Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Review: Speedball Mike Bailey Disappoints Canada

El Presidente reviews AEW Dynamite from Winnipeg! Jericho returns, Ospreay nearly dies, MJF wins. More chaos than my last coup attempt!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker in Winnipeg (I won it in a poker game with Fidel Castro back in '87), and I have just witnessed AEW Dynamite in all its glorious Canadian chaos! If there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's that nothing says "sports entertainment" quite like contract signings that don't end in violence and matches that start with backstage keg attacks. Let me tell you, comrades, last night's AEW Dynamite from the Canada Life Centre had more twists than the time Kim Jong-un and I tried to assemble IKEA furniture together.

Chris Jericho Comes Home (Briefly)

Tony Schiavone was in the ring trying to conduct business when the pyro kept going off like my country's treasury alarm whenever the CIA tries to freeze my offshore accounts. Finally, Chris Jericho emerged to "Judas," and the Winnipeg crowd lost their collective minds! Jericho soaked it all in, declared "Winnipeg… AEW… I'm home!" and then immediately left without elaborating further. Comrades, this is exactly how I conduct cabinet meetings! Say something dramatic, let everyone wonder what it means, then disappear to count your money. Brilliant strategy! The people want more, and you give them just enough to keep them hungry. This is why Jericho and I would make excellent co-dictators.

Will Ospreay Declares War on Kegs Everywhere

Before his match with PAC, Will Ospreay decided that waiting until Dynasty to attack Jon Moxley was for capitalists and people with impulse control. Instead, he ambushed Moxley backstage and threw him into stacked kegs with the kind of enthusiasm I reserve for throwing CIA operatives out of helicopters. Wheeler Yuta tried to intervene and also got destroyed. Comrades, this is how you make a statement! Though I must say, wasting perfectly good beer kegs in a fight is almost as criminal as the time the CIA tried to replace my personal stash of rum with non-alcoholic substitutes. Almost.

The Contract Signing That Didn't Implode (Surprising!)

MJF and Kenny Omega actually managed to sign their contract for the AEW Dynamite World Championship match at Dynasty without physically attacking each other, which in professional wrestling is like me and the CIA agreeing on anything. MJF mocked Omega's diverticulitis, which is low even by dictator standards, comrades. Mike Bailey came out to keep Omega from breaking the no-contact stipulation, and somehow this led to Bailey getting a championship eliminator match for later in the show. This is the kind of economic policy I can respect—everyone gets opportunities, even if they come from preventing violence! The segment had tension, insults, and the promise of future violence. Perfect socialist redistribution of entertainment value!

Kenny Omega and Friends Defeat The Demand

Omega teamed with "Jungle" Jack Perry and Brody King to take on The Demand (Ricochet, Bishop Kaun, and Toa Liona). The match was everything you would expect from a trios bout featuring some of wrestling's finest athletes and one man carrying a championship belt he won in a blackjack battle royale. When Kaun tried to pass Perry's title belt to Ricochet for the typical "hit him with the belt" spot, Perry intercepted faster than I intercept IMF loan documents. Omega finished Ricochet with the V-Trigger and One-Winged Angel, proving once again that the hometown hero cannot be stopped, much like my approval ratings in state-run polls!

Willow Nightingale Issues an Open Challenge

Willow Nightingale announced she would defend her TBS Championship on the special Thursday edition of Collision via open challenge. Comrades, I respect this greatly! This is the kind of confident leadership I try to demonstrate when I declare my elections will be fair and open to all candidates (who agree with me completely). The people's champion offering opportunity to the masses? This is practically socialism in action!

Copeland and Cage Attack the Wrong People (Classic)

Adam Copeland and Christian Cage went hunting for FTR with chairs like they were CIA agents looking for my tax returns. Instead, they found Trent Beretta and Rocky Romero, who had the misfortune of being in what these two thought was FTR's locker room. After learning FTR would be on Collision, Copeland and Cage attacked them anyway and told them to deliver a message. Comrades, this is like when I bomb the wrong rebel stronghold but claim it was a warning to the actual rebels. Totally intentional! The beatdown was vicious, and the message was clear: chairs hurt, and these two don't care who they hit with them.

Will Ospreay Survives PAC's Brutality

PAC attacked Ospreay before the bell because waiting for referees is for people who follow rules, and PAC is clearly not one of those people. He targeted Ospreay's neck and upper body with the precision of a CIA drone strike (except these actually connected). Ospreay kept escaping the Brutalizer, which PAC applied more times than I've applied for UN humanitarian aid just to see them squirm. Eventually, Ospreay rolled through and got the pin, proving that heart and determination can overcome… well, being brutalized for fifteen minutes.

But wait, comrades! The Death Riders weren't done! PAC attacked again after the match, and Daniel Garcia, Yuta, and Claudio Castagnoli joined in. Claudio set up a chair to crush Ospreay's neck, but Moxley stopped it and warned Ospreay not to make things personal. Comrades, when Jon Moxley is the voice of reason telling people not to escalate, you know things have gotten out of hand! This is like when Muammar Gaddafi had to tell me I was being too extra at the dictator convention.

The Women Show How It's Done

Mina Shirakawa, Jamie Hayter, and Alex Windsor defeated Thekla, Skye Blue, and Julia Hart in a match that featured actual wrestling and not just backstage brawling (refreshing!). Thekla tried to use brass knuckles, which is something I can appreciate as a man who keeps an emergency pair in every room of the presidential palace. Windsor stopped her, and Hayter finished Hart with the Hayterade. The Brawling Birds and Shirakawa continue their quest for vengeance, and I am here for it! Women's wrestling continues to deliver on AEW Dynamite like my state media delivers positive news about me—consistently and with passion!

Darby Allin Gets His Dynasty Match

Darby Allin called out MJF and said he'd keep pushing until he won the title or "saw God," which is admirable dedication, comrades. I once told Che Guevara something similar about my pursuit of a perfect mojito recipe. Don Callis interrupted and revealed that if Darby beats Andrade at Dynasty, MJF will grant him a title shot. Also, MJF paid the Callis Family to take Darby out, which is exactly the kind of economic stimulus program I can support!

Brody King and Jack Perry cleared out the Family, and then Omega came back out to join commentary for the main event. The staredown between Omega and Darby was tense enough to power my country's electrical grid for a week!

MJF Defeats Speedball in the Main Event

The main event saw MJF defend his status as number one by defeating "Speedball" Mike Bailey in an eliminator match. MJF attacked before the bell because he learned from the best (me, obviously—I wrote a book on preemptive strikes called "Don't Wait for the Coup"). Bailey kept fighting back with the heart of a revolutionary and nearly won several times, but MJF hit a Tombstone on the apron and finished with the Heatseeker while staring at Omega on commentary.

Comrades, this finish was as devastating as finding out the CIA has been reading your diary! MJF continued attacking Bailey after the match until Omega chased him off, setting up their Dynasty confrontation perfectly. This is how you build to a championship match—with violence, disrespect, and the champion constantly staring at his challenger like I stare at the CIA agents outside my compound!

Final Thoughts from El Presidente

Comrades, last night's AEW Dynamite was packed tighter than my offshore bank accounts! From Jericho's cryptic return to Ospreay's keg destruction to MJF's villainous victory, this show delivered the goods. We got contract signings, backstage attacks, quality wrestling, and enough storytelling to fill a season of my favorite telenovela.

The road to Dynasty is heating up faster than international tensions when I "accidentally" nationalize another foreign company. With Omega vs. MJF, Ospreay vs. Moxley, and now Darby vs. Andrade all set, this pay-per-view promises to be spectacular!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go practice my own dramatic entrance and exit for my next public appearance. If it worked for Jericho, it'll work for El Presidente!

Until next time, comrades: solidarity forever, and long live AEW Dynamite!

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