Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from a secure room in the basement of the U.S. Capitol Building where I have been crawling through the heating vents dispatching pro-Trump terrorists like a more handsome Bruce Willis in Die Hard while trying to watch AEW Dark on my iPhone. It's nothing new to El Presidente. For me, a coup attempt is just another Wednesday! Haw haw haw haw!
Bleeding Cool asked me today, "Your Excellency, we need a report on AEW Dark, but things are kind of crazy at the moment because the President of the United States has urged his supporters into an armed uprising in Washington DC. Would you do it?"
I told them I was a little busy, but then I remembered my sacred duty as a wrestling journalist and so I agreed. Though I do have to question why you are even reading this article. Rednecks, virgins, and neo-nazis are trying to take control of your country as we speak and you want to know who won YouTube matches from AEW? That is some hardcore dedication. Well, okay. If you insist.
Here's what happened on AEW Dark this week:
Jungle Boy beat Nick Comoroto in the first match, but the big news was Jungle Boy's new AEW theme song, Tarzan Boy by Baltimora, which Tony Khan revealed yesterday he purchased the rights to. Nyla Rose squashed Alex Gracia in the second match of the night as AEW continues to build Rose back up. Scorpio Sky beat Ariel Levy in a short match. After that, Brodie Lee's son, -1, interrupted a promo by Marko Stunt and it looks like maybe they are starting a feud. Rey Fenix beat "Bayley's Boyfriend" Aaron Solow, in a pretty good fourth match. Brandon Cutler beat Louie Valle in the fifth match. In the sixth match, "Pretty" Peter Avalon beat Angel Fashion. Ivelisse and Diamante beat KiLynn King and Tesha Price in a tag team match next. In the eighth match, The Gunn Club beat Mike Verna and Bear Country. In the ninth match, Shanna beat Vipress. In the tenth match, Matt Sydal beat Baron Black, who is not, to El Presidente's knowledge, a real baron. In match number eleven, Thunder Rosa continued her comeback by beating Ashley Vox. The Acclaimed beat Lee Johnson and Shawn Dean in the twelfth match. In the thirteenth match, Danny Limelight beat Fuego Del Sol. Frankie Kazarian won a four-way match against Angelico, Griff Garrison, and Darius Martin in the fourteenth match of the night. Sammy Guevara beat Michael Nakazawa in the fifteenth match and then issues an open challenge to anyone on AEW Dark to face him next. Finally, in the main event, Alan Angels beat Serpentico and then -1 came out one more time with the Dark Order to cut a promo and insult Luther's physical appearance.
So there you go. Do you feel better now? You can also watch this episode of AEW Dark here. Bleeding Cool's regular, wordy recap of AEW Dark will return next week, that is, unless rioters seize control of the media. Until next time, my friends: stay safe.