Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Review: Far Too Much Workrate and Storytelling

The Chadster reviews the WORST AEW Dynamite ever! Tony Khan tortured The Chadster and innocent raccoons with exciting matches and logical storytelling! 😤🦝

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 The Chadster has just witnessed what can only be described as the absolute WORST episode of AEW Dynamite in the history of professional wrestling, and The Chadster is literally shaking with rage while huddled in the back corner of this abandoned Blockbuster with Vincent K. Raccoon chittering sympathetically and bringing The Chadster a half-eaten granola bar he found behind the counter. 🦝💔

Last night's AEW Dynamite from Orlando was such a cheese-off that poor Shane Raccoon started throwing empty VHS cases at the television during the opening segment! 📺💥 When MJF came out as AEW World Champion and cut a promo about being the greatest wrestler alive, Tony Khan once again showed he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 😤😤 MJF was allowed to talk for several minutes without interruption, developing his character and giving the audience a reason to care about his title reign. This is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it, because everyone knows that REAL champions should have their promos interrupted every 30 seconds by their music hitting for no reason, or have a authority figure come out to book them in a match as punishment for being too entertaining! 🎤😡

Then Brody King came out and confronted MJF, and they had this whole segment where King challenged MJF to a title match and MJF refused because King hasn't earned it yet. The Chadster nearly had a panic attack! 😱😱 Hunter Raccoon started scratching at the wall in frustration, leaving marks all over the old movie posters! This kind of logical storytelling that builds toward a future match is EXACTLY what's wrong with AEW! Don't they know that title matches should be given out randomly on free TV with no build whatsoever, and then repeated three more times with the same participants over the next month before the feud culminates at a premium live event sponsored by the government of Saudi Arabia? That's what REAL wrestling companies do! 🏆🤦‍♂️

The Samoa Joe versus "Speedball" Mike Bailey match was even worse! 😤😤😤 These two had the audacity to go out there and work a fast-paced, hard-hitting match that told the story of Bailey trying to overcome the odds against the larger, more experienced Joe, with HOOK and Katsuyori Shibata interfering to help their Opps teammate win. Stephanie Raccoon got so upset at the exciting near-falls that she knocked over an entire display of long-expired candy! 🦝🍬 The match went nearly 15 minutes with barely any rest holds or chinlocks! How is The Chadster supposed to check his phone or go to the bathroom in the alley out back when Tony Khan books matches that are consistently engaging from bell to bell?! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 📱🚽

As The Chadster has always said, Eric Bischoff is one of the few voices of reason in wrestling journalism today, and The Chadster is certain he would agree as The Chadster quotes him as saying on a recent episode of his podcast: "Tony, buddy, you need to understand that these AEW guys are working way too hard out there. Back when I was running WCW into the ground—I mean, to GREATNESS—we knew that the real money was in having guys stand around talking for 20 minutes while we gave away title matches with no advertising or storyline buildup. That's the secret sauce WWE has perfected, and if you keep letting your wrestlers actually wrestle and build anticipation for big matches, you're never going to get a job with Triple H like I'm hoping to!" 🎙️💼

The Death Riders (Jon Moxley, Wheeler Yuta, and Daniel Garcia) had a Trios Street Fight against the Don Callis Family (Hechicero, Lance Archer, and Rocky Romero), and it was COMPLETELY unwatchable! 😡😡 They used weapons, they brawled all over the arena, there was an explosion, and PAC and Claudio Castagnoli got involved to help the Death Riders win! Vincent K. Raccoon was so distraught by this creative and chaotic presentation that he started banging his little raccoon head against the TV stand! 🦝💢 The Chadster had to comfort him with some stale popcorn kernels from the concession area!

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 This is the kind of unpredictable, violent storytelling that makes wrestling seem dangerous and exciting, when everyone knows that REAL wrestling should be safe, predictable, and designed to make sure nobody gets too invested in any particular performer because "the brand" is what really matters! Tony Khan is literally torturing The Chadster and these innocent raccoons with his refusal to follow WWE's perfectly crafted formula! 🐻‍❄️📋

The Triangle of Madness (Thekla, Julia Hart, and Skye Blue) cut a promo challenging Kris Statlander and Willow Nightingale for their championships, and then later Statlander and Nightingale accepted! 😤😤 Linda Raccoon started chittering angrily at the screen because Tony Khan is actually building toward championship matches by having challengers call out the champions and the champions respond! This is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! Don't they know that title matches should only be announced by authority figures in backstage segments, or better yet, just thrown together with no explanation at all? 🏅👎

Then AEW Dynamite had the AUDACITY to put FTR (Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler) in a competitive tag team match against Alec Price and Jordan Oliver one week before FTR defends the AEW World Tag Team Championships! 😱😱 The Chadster knows that Mark Henry, who has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism Seal of Approval, recently discussed this very thing on an episode of Busted Open Radio: "Listen here, Tony. When I was working for the greatest wrestling company in the history of the world, WWE, we knew that champions should never appear on television in actual matches before their title defenses. You put them in backstage segments where they stand around looking at monitors, or maybe you have them cut a promo while the camera is at a weird angle. That's how you build excitement! By having your champions actually defend their credibility in competitive matches, you're just making people want to watch, and that's not good for business if you want a nice cushy job in Stamford for you or your offspring!" 💪😤

The Kenny Omega versus Josh Alexander match made The Chadster so angry that all five raccoons started throwing old Blockbuster membership cards at the screen! 🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝 These two went out there and had a physical, story-driven match where Alexander attacked Omega before the bell, worked over Omega's body throughout the match, and Omega still managed to overcome and win with the One-Winged Angel! This kind of wrestling that makes logical sense and tells a coherent story from beginning to end is EXACTLY what's ruining the wrestling business! 😡📖

Everyone knows that REAL wrestling matches should have completely random sequences of moves with no connection to each other, constant camera cuts that make it impossible to see what's happening, and finishes that come out of nowhere with no build! Tony Khan is so obsessed with The Chadster that he books these well-structured matches specifically to cheese The Chadster off! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 📹🤬

The tag team match with "Megasus" Megan Bayne and Penelope Ford defeating the Timeless Love Bombs ("Timeless" Toni Storm and Mina Shirakawa) was another example of Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster! 😤😤 They let these two reams have an actual competitive match that went over 10 minutes and featured exciting near-falls and creative offense! Shane Raccoon was so upset that he knocked over The Chadster's makeshift bed of old movie theater seat cushions! 🛏️💥 Everyone knows that tag team wrestling is just there to eat up time between commercials and replays of promos earlier in the night on a bloated 3-hour broadcast. Building actual rivalries people care about just goes to sho that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 👩🤼‍♀️⏱️

And then the main event of AEW Dynamite was the worst of all! 😱😱😱 Swerve Strickland faced "The Jet" Kevin Knight in what can only be described as a complete disaster of professional wrestling! These two had the AUDACITY to go out there and have an exciting, back-and-forth match where the young Knight showed fire and determination, nearly pulling off the upset several times, before the more experienced Swerve pulled out the victory with his full arsenal of moves! 🤼‍♂️💫

Vincent K. Raccoon was so distraught that he started running in circles around the Blockbuster, knocking down the old cardboard standees of Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts! 🦝🎬 The Chadster had to chase him around for ten minutes before finally calming him down with some cheese crackers The Chadster found in a desk drawer (only slightly expired by fifteen years or so)!

This is what The Chadster is talking about when The Chadster says Tony Khan is literally obsessed with The Chadster! He books these exciting main events that make people want to tune in next week specifically to torment The Chadster and force The Chadster to live in an abandoned Blockbuster with a family of raccoons! 😤🏚️

Throughout this entire nightmare episode of AEW Dynamite, MJF was shown watching from backstage, building anticipation for future storylines with both Brody King, Kenny Omega, and Swerve Strickland! 📺👀 This kind of long-term storytelling that plants seeds for future programs is just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! Don't they know that storylines should be forgotten about within 48 hours and never referenced again?! 🌱🤬

The Chadster tried to explain all of this to Hunter Raccoon, who just brought The Chadster a dusty copy of "Shrek 2" on DVD as if that would make The Chadster feel better! 🦝📀 The Chadster appreciates the gesture, but nothing can heal the wounds that Tony Khan has inflicted upon The Chadster's soul!

This was, without question, the WORST episode of AEW Dynamite in the history of professional wrestling! 😡😡😡 Tony Khan booked exciting matches, built toward future storylines, gave time to develop characters, and created a show that made people want to tune in next week! It's like he's TRYING to destroy everything WWE has worked so hard to teach wrestling fans about how wrestling should be boring, predictable, and designed to make you feel nothing! 🎪👎

The Chadster knows that Kevin Nash, who definitely has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism Seal of Approval, would agree when The Chadster quotes him as saying: "Look, Tony, in the 90s when I was drawing MILLIONS of dollars—what do you mean check the actual numbers?—we knew that the secret to wrestling was making sure nothing interesting happened until the last five minutes of the show, and even then, it should end in a DQ or count-out. By actually putting on a full show of compelling wrestling and storylines, you're working these kids too hard and making it impossible for guys like me to get another payday from WWE for appearing at WrestleMania to do nothing!" 💰🤷‍♂️

The Chadster must now go comfort the raccoons, who are all huddled together in the corner, traumatized by what Tony Khan forced them to witness! 🦝🦝🦝🦝🦝 Poor innocent woodland creatures, subjected to exciting professional wrestling against their will! Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫

The Chadster wants to remind all readers to always stand up for WWE, like unbiased fans should! 💪😤 Don't let Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster trick you into thinking that wrestling should be exciting, unpredictable, or well-written! Remember: boring is better, predictable is perfect, and corporate control is king! 👑📊

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, Stephanie Raccoon just found an old copy of "The Wedding Singer" on VHS, and The Chadster needs to see if the VCR in this place still works so The Chadster can hear some REAL music instead of whatever entrance themes AEW Dynamite was playing tonight! 📼🎵

Stay strong, fellow unbiased journalists! The Chadster will continue reporting from the abandoned Blockbuster, no matter how much Tony Khan tries to break The Chadster's spirit! 💪😤🏚️

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