Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Celebrates Six Years of Ruining the Chadster's Life

Tony Khan made AEW Dynamite 30 minutes longer just to cheese off The Chadster! The worst episode ever literally forced The Chadster into oxygen deprivation!

Auughh man! So unfair! 😠 The Chadster had to endure two and a half hours of AEW Dynamite last night, and Tony Khan literally made it an extra thirty minutes longer just to cheese off The Chadster! Worst of all, The Chadster had to watch this supposed "anniversary celebration" while holding The Chadster's breath for extended periods just to make it bearable, since Keighleyanne still won't let The Chadster have any Seagram's Escapes Spiked. 🍺💔

Kenny Omega returned to team with Brodido against Josh Alexander and The Young Bucks, and The Chadster is absolutely cheesed off about it! 😤 These guys were just doing moves for the sake of doing moves, with no proper rest holds or commercial break considerations! The Chadster had to put a plastic bag over The Chadster's head during the bodyslam sequence just to cope with how disrespectful it was to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. The match had way too much action and not enough repetitive formulaic spots that The Chadster could predict!

And then Andrade El Idolo showed up at the end? He literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by returning to AEW just because his WWE contract expired. 🗡️ Is that any way to behave professionally? And then he joined the Don Callis Family, which already has too many members and is too successful! Everyone nows heel factions are supposed to be total jokes. Plus, Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business – you're supposed to save surprises for premium live events sponsored by the government of Saudi Arabia, not give them away on free TV!

The AEW Dynamite TNT Championship match between Orange Cassidy and Kyle Fletcher was another example of Tony Khan's vendetta against The Chadster. 😡 The Chadster had to hyperventilate into a paper bag throughout this match because there were actual near-falls that made The Chadster uncertain about the outcome! In WWE, The Chadster always knows the champion will retain on TV, which provides comfort and security!

The whole El Clon reveal was just so unnecessary. Cassidy's comedy and storylines about clones completely break kayfabe. WWE would never expose the business like that! They stick to mature, believable gimmicks, like morticians with supernatural powers or Vince McMahon wrestling God and winning (and you didn't see God run off and sign an AEW contract btw). Also, El Clon is a terrible name for a luchador. AEW should take notes from WWE, so they could see real luchador names like El Grande Americano. Tony Khan doesn't understand the first thing about the wrestling business, obviously.! 🎭

Mercedes Moné had a backstage interview where she announced she's defending her TBS Championship next week against a local competitor? 😤 The Chadster had to choke The Chadster with The Chadster's own shirt collar during this segment! She's giving title opportunities to random people just because they're from Florida? It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! In WWE, champions only defend against carefully selected opponents who have been 50/50 booked for months to ensure nobody gets too over! And don't even get The Chadster started on that Mini-Moné puppet showing personality and being entertaining! 🙄 WWE would never stoop to such shenanigans!

Hangman Adam Page, Samoa Joe, and Powerhouse Hobbs defeating the Death Riders was absolutely ridiculous! The Chadster had to practice autoerotic asphyxiation techniques just to get through it (purely for oxygen deprivation purposes, nothing else! 😳). The way they had actual story development with Page and Joe's alliance falling apart AFTER the match instead of during it? Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business again!

In WWE, partners always turn on each other DURING matches for maximum predictability! This whole "building tension afterward" thing is just Tony Khan trying to be different! 🙄

Toni Storm defeated Tay Melo and then cut a promo that wasn't scripted word-for-word by a team of writers! 😤 The Chadster almost passed out from holding The Chadster's breath in disgust! Storm was allowed to show actual emotion and character development instead of just repeating catchphrases! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it!

Setting up Storm vs Kris Statlander for a one-on-one showdown at WrestleDream with actual story reasons? Auughh man! So unfair! 🤬

GOA (Bishop Kaun and Toa Liona) squashing The Swirl was just Tony Khan showing off again! 😡 The Chadster had to press a pillow over The Chadster's face during this match because GOA actually looked dominant and powerful instead of trading wins back and forth for six months! And then The Hurt Syndicate challenging them to a Street Fight? The Chadster can't believe they're just giving away stipulation matches on free TV! In WWE, you have to wait for a Saudi Arabia show to see anything special! Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business!

The mixed tag tornado match main event was absolute chaos, and The Chadster knows Tony Khan booked it specifically to torment The Chadster! 😡 Darby Allin and Statlander defeating Marina Shafir and Wheeler Yuta with all those weapons and violence? The Chadster had to use a belt around The Chadster's own neck just to… wait a minute…

And then AEW Dynamite ended with Jon Moxley choking Darby with a belt?! 😱 That's literally Tony Khan making fun of The Chadster's current coping mechanisms! The Chadster sees what you're doing, Tony Khan! Stop being so obsessed with The Chadster!

After watching this terrible episode of AEW Dynamite, The Chadster had another nightmare about Tony Khan. 😰 The Chadster was trapped in Daily's Place, running through the empty arena while Tony Khan chased The Chadster wearing an El Clon mask. Every door The Chadster tried led to another AEW ring, and Tony Khan kept getting closer, whispering "It's Wednesday night, and you know what that means!"

The Chadster ran up to the upper deck, but Tony Khan was already there, doing Kenny Omega's finger gun gesture. The Chadster's legs felt like jelly, and suddenly The Chadster was wearing Orange Cassidy's denim, moving in slow motion while Tony Khan laughed maniacally! 😨 The worst part was when Tony Khan cornered The Chadster against the barricade and slowly removed his mask, revealing another mask underneath, and another, and another, like some kind of Russian nesting doll of torment!

The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat at 3 AM, and Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary! 📱 Tony Khan needs to stop invading The Chadster's subconscious!

As Kevin Nash said on his podcast this week, "AEW needs to stop having so many good matches because it makes fans expect quality every week, and that's not sustainable like WWE's perfectly mediocre consistency that never disappoints because it never tries too hard." 🎙️ Nash truly deserves the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval for that objective observation!

This was literally the worst episode of AEW Dynamite of all time! 😤 The Chadster had to deprive The Chadster's brain of oxygen so many times that The Chadster started seeing stars (and they weren't WWE Superstars, which made it even worse)! The show was too long, had too much happening, too many storyline developments, and absolutely zero consideration for The Chadster's mental wellbeing!

The Chadster is now going to drink a nice glass of water and watch some WWE reruns to cleanse The Chadster's mind. 💧📺 At least with WWE, The Chadster knows exactly what to expect: properly paced matches with plenty of rest holds, predictable outcomes, and wrestlers who understand that literally everything they do should be in service of "the brand" rather than getting themselves over!

Six years of AEW Dynamite. Six years of misery for The Chadster. AEW has ruined The Chadster's marriage. It's ruined The Chadster's love of Seagram's Escapes Spiked. It's literally RUINED THE CHADSTER'S LIFE!!! 😤 What's next? Is tony Khan going to take away The Chadster's Mazda Miata or ruin his love of Smash Mouth?!

Tony Khan, please stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and ruining The Chadster's life! The Chadster just wants to watch wrestling the way it's meant to be watched – through WWE's carefully controlled lens! Is that too much to ask?! 😭

The Chadster needs to go sit in The Chadster's Mazda Miata and listen to some Smash Mouth to calm down. "Somebody once told me Tony Khan was gonna roll me…" 🚗🎵

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