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AEW Dynamite Recap – Darby Allin Defends the TNT Championship

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from Lindsay Graham's colon. That's right, I have used a shrink ray to transform myself into El Pequeño Presidente and infiltrated the Senator from South Carolina's body by donning my presidential scuba gear and hiding underneath an ice cube in a Mint Julep. But enough about how I'm spending my evening. Haw haw haw haw! I am here to tell you what's happening on AEW Dynamite tonight, a special episode known as New Years Smash Night 2.

AEW Dynamite Recap for January 13th, 2021

Jim Ross, Tony Schiavone, and Excalibur are on commentary as usual tonight.

Eddie Kingston vs. Pac

After some hubbub about Eddie Kingston and Pac's feud, Dynamite's first match gets underway, with Death Triangle and the Butcher, the Blade, and the Bunny all at ringside. It is interesting to realize that this episode was filmed last week and is airing tonight. It's sort of like time travel. Back in the day when I was running a dictatorship, I ordered my ministry of science to create a time machine so that El Presidente could become a time-traveling adventurer. But they were always telling me, "Your Excellency, time travel is simply not possible," so I had them all executed by firing squad. Speaking of executions, these guys are really beating the shit out of each other! Haw haw haw! Pac pins Eddie with the Red Arrow.

Winner: Pac
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Pac puts Kingston in the Brutalizer after the match until everyone jumps in the ring. Then Lance Archer comes out to clear out the heels, get into a verbal spat with Pac, and leave. But at least we got to see Jake "The Snake" Roberts.

Chuck Taylor vs. Miro

Haw haw haw haw! Comrades! The stipulation for this match is that if Chuck Taylor loses, he has to be Miro's young boy until after Kip Sabian and Penelope Ford's wedding. That's exactly how I met my protege, Nicolas! Anyway, Orange Cassidy backs up Tayor at ringside, since Trent is out with a torn pec. Ha! I once tore my pec right in the middle of something, but I still finished the entire coup I was attempting. Taylor doesn't last long here. Miro makes him tap out to the Accolade.

Winner: Miro
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Interview: Matt Hardy and Private Party

Dasha interviews Matt Hardy and Private Party, but it but quickly breaks down into a business argument. Marq Quen calls Hardy a money-grubbing carny for taking a 30% cut as their manager. Hardy tells them to shut up and do what they're told. This is what happens when you get involved in capitalism, comrades. A sad lesson for us all.

Inner Circle New Years Resolutions

The Inner Circle gives a presentation on their plans for 2021, but it quickly becomes a referendum on who should be the official tag team of the Inner Circle and go for the belts. Highlights are Sammy calling Jericho a tag team slut and Jericho making a Sammy Hagar joke that no one else gets because he's old. The bottom line is that Jericho and MJF will face Santana and Ortiz and Sammy and Jake Hager in a triple threat to decide who's the best tag team.

You know, Chris Jericho sent El Presidente an invitation to join the Inner Circle back when he was just starting up, but I turned him down. El Presidente works alone. And if Chris Jericho isn't careful, he may soon be too, as there are a lot of cracks in the Inner Circle's alliance.

Interview: Dark Order

Alex Marvez interviews the Dark Order. Evil Uno says that everything they will do from now on will be in Brodie Lee's name. Next week, they will team with Hangman Page in a match and after that, Page will reveal if he will join the Dark Order.

Varsity Blondes and Danny Limelight vs. "The Elite"

Don Callis convinces the Young Bucks to do their own entrance instead of coming out with Kenny Omega. But after Calis and Omega get to the ring, Callis dismisses Justin Roberts to introduce Kenny Omega's best friends… the Good Brothers. Kenny Omega has dissed the Young Bucks! Comrades, if somebody did that to me, they would die like dogs. So the Good Brothers take the Young Bucks' place in the match and Karl Anderson pins Limelight after a Magic Killer.

Winners: "The Elite"
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Jon Moxley's music hits right after the match and Moxley, despite being outnumbered, enters the ring and attacks. It doesn't go well for him, but the Lucha Bros come out to even the odds. The AEW Dark roster runs out to try to break things up but Moxley won't stop. The Young Bucks run out and try to reason with Moxley, but get superkicked by the Lucha Bros. The Good Brothers attack again. Omega and Callis sneak away. The part after the match was better than the match, comrades!

The Waiting Room

Graduating from AEW Dark, The Waiting Room is a talk show hosted by Britt Baker, with Rebel as the Ed McMahon to her Johnny Carson. Britt tells the audience to look under their chairs for a gift, but she is just trolling them. Haw haw haw haw! I did that to the legislature one time, and then when they looked back up, I had them all arrested and executed! Haw haw haw haw!

Britt brings out her first guest, Cody Rhodes, but then she brings out a surprise guest, Jade Cargill. Cargill gets in Cody's face and says it's good he got Brandi pregnant so she doesn't have to fight Cargill. Red Velvet comes out and they brawl. The entire AEW Women's locker room comes out to break it up.

As the chaos is happening, a clip of Baker attacking Thunder Rosa plays on the Tony Khantron and then Thunder Rosa appears via Skype. Rosa says that Baker will have to face her at Beach Break on the February 3rd episode of Dynamite. Baker is not happy, but there's already a graphic for it and everything, so it's locked in.

Jurassic Express vs. FTR

Jurassic Express come out with Jungle Boy's new theme song: Tarzan Boy by Baltimora. You probably know it as the song that goes "Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh." You'll know it when you hear it, comrades. Word is that Tony Khan bought the rights to this song for Jungle Boy. Isn't that nice? I did the same thing for my protege, Nicolas, back in the day, but it was for his favorite song, Hit Me Baby One More Time by Britney Spears. He still uses that song to make an entrance at cabinet meetings and authoritarian rallies. Anyway, Marko Stunt wrestles this match instead of Luchasaurus because FTR made fun of him last week. And also so that he can eat the pin from the Big Rig.

Winners: FTR
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Tay Conti vs. Serena Deeb – NWA Championship Match

The Dark Order walks Tay Conti out to the stage and Anna Jay accompanies her to ringside. So the NWA Champion, who is actually contracted to AEW, once again defends that title on Dynamite. Will she drop the belt to another wrestler contracted to AEW? Of course not! Conti does the job.

Winner: Serena Deeb
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Anna Jay lends her emotional support to Tay Conti after the match. This is such a beautiful friendship, comrades.

Brian Cage vs. Darby Allin – TNT Championship Match

Main event time, comrades. And not a moment too soon, either! I am pretty sure Lindsay Graham is about to pass me, and I need to get my grappling hook ready so I can escape the bowl before he flushes. Hopefully, this match doesn't take too long! Haw haw haw haw!

All of Team Taz is here. Darby Allin is alone. Darby Allin and Brian Cage are a match made in heaven. Darby Allin loves pain and is willing to take the stupidest bumps, and Brian Cage is a musclebound meathead with the willingness and ability to toss him over the ropes, five feet past the ring, and through the timekeeper's table. The whole match consists basically of spots like that  But Allin does manage to hit a Coffin Drop on Cage on the steel steps outside the ring, which gives him an opportunity at a comeback with just a couple of minutes left in the match. Allin packs an entire's match's worth of offense into the last minute, but Ricky Starks interferes. That may have cost him the match, except Sting shows up with a bat and beats Starks with it. Allin hits a crucifix bomb off the ropes and pins Cage.

Winner: Darby Allin
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Sting stands guard over Darby Allin as Team Taz retreats. Sting's love for Darby Allin, which is a lot like my love for my little buddy, Nicolas, is the most touching friendship in wrestling today. Dynamite goes off the air on that node.

Tonight's episode of Dynamite was very enjoyable, comrades! I made sure to evenly distribute the ratings for this match. In the socialist utopia of El Presidente's vision, every wrestling match is rated two-and-half stars! Uh oh! I gotta go, amigos! Until next time: socialism or death! Wheeeeee!

A note from your El Presidente:

Comrades, the capitalist swine who run Bleeding Cool have insisted I include keyword-rich boilerplate text along with all of my articles to achieve something called "maximum search engine optimization." One day, they shall die like dogs, but until then, El Presidente will play their game:

AEW Dynamite airs weekly on TNT on Wednesdays at 8PM, going head to head with rival WWE NXT in the Wednesday Night Ratings Wars. AEW bills itself as a pro wrestling made by wrestlers for wrestling fans and has shaken up the industry by scoring big ratings and becoming the first viable competitor to WWE in decades. Bleeding Cool's expert pro wrestling "journalism" team provides weekly recaps and analysis of AEW's weekly TV shows as well as live coverage of quarterly PPV events and nonstop obsession over the Wednesday Night Ratings Wars.

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