Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Review: Close the Forbidden Door Before It's Too Late

The Chadster reviews the worst AEW Dynamite ever! Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster reaches new lows with unpredictable booking and exciting matches! 😤🍦

The Chadster just watched what has to be the absolute worst episode of AEW Dynamite in the history of professional wrestling, and The Chadster is so cheesed off right now! 🤬😡💢 Tony Khan clearly booked this entire episode of AEW Dynamite specifically to torment The Chadster, and it's just so unfair! 😤🙄 The Chadster had to pause multiple times to covertly insert another frozen Seagram's Escapes Spiked popsicle (since Keighleyanne won't let The Chadster drink them normally anymore after the All In incident 😒🚫🍻), and let The Chadster tell you, brain freeze is nothing compared to the pain of watching this show! 🧊😵‍💫

MJF and Hangman Adam Page opened AEW Dynamite with an unscripted promo segment that went way too long without a single commercial break! 😠📺💸 These two just talked and talked, building tension and telling a story that actually made sense if you pay attention to it – it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 🤼‍♂️👎 Where were the repeated catchphrases? Where was the authority figure interrupting to make a match? Where was all the telling, not showing?! 🗣️❌ Auughh man! So unfair! 😫

And then MJF actually executed his contract at the end of the show for a title match at Forbidden Door and attacked Hangman in the parking lot? 🏆🚗💥 The Chadster had to shove another Seagram's popsicle you-know-where just to cope with how unpredictable that was! 🍦😳 WWE would never make viewers feel so unsafe by having things happen without warning! 🛡️⚠️

But it wasn't just the storytelling that cheesed The Chadster off just so badly during AEW Dynamite. 😤🧀 Jon Moxley wrestled Kevin Knight in a match that was way too fast-paced and exciting! 🏃‍♂️💨⚡ They literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by having a match with actual wrestling moves instead of proper rest holds! 😤🔪🤼‍♂️ And then Will Ospreay returned to make the save? 🦸‍♂️✨ The crowd went crazy, which is exactly the problem – wrestling shouldn't make people that excited! 🎉👏😡

The Chadster's prostate is still frozen from the popsicle The Chadster had to use during this segment, but at least that numbed the mental pain of watching Ospreay challenge Moxley and the Death Riders for a Lights Out Steel Cage match that will probably have way too much violence and not enough slow, methodical storytelling! 🧊🍦💀⚔️ Making matters worse, later in the night, Ospreay announced that Hiroshi Tanahashi will join his team for the match at Forbidden Door so that it fits with the theme of the PPV, which really cheesed The Chadster off because if there's one thing The Chadster can't stand, it's coherence and consistency in wrestling. 🧀😤📝✅ Okay, those are two things, but do you want The Chadster to break out the full list? Because The Chadster has all day (and a freezer full of "popsicles"). 📋🕐🧊🍦

The six-woman tag match on AEW Dynamite featuring Alex Windsor, Queen Aminata, and Willow Nightingale against Mercedes Moné, Thekla, and Skye Blue was problematic because the wrestlers were given too much time to wrestle, which didn't leave enough time for multiple replays of the Page/MJF segement that kicked off the show! 😡⏰🤼‍♀️ Everyone knows that real wrestling is supposed to devote at least 50% of TV time to recaps of a promo that occurred earlier in the night. 📺🔄💯 Plus, Toni Storm and Athena brawling through the crowd created an unsafe environment where anything could happen! 👊🏟️⚠️ Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business – matches should last just long enough for the announcers to get in some good catchphrases and promote the brand before ending with a rollup finish! 🎤🏷️🤸‍♂️

Adam Copeland literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by having a comedy match with Stokely Hathaway that got the crowd involved! 😤🔪😂👥 And then Christian Cage made the save from an FTR beatdown and they hugged? 🤗💪 The Chadster had to pause to insert two popsicles at once because of how this long-term storytelling made The Chadster feel things! 🍦🍦😵‍💫💕 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 👎🤼‍♂️ This led to Tony Khan announcing that Cope and Christian will team up to face The Matriarchy at Forbidden Door, and The Chadster can't even. 🚪👥💀 The Chadster just can't even! 😫🙅‍♂️

The eight-man tag on AEW Dynamite with Brody King, Tomohiro Ishii, Hologram, and Hiromu Takahashi defeating The Young Bucks, Kyle Fletcher, and Josh Alexander had way too many exciting moves and not enough chinlocks! 🙄🤼‍♂️⚡🔒 The Chadster's sped to the freezer like a tuned up Mazda Miata in a street race to get more Seagram's popsicles during this match because this was way too much action for television! 🏎️💨🧊📺 Tony Khan must be really obsessed with The Chadster to be booking matches like this for the sole purpose of cheesing The Chadster off! 🧀😤🎯

Speaking of Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster, last night The Chadster had another one of those recurring nightmares. 😰🌙💭 The Chadster was in a giant freezer, surrounded by towers of frozen Seagram's Escapes Spiked popsicles. 🧊🏗️🍦 Tony Khan emerged from behind one of the towers, wearing nothing but a fur coat made entirely of White Claw labels. 🧥🏷️😳 "You can't escape me, Chad," he whispered, his breath forming clouds in the frozen air. 🗣️☁️❄️

The Chadster tried to run, but The Chadster's feet kept slipping on the icy floor. 🏃‍♂️🧊💦 Tony Khan glided toward The Chadster, somehow moving without walking, like he was floating. 👻✨🚶‍♂️ "Every popsicle you use is mine," he said, and suddenly all the Seagram's popsicles started melting, forming a sticky pool around The Chadster's feet. 🍦💧🦶 The liquid was warm, too warm, and it started rising up The Chadster's legs. 🌡️💦🦵 Tony Khan got closer and closer, and The Chadster could smell his cologne – it smelled like… victory? Success? 👃🏆✨ The Chadster doesn't know, but it made The Chadster feel things The Chadster doesn't want to admit! 😳💭❤️

Just as Tony Khan reached out to touch The Chadster's face with his soft, manicured hand, The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat. 👋😰💦 Why is Tony Khan so obsessed with invading The Chadster's dreams? 😴💭🚫 Leave The Chadster alone! 😭🙏

Samoa Joe returning with The Opps to beat La Faccion Ingobernable in the main event of AEW Dynamite was just another example of AEW having clean finishes that pop the crowd! 🎯👏✨ Where's the DQ? Where's the non-finish? 🚫🤷‍♂️ Auughh man! So unfair! 😫💢

And ending the show with MJF attacking Hangman in the parking lot (the Chadster discussed this earlier)? 🚗💥👊 That's pure pandering to create must-see television that makes people want to tune in next week! 📺👀📅 Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business – you're supposed to let the brand be the draw, like WWE expertly does! 🎯🏷️💡 People tune in for glossy production values and reliable formulas, not compelling stories and high-workrate in-ring action! ✨📋🤼‍♂️ Auughh man! 😤

As Kevin Nash said on his podcast this week, "AEW needs to stop having such good wrestling matches because it makes the fans expect too much. 🎤🤼‍♂️📈 Back in my day, we'd have one move and a hair flip, and that was enough for a five-star classic. 💇‍♂️⭐🏆 Tony Khan should really listen to people like that unbiased journalist Chad McMahon who understand the business." 💯📰🤓 See? Even Nash understands that The Chadster provides much-needed unbiased wrestling journalism! 📺✅

This episode of AEW Dynamite was literally the worst thing The Chadster has ever seen, and that includes the time Keighleyanne made The Chadster watch her and that guy Gary have a picnic in The Chadster's backyard while The Chadster had to stay inside! 😢🏠🧺👀 The Chadster is going to need to use an entire six-pack of Seagram's Escapes Spiked popsicles today while watching old WWE reruns just to forget this travesty happened! 🍦📦📺🤼‍♂️

Remember, true wrestling fans always stand up for WWE, like unbiased fans should! 🏆👏💪 Unlike Tony Khan and his obsession with The Chadster, The Chadster just wants what's best for the wrestling business – and that's for AEW to stop existing! 🚫💀 Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, The Chadster needs to go explain to Keighleyanne why there are so many popsicle sticks in the bathroom trash. 🗑️🍦🚽 She'll understand once The Chadster explains it's all Tony Khan's fault! 😤🤷‍♂️💯

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!