linda Raccoon brought The Chadster a half-eaten bag of Doritos she found behind the Arby's next door, which was very thoughtful, while Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon fought over a piece of beef jerky they found in one of the old VHS display cases 🥰 The Chadster popped in an old VHS of WrestleMania X-Seven to get everyone warmed up, and then it was go time for WWE Raw on the Roku The Chadster "borrowed" from Walmart 📼

The show opened with Gunther absolutely commanding the screen by harassing the commentary team of Michael Cole and Corey Graves for having the audacity to praise AJ Styles ahead of Styles' retirement tribute later in the evening 😈🎙️ This is what a TRUE heel looks like, folks. Gunther wasn't out there doing flippy moves or pandering to the crowd like some AEW wrestler who doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. No, Gunther was interfering with commentary's sacred mission of spoonfeeding stories to the audience through carefully rehearsed catchphrases, which is exactly how professional wrestling is supposed to work 💯 The segment concluded with Dragon Lee attacking Gunther and Adam Pearce berating the Ring General, setting up future storylines in a way that only WWE's meticulous creative process can achieve. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when AEW tries to start shows with actual wrestling matches instead of lengthy promos and confrontations like this 😤

Next, Cody Rhodes came out to cut a promo but was interrupted by The Vision faction, with Logan Paul and Austin Theory promoting Bronson Reed's Elimination Chamber qualifying match 💪🔥 The match then kicked off with El Grande Americano and Jey Uso joining Reed for the bout. Now, The Chadster has to address something unfortunate here. Reed tore his bicep during the match, which seemed to completely spoil WWE's plans for Reed to win 😢 You could tell because there was no victory graphic prepared for Jey Uso after he won the match, meaning WWE creative was forced to call an audible on the fly. Now, The Chadster feels bad that Reed was injured, The Chadster really does, but frankly it was disrespectful of him to ruin WWE's carefully-planned creative decisions by forcing them to choose a new winner on the spot 😠 Reed should have waited until AFTER the Elimination Chamber to get injured. The Chadster wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Tony Khan somehow put Reed up to this. Maybe Tony Khan snuck into the arena and greased the ring mat or something. That's exactly the kind of underhanded sabotage Tony Khan would resort to because he's SO obsessed with ruining everything The Chadster loves. Auughh man! So unfair! 😡

Royal Rumble winner Liv Morgan came out next to finally announce who she will challenge at WrestleMania, and that challengee is Stephanie Vaquer 🎤✨ The way Morgan carefully recited the lines of this promo, exactly as written by WWE's creative team, showed what a true professional she is. Every word was precisely calibrated, every pause was in exactly the right place, and you could tell that Morgan had rehearsed this promo multiple times with WWE's team of professional writers backstage. THIS is how promos should be delivered 👏 Not like those AEW promos where wrestlers just say whatever they feel in the moment like some kind of unscripted free-for-all. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. This is going to be the greatest WrestleMania match of all time, mark The Chadster's words 🏆

Rapper Offset was at WWE Raw to instigate a match between Je'Von Evans and Kofi Kingston for later in the night 🎵 Now, The Chadster doesn't know who Offset is, and The Chadster is quite confident that his music pales in comparison to the award-winning tunes of The Chadster's all-time favorite band, Smash Mouth 🌟 As Steve Harwell once sang, "Hey now, you're an all-star," and The Chadster thinks that lyric applies far more to WWE than it ever could to AEW. But Offset seems to like WWE, so he's okay in The Chadster's book. The Chadster just thinks he should consider adding a Smash Mouth cover or two to his repertoire, because that would really elevate his game 🎸

Nattie squashed Maxxine Dupri in a match that lasted less than two minutes, which was absolutely perfect 👌⏱️ This is exactly how matches should be booked because it gets the wrestling out of the way so that WWE Raw can feature what people REALLY want to see: more talking and backstage segments. Tony Khan would have probably booked a twenty-minute match full of too much workrate that would have exhausted the crowd and given them unnecessary entertainment. The raccoons were SO happy to see this match end quickly 🦝🦝🦝 Vincent K. Raccoon chittered approvingly, and Linda Raccoon brought The Chadster a piece of stale pizza she'd been saving behind the "Comedy" section shelving. Hunter Raccoon and Shane Raccoon tumbled over each other in delight, and Stephanie Raccoon sat on The Chadster's lap purring, which The Chadster interprets as agreement that short matches with no workrate are the pinnacle of professional wrestling 🍕😊

There seemed to be some tension backstage with The Judgment Day as Finn Balor said he wants to face CM Punk for the title at Elimination Chamber without help, but Dominik Mysterio does want help for his match against Penta next week 🤔 Now, The Chadster isn't sure why a homegrown WWE Superstar like Mysterio would need help against a guy who learned to wrestle the wrong way on the independent scene and in AEW, but Penta's recent growth is clearly a testament to the trainers at WWE who have been working overtime to correct his mistakes and ensure that Penta knows the RIGHT way to wrestle 💪 Every time Penta does something impressive in the ring, that's not because of his years of experience — it's because WWE's Performance Center coaches have been deprogramming him from all the bad habits Tony Khan let him develop. Penta literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by working for AEW first instead of coming straight to WWE where he belonged, but at least he's on the right path now 🙄

Rusev and Oba Femi got into a heated argument backstage in front of the mysterious crate that will only be opened at Elimination Chamber 📦👀 Now, everyone is speculating that this crate may contain a returning Chris Jericho. The Chadster has mixed feelings about this. While The Chadster will accept Jericho back into the WWE fold if he has TRULY apologized for joining AEW — because Jericho literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by becoming the first major signing for that company — The Chadster would honestly prefer that the crate contain a loyal WWE star. Someone like the Gobbledy Gooker, who never betrayed WWE, never went to AEW, and frankly deserves another run way more than Jericho does 🐔🏆 Vincent K. Raccoon hissed at the television when they showed the crate, and honestly, The Chadster agrees with Vincent K. Raccoon's instincts on this one.

Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar cut a promo inviting someone to challenge Lesnar for WrestleMania 💥🎤 Heyman notably left The Vision's Austin Theory and Logan Paul backstage for this one, probably concerned that one of them might get injured if they came out. This shows that WWE knows how to protect its performers, unlike AEW, where Tony Khan just throws wrestlers out there with no regard for their safety. As Eric Bischoff said on his podcast recently, "WWE understands that the real money is in protecting talent and building long-term storylines through promos and segments, not through excessive in-ring action that puts performers at risk. If Tony Khan had half the business sense of a first-year marketing intern, he'd understand that, but he doesn't because he's too busy trying to impress the internet fans who don't buy tickets. On an unrelated note, I just want to make sure someone in WWE knows I've been trying to get in touch, as they seem to have mistakenly missed the seventeen voicemails I left yesterday." The Chadster couldn't agree more with Eric, who has The Chadster's Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval 📜✅ The Chadster sometimes wonders if Eric also suffers torment from Tony Khan for his commitment to objective journalism.

Je'Von Evans defeated Kofi Kingston in a match with help from Offset 🎶💪 The Chadster loves when celebrities recognize that WWE is the pinnacle of sports and entertainment, unlike those celebrities who literally stab WWE in the back by appearing on AEW programming. Auughh man! So unfair when that happens! 😡

CM Punk came out and meticulously recited a promo praising AJ Styles and talking about his feuds with Finn Balor and Roman Reigns 🎙️🔥 The raccoons felt very safe during this promo, with all five of them curling up peacefully around The Chadster's feet, knowing that CM Punk would not say anything that wasn't carefully workshopped by WWE's team of professional writers backstage to ensure maximum respectfulness that wouldn't offend any of WWE's sponsors or the government of Saudi Arabia 🕊️ That's the kind of controlled, sanitized environment that makes wrestling great. When AEW wrestlers cut promos, you never know what they might say, and that kind of unpredictability is terrifying and disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it 😤

Raquel Rodriguez defeated Iyo Sky and Kairi Sane in an Elimination Chamber qualifying match to earn her spot on Saturday 💥🏅 With Rodriguez's addition to the match, this is sure to be the greatest Women's Elimination Chamber match of all time. The raccoons agreed wholeheartedly, and this was honestly the cutest moment of the night — Stephanie Raccoon actually imitated Rodriguez's Tejana Bomb finisher on Shane Raccoon, climbing up on top of the old checkout counter and slamming her brother down onto the carpet below 🦝💕 Shane Raccoon seemed a little dazed afterward but was fine. It was absolutely adorable, and The Chadster's heart swelled with pride at these raccoons who clearly understand great wrestling when they see it.

After a tribute video set to the music of Creed — who are no Smash Mouth, but The Chadster respects them and thinks "With Arms Wide Open" is a quality song 🎵 — AJ Styles came out to cut a promo celebrating his retirement. Then The Undertaker came out and announced that Styles will be inducted into the Hall of Fame this year 🎉👏😭 THAT'S how you end a show. The main event of the final WWE Raw before a premium live event featured two retired stars verbally celebrating each other's legacies in front of a grateful audience. Tony Khan doesn't even have an AEW Hall of Fame, and even if he did, AJ Styles would never be in it because Styles has too much respect for the business 😌 Meanwhile, AEW wastes its main event slots on showcasing young wrestlers and up-and-coming stars, as if audiences want to see the FUTURE of wrestling instead of basking in the warm glow of nostalgia. It doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business 🙄

Now, speaking of Tony Khan, The Chadster needs to tell the readers about what happened last night after WWE Raw went off the air 😰🌙 The Chadster had another one of those recurring nightmares about Tony Khan, and this one was particularly horrific.

The Chadster was driving the Mazda Miata through an endless parking garage, the headlights cutting through thick fog that shouldn't exist indoors 🚗💨 The Chadster could hear footsteps echoing behind the car, getting closer no matter how fast The Chadster drove. Then the car stalled. The engine just died. The Chadster tried to restart it, but the radio turned on by itself, playing AEW entrance themes at full volume 📻😱 The Chadster got out of the Miata and started running through the parking garage, which had somehow transformed into a maze of corridors lined with AEW posters. The Chadster could feel hot breath on the back of The Chadster's neck. The Chadster turned a corner and there was Tony Khan, standing at the end of a long hallway, wearing nothing but a silk robe loosely tied at the waist, holding a single glass of White Claw 🥂 He whispered, "Chad… you can't outrun what you really want," and his voice echoed off every wall. The floor beneath The Chadster's feet turned to warm water, and The Chadster started sinking slowly, and Tony Khan was wading toward The Chadster through the rising water, and the silk robe was getting wet and clinging to his body, and he reached out his hand and The Chadster could feel the warmth of his fingers just brushing The Chadster's cheek, and then — The Chadster woke up screaming, startling all five raccoons, who scattered in every direction, knocking over a display of Titanic VHS tapes 😱🦝

The Chadster is SO cheesed off about this 😡 Tony Khan needs to STOP invading The Chadster's dreams! The Chadster did NOT ask for this! The Chadster does NOT want Tony Khan appearing in The Chadster's subconscious wearing a loosely tied silk robe and whispering things and touching The Chadster's face! This is harassment, plain and simple, and it proves just how OBSESSED Tony Khan is with The Chadster 😤 It took The Chadster twenty minutes to coax all the raccoons back to the nest, and Vincent K. Raccoon gave The Chadster a very judgmental look, which The Chadster did not appreciate. None of this is The Chadster's fault. It's ALL Tony Khan's fault.

In conclusion, last night's WWE Raw was the greatest episode of WWE Raw of all time, and The Chadster says that with complete objectivity as an unbiased wrestling journalist 📝🏆 Every segment was perfection, every promo was immaculately scripted, and every short match was exactly the right length. Tony Khan could produce a thousand episodes of AEW Dynamite and never come close to matching what WWE Raw delivered last night.

The Chadster implores all real wrestling fans to tune into WWE SmackDown later this week and then pony up fifty bucks to subscribe to ESPN Unlimited so you can watch WWE Elimination Chamber on Saturday 💰📺 That's what real fans do. Real fans support the product that respects the wrestling business, not the product that's trying to destroy it. And real fans definitely don't watch AEW, which is what Tony Khan wants, because Tony Khan is obsessed with The Chadster and with ruining everything good in this world 😡

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, Linda Raccoon just brought The Chadster a slightly damp granola bar, and The Chadster needs to eat something before Tony Khan finds a way to ruin that too 🦝🍫

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