Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Preview: Your Guide to Watching Sober Tonight

The Chadster previews tonight's AEW Dynamite featuring Hangman vs Wheeler Yuta as Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster reaches new heights! So unfair!

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 The Chadster can't believe that Tony Khan is at it again with another episode of AEW Dynamite tonight on TBS. As if The Chadster hasn't suffered enough already! To make matters worse, Keighleyanne still refuses to restore The Chadster's alcohol privileges or return the keys to The Chadster's Mazda Miata after The Chadster threw a few (okay, seventeen) cans of Seagram's Escapes Spiked at the television during AEW All In: Texas a few weeks ago. 🚗💔

The Chadster is pretty sure Keighleyanne and that guy Gary are in cahoots with Tony Khan to make watching AEW Dynamite even more painful than normal. The Chadster continues to suffer severe seltzer withdrawal, and it's all Tony Khan's fault! If he would just stop booking shows that cheese The Chadster off, none of this would have happened! 😭

Tonight's AEW Dynamite emanates from Chicago, and The Chadster already knows it's going to be a disaster. First up, we have Hangman Adam Page defending his AEW World Championship against Wheeler Yuta. This match is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤 The Chadster can already tell this will be one of those fast-paced matches with way too much action that doesn't leave proper time for commercial breaks or for the announcers to repeat their catchphrases. In WWE, champions know how to work a proper match with plenty of rest holds to keep the crowd from getting too excited. But no, AEW Dynamite has to go and give fans exactly what they want to see!

Then we have Toni Storm vs. Billie Starkz in an AEW Women's World Championship Eliminator Match on AEW Dynamite. The Chadster is already dreading this because it will probably have an unpredictable ending that leaves viewers feeling unsafe because they can't predict everything that's going to happen. WWE knows that fans want comfort and predictability, not surprises! Plus, having important championship implications happen on free TV instead of saving them for premium live events (preferably ones paid for by the government of Saudi Arabia) just shows that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 💸

As renowned wrestling journalist Bully Ray said on Busted Open Radio this week, "AEW needs to stop giving away championship opportunities on free TV. WWE understands that you need to make fans wait months for any meaningful progression, preferably with lots of distraction finishes and 50/50 booking to ensure the brand stays strong. Tony Khan could learn a thing or two about protecting his investment instead of just giving fans what they want all the time." The Chadster couldn't agree more with this completely unbiased take that definitely isn't just Bully Ray trying to stay in WWE's good graces! 🎯

The worst part about tonight's AEW Dynamite is that The Chadster knows the commentators will speak like real people having actual conversations instead of shouting catchphrases and corporate buzzwords every thirty seconds. How are fans supposed to know when to cheer if Excalibur isn't telling them "It's Boss Time!" or reminding them about the WWE Universe every five minutes? It's just so confusing! 😵

Speaking of which, The Chadster had another terrible nightmare featuring Tony Khan last night, and The Chadster is convinced he's using subliminal messages in AEW Dynamite programming to torment The Chadster for The Chadster's commitment to objective journalism! 😱

In the dream, The Chadster was at a Smash Mouth concert (because where else would The Chadster want to be in his dreams), singing along to "All Star" when suddenly the stage transformed into an AEW Dynamite ring. Tony Khan emerged from underneath, his eyes glowing red like some kind of wrestling demon. "Hey now, you're not a Superstar," he whispered, which is NOT how the lyrics go! The Chadster tried to run, but the arena morphed into an endless maze of AEW merchandise stands.

Tony Khan chased The Chadster through aisles of Young Bucks t-shirts and Orange Cassidy sunglasses, cackling maniacally. Every turn The Chadster made led to another AEW Dynamite banner. The Chadster could feel Tony's hot breath on The Chadster's neck as he whispered, "Watch Dynamite… 8/7 Central… on TBS and MAX…" The Chadster's legs felt like they were moving through molasses, that familiar dream sensation of being unable to escape.

Just when Tony Khan was about to catch The Chadster, The Chadster stumbled into what looked like a safe room, only to find it was Tony Khan's office, wallpapered with pictures of The Chadster's face with the eyes cut out! Tony Khan materialized behind The Chadster, running his fingers through The Chadster's hair. "You complete me, Chad," he breathed into The Chadster's ear. The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, and Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes when The Chadster tried to explain! 🥵

Tony Khan needs to stop invading The Chadster's peaceful slumber! The Chadster demands that he cease this obsession immediately!

The Chadster warns all readers NOT to tune into AEW Dynamite tonight at 8/7C on TBS and simulcast on MAX because it will only embolden Tony Khan to continue his reign of terror against The Chadster and everything good about professional wrestling. Don't let him win! WWE is the only wrestling company that matters, and The Chadster will continue to provide unbiased journalism to prove it! 💪

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

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