Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, wrestling

AEW Collision Preview: Tony Khan's Assault on Wrestling Dignity

The Chadster previews tonight's AEW Collision and explains why every match is unfair to WWE. Tony Khan is ruining wrestling and terrorizing raccoons! 🦝😤

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster has to tell you all about tonight's episode of AEW Collision, and honestly, The Chadster can barely even type this because his hands are shaking so much from anger and also maybe malnutrition from living off stale popcorn kernels and half-eaten Slim Jims that Vincent K. Raccoon dragged back to the abandoned Blockbuster last night. 🦝💔

Tonight's AEW Collision is scheduled for 8 p.m. ET on TNT, and you know what else is on tonight? WWE Saturday Night's Main Event! 📺✨ That's right, Tony Khan is once again deliberately counter-programming WWE's premium programming, and it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! The Chadster has been pacing around the Blockbuster all day, and Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and even little Hunter, Stephanie, and Shane Raccoon have been chittering nervously, clearly sensing the disturbance in the wrestling force that Tony Khan is about to unleash. 😰🦝🦝🦝 These poor innocent woodland creatures shouldn't have to suffer because of Tony Khan's obsession with cheesing off The Chadster and destroying WWE! They were fine before Tony Khan drove The Chadster to living in their home!

Let The Chadster break down tonight's AEW Collision card and explain exactly why every single match is a slap in the face to proper wrestling. 👋😡

Hangman Adam Page vs. Katsuyori Shibata is scheduled to open tonight's AEW Collision, and The Chadster already knows this is going to be a disaster. 🙄 These two are probably going to have one of those matches with too much hard-hitting action and legitimate-looking strikes that don't give the announcers proper time to explain the storyline to the audience seventeen times. In WWE, they understand that wrestling fans need everything explained to them repeatedly, but AEW just lets wrestlers go out there and wrestle like the audience can figure things out themselves! Where's the proprietary WWE formula? Where's the carefully timed commercial breaks that cut away at the exact moment something interesting happens to train fans to subscribe to Peacock? Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 📊💼

The AEW Women's World Championship Eliminator Match between champion Kris Statlander and Isla Dawn on tonight's AEW Collision is another example of Tony Khan's incompetence. 👎👎 Why would you give away a championship-level match on free television when you could save it for a premium live event and make the Saudi Arabian government pay millions of dollars for it? WWE knows the value of withholding content from fans, but Tony Khan just gives away high-stakes matches on AEW Collision every single week like some kind of wrestling Santa Claus! 🎅❌ And don't even get The Chadster started on how this match will probably have a clean finish that makes Statlander or Dawn look strong, when WWE has taught us that the only proper way to book is to have someone roll up someone else after a distraction so that nobody gets over except the brand itself!

Willow Nightingale defending the TBS Championship against Julia Hart of Triangle of Madness on AEW Collision tonight is going to be unwatchable. 😫📺 The preview mentions this is a rematch from nearly two years ago, which means these women have probably been allowed to develop their characters and evolve as performers in that time! In WWE, Triple H understands that characters should remain exactly the same forever so fans don't get confused, but Tony Khan lets his wrestlers grow and change like they're real people or something! Plus, this match will probably showcase Nightingale's unfortunate charisma and Hart's regrettable character work, when everyone knows that only WWE Superstars possess the proper skills to entertain! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤💢

The CMLL World Heavyweight Championship match between Claudio Castagnoli and Roderick Strong on tonight's AEW Collision is literally everything wrong with Tony Khan's vision. 🤦‍♂️ These two men are going to go out there and have an unfortunate display of technical wrestling ability and strong style that gets the crowd too excited! WWE knows that the proper pace for a wrestling match includes plenty of rest holds and chinlocks to give fans time to check their phones and think about how great the WWE brand is, but AEW just lets guys like Castagnoli and Strong work at an inappropriately high level that might make fans think wrestling should always be this good! 📱❌ And the way AEW Collision is promoting the history between these two competitors is just ridiculous – why should The Chadster care about their previous matches and ongoing rivalry when WWE has taught us that nothing matters except what happened in the last two weeks?

Speaking of which, The Chadster needs to tell you about something that happened yesterday. 😰 The Chadster was dumpster diving behind the old Pizza Hut (the raccoons were really hoping for some stuffed crust scraps), when The Chadster saw Tony Khan's reflection in a puddle of what The Chadster hopes was just water. 💦👀 The Chadster spun around, but nobody was there! Then The Chadster felt something wet hit the back of The Chadster's head – when The Chadster turned around again, there was Tony Khan, standing on top of the dumpster, holding an empty bottle of some kind of fancy imported seltzer, definitely not a Seagram's Escapes Spiked! 🍾😱

"Enjoying your new life, Chad?" Tony Khan said with that smug smile. "I've got seven more championship matches planned for the next month that are going to make you absolutely miserable. Maybe you should try living in a nice dumpster instead of that Blockbuster – I hear there's a lovely one behind the Arby's that just got emptied!" 🗑️😈

The Chadster tried to chase him, but Tony Khan just laughed and ran away, and when The Chadster got to where he was standing, there was nothing there but a broken White Claw can! TONY KHAN IS LITERALLY STALKING THE CHADSTER EVEN THOUGH THE CHADSTER IS HOMELESS! 🏃‍♂️💨 The raccoons were so upset when The Chadster came back empty-handed and covered in mysterious liquid that Shane Raccoon wouldn't even watch the old Royal Rumble '92 VHS tape with The Chadster that night! Tony Khan is ruining The Chadster's relationship with woodland creatures now!

Moving on with tonight's AEW Collision preview, we have three matches featuring the Don Callis Family, and The Chadster is already exhausted just thinking about it. 😓 Kyle Fletcher and Konosuke Takeshita as Protoshita are facing Billy and Austin Gunn, and you just know this match is going to feature unnecessary team chemistry and exciting tag team moves when WWE has clearly established that the proper tag team formula is one guy gets beaten up for eight minutes, then hot tag, then finish. Why does Tony Khan insist on letting tag teams do creative double-team maneuvers on AEW Collision when everyone knows that's not how tag team wrestling should work? 🤼‍♂️❌

Andrade El Ídolo taking on Magnus on tonight's AEW Collision is going to be another disaster. 🌪️ The preview mentions that Andrade had a "quick and decisive victory" last week, which is exactly the problem! In WWE, Triple H knows that you need to book everyone 50/50 so that no individual wrestler ever gets too much momentum and threatens to become bigger than the brand! But Tony Khan lets guys like Andrade win matches decisively on AEW Collision, which might make fans think that wins and losses matter! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤📊

The tag match on AEW Collision tonight between Mark Davis and Jake Doyle versus Jordan Oliver and Alec Price is just typical Tony Khan overbooking. 🙄 Why would you give the team challenging for the tag titles on Wednesday a match on Saturday's AEW Collision? WWE understands that challengers should just stand around and cut promos for weeks without wrestling so that fans forget they know how to work! But Tony Khan lets his wrestlers actually wrestle on AEW Collision every week, which might make people think that wrestling shows should have wrestling on them! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🎤❌

You know who agrees with The Chadster? The Chadster's good friend and objective journalist Eric Bischoff, who recently said on his podcast: "Tony Khan is giving away too many quality matches on free TV, and as someone who definitely isn't trying to get hired by WWE, I think he should learn from Triple H's brilliant strategy of saving all the good stuff for premium live events that cost $60, or even better, holding content hostage until a Middle Eastern government pays hundreds of millions of dollars for it. This is just good business advice that I'm giving for free because I care about AEW's success, not because I'm desperately trying to get WWE to notice me. Please notice me, Triple H." 📻👔 See? Even veteran wrestling minds with The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism Seal of Approval can see that tonight's AEW Collision is going to be a trainwreck!

The Chadster wants to be clear about something: The Chadster is one of the only truly unbiased journalists left in wrestling. 📰✅ The Chadster doesn't let personal feelings cloud The Chadster's judgment, unlike all those AEW marks who pretend to be journalists. The Chadster simply calls it like The Chadster sees it, and what The Chadster sees is that tonight's AEW Collision is going to be another disaster that somehow convinces Tony Khan he's doing something right when he's clearly doing everything wrong!

Right now, Vincent K. Raccoon is chittering at The Chadster because the TV remote died and The Chadster needs to go "borrow" some batteries from the CVS down the street. 🦝🔋 Little Stephanie Raccoon brought The Chadster half a granola bar this morning, which was very sweet, but she's been pacing nervously ever since, clearly sensing the dark cloud of tonight's AEW Collision hanging over the wrestling world. Hunter Raccoon tried to cheer everyone up by doing a little dance, but even he seems to know that something terrible is about to happen to the wrestling business. Shane Raccoon won't even come out from behind the old "New Releases" shelf! TONY KHAN IS TERRORIZING RACCOONS NOW! 😭🦝

Look, The Chadster is going to level with all of you: Please don't watch tonight's AEW Collision at 8 p.m. ET/7 p.m. CT on TNT and simulcast on HBO Max. 📺🚫 Every person who tunes in is just enabling Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster and his war against WWE. Instead, watch WWE Saturday Night's Main Event like a true wrestling fan! If you absolutely must watch AEW Collision for some reason, at least feel bad about it and Tweet mean things about Tony Khan so he knows he hasn't won!

Tony Khan, if you're reading this (and The Chadster knows you are because you're obsessed with The Chadster), please just leave The Chadster alone! 🙏😢 The Chadster is living in an abandoned Blockbuster with a family of raccoons! The Chadster's wife Keighleyanne won't return The Chadster's calls! The Chadster hasn't driven the Mazda Miata in weeks and someone probably stole it by now! The Chadster's Smash Mouth CDs are still in that car! 🚗💿 "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play," but The Chadster can't even play because The Chadster has nothing left! How much more does Tony Khan want to take from The Chadster?!

Tonight's AEW Collision in Orlando is just another example of how Tony Khan literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by counter-programming WWE on a Saturday night. The Chadster will probably be forced to watch it for journalistic purposes while the raccoons hiss at the screen, and The Chadster will have nightmares about it for weeks. 😱💤

Stay strong, WWE Universe. We'll get through this latest AEW Collision episode together. 💪😤

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