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WWE SmackDown Review: An Electrifying Bologna Sandwich in Italy

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown from Bologna! Championship chaos, tournament violence, and The Miz gets electrocuted. Viva la lucha libre, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private viewing suite in the Unipol Arena in Bologna, Italy, where I have been graciously "asked" by Italian authorities to remain until certain "misunderstandings" about import tariffs on luxury yachts are cleared up! Last night's episode of WWE SmackDown was more explosive than the time I accidentally left my nuclear codes in the same briefcase as my shopping list, and let me tell you, the confusion at the weapons facility was legendary!

WWE SmackDown delivered the kind of drama that would make even my most theatrical cabinet purges look subtle, and I watched every moment with my dear Esteban, who has developed quite the appreciation for Italian television production values. He particularly enjoyed the pyrotechnics, though they did startle him into knocking over my Prosecco. A tragedy, but I digress!

Cody Rhodes, Gunther, and Sami Zayn Open With Championship Chaos

The show opened with Gunther doing what any self-respecting competitor would do after a controversial loss—demanding justice! You see, comrades, at Clash in Italy, Gunther's foot was under the rope during Cody Rhodes' pin, which technically should have broken the count. This reminds me of the time I won my fourth presidential election despite photographic evidence showing me clearly voting for my opponent as a "joke." The Electoral Commission ruled in my favor anyway because, well, they value their positions!

Cody, to his credit, acknowledged the controversy and offered a rematch. This is the kind of magnanimous gesture I have made myself, such as when I offered my former Chief of Staff a rematch for his position after I fired him. He declined, citing "fear for personal safety," but the offer stood! Then Sami Zayn interrupted to remind everyone that BOTH men had wronged him, and honestly, the man has a point. Nothing says "I deserve a title shot" like being caught in the middle of other people's drama. It's like when I attended a G20 summit and spent the entire time mediating a dispute between two dictators over who had the better military uniform. Exhausting!

The segment broke down into a beautiful brawl, with bodies flying everywhere. Nick Aldis later informed Cody that Gunther accepted the rematch but with a mystery stipulation to be revealed next week. Mystery stipulations are my favorite kind, comrades! It's like when the CIA sends me a letter that's 90% redacted—the suspense is delicious!

The Miz Gets Electrocuted in Danhausen's Laboratory

Speaking of delicious, nothing brought me more joy than watching The Miz and Kit Wilson stumble into Danhausen's laboratory backstage! Now, I know something about secret laboratories, comrades. I have at least three myself, and they're all labeled "Definitely Not Secret Research Facilities" to avoid suspicion. The key to any good lab is clear warning signs, which Danhausen provided, but Miz—being Miz—ignored all of them!

The capitalist pig Miz couldn't keep his hands to himself, touching everything like a child in a candy store or an international weapons inspector in my totally legitimate pharmaceutical plant. When he grabbed the high-voltage cable, I laughed so hard I nearly fell off my gold-plated chaise lounge! The man was shocked into unconsciousness while Danhausen casually found his sandwich and left. This is the kind of workplace safety violation that would make even my former Minister of Occupational Safety cringe, and that man once approved a coal mine with "optional" helmets!

Raquel Rodriguez Dominates Queen of the Ring Fatal 4-Way

The Queen of the Ring Tournament continued with a Fatal 4-Way featuring Raquel Rodriguez, Bayley, Kiana James, and Jacy Jayne. As I predicted yesterday, comrades, the chaos was magnificent! Four women, one opportunity, and enough backstabbing to make a revolutionary council meeting look cordial!

Raquel Rodriguez emerged victorious, which is exactly what happens when you combine power with opportunity. She reminds me of my former Minister of Agriculture, who could lift a tractor engine with her bare hands. Unfortunately, she used those hands to stage a coup attempt, but I respected the effort! The finish saw James distracted by confusion over whether Giulia or Jayne had caused a rope break, allowing Raquel to hit the Tejana Bomb for the victory. This is why you must always know who your true enemies are, comrades! Confusion leads to defeat, and defeat leads to extended vacations in remote work camps—I mean, "reassignment opportunities!"

Giulia Ends Her Alliance With Kiana James

The drama continued when James blamed Giulia for the loss and berated her publicly. This was James's first mistake. Her second mistake was continuing to talk. Giulia responded by attacking her former ally in a display of violence that would make my security forces nod approvingly!

You see, comrades, there comes a time in every partnership when you must ask yourself: "Is this relationship beneficial, or should I simply toss this person through a barber shop window?" Giulia chose violence, and honestly, I cannot fault her logic. I once had a similar falling out with a fellow dictator who accused me of stealing his idea for a solid gold bathroom. The subsequent diplomatic incident required UN intervention, three mediators, and a substantial bribe to the International Court of Justice!

Talla Tonga Defeats Royce Keys With Family Assistance

Talla Tonga faced Royce Keys in a match that demonstrated the importance of having family backup. Keys actually managed some impressive offense, knocking Talla down like a corrupt official who refuses a reasonable bribe. But Tama Tonga interfered behind the referee's back, striking Keys and allowing Talla to hit the Talla T-Bomb for the victory.

This is what I call "effective resource management," comrades! Why fight alone when you have family members willing to commit assault on your behalf? It's like when my cousin Eduardo helps me "win" at poker by signaling my opponents' cards. Is it cheating? Technically. Is it effective? Absolutely! The bourgeoisie call it "unfair advantage." I call it "utilizing available assets!"

Damian Priest Refuses to Help R-Truth Save Royce Keys

After the match, Solo Sikoa and his MFTs attacked Keys in a display of post-match violence that warmed my dictatorial heart! R-Truth tried to make the save despite not being medically cleared, which is the kind of foolish bravery I admire in theory but would never personally attempt. I have people for that!

But here's where it got interesting, comrades! Damian Priest came out and pulled Truth away, refusing to help Keys and leaving him to be destroyed! This is what we call "strategic neutrality," and it's a concept I pioneered during the Cold War when I played both sides against each other for foreign aid! Priest clearly has political ambitions, and abandoning Keys to his fate while "protecting" Truth is the kind of calculated move that would earn him a position in my cabinet. Probably Minister of Selective Intervention!

Rhea Ripley Faces Three Challengers at Once

Rhea Ripley came out to celebrate her successful title defense at Clash in Italy, only to be confronted by Charlotte Flair, Tiffany Stratton, and Jade Cargill—all demanding title opportunities! This is like when I held my annual State of the Nation address and three different revolutionary groups showed up demanding I step down. Awkward, but manageable!

Each woman made her case for why she deserved the next championship match, and I must say, they all had valid points. Charlotte has the legacy, Tiffany has the momentum, and Jade has the unfinished business. Nick Aldis solved this political crisis by making Charlotte and Tiffany team up against Jade and Michin, which is like when the United Nations forces two hostile nations to work together on a joint project. It never goes well, but it makes for excellent television!

Jade Cargill and Michin Defeat the Uneasy Alliance

As predicted, Charlotte and Tiffany struggled to coexist as partners, much like when I tried to form a coalition government with my political opponents. Spoiler alert: it lasted six days before I dissolved parliament and declared emergency powers!

Michin hit a Styles Clash on Charlotte—a move so devastating I once used the same principle when dropping my former Economics Minister from his position. Then Jade countered Tiffany's Prettiest Moonsault Ever and hit Jaded for the victory! The win gives Jade momentum going forward, and honestly, watching two alpha females fail to cooperate while their opponents succeeded is more satisfying than watching the CIA's latest coup attempt fail because their agents couldn't agree on which restaurant to meet at for planning!

Fatal Influence Attacks Paige and Brie Bella

Fatal Influence interrupted a photoshoot with Paige and Brie Bella, and after Jacy Jayne's earlier tournament loss, the group took out their frustrations with violence! They attacked both women and dropped the tag title belts on them, which is a clear message: "We want these championships!"

This reminds me of the time I crashed a magazine photoshoot featuring rival political candidates and declared myself the only acceptable cover model. The resulting scandal required me to purchase the magazine company, but my point was made! Fatal Influence understands that sometimes you cannot wait for opportunity—you must create it through aggressive intimidation and property damage!

Ricky Saints Defeats Carmelo Hayes by Cheating

Ricky Saints and Carmelo Hayes continued their heated rivalry, and Saints secured victory by grabbing Hayes's tights during a pin! Now, some of you bourgeoisie purists might call this "cheating," but I call it "aggressive rule interpretation!" It's like when I "interpreted" constitutional term limits as "merely suggestions" and awarded myself lifetime tenure!

Hayes nearly won several times, proving he has the skill to compete at the highest level. But Saints proved he has the cunning to win at any cost, which is far more valuable! I once told Nicolás Maduro that honor is for people who can afford to lose, and he agreed so enthusiastically that he immediately began his own aggressive rule interpretation program! Saints understands that victory is all that matters, and the history books—which I personally write and edit—will remember only the winner!

Lash Legend Defeats Chelsea Green

Lash Legend faced Chelsea Green, who competed without Tiffany Stratton's assistance since Stratton was busy being terrible at tag team wrestling earlier in the night. Nia Jax got involved at ringside, because apparently everyone on WWE SmackDown believes in the power of outside interference tonight!

Green fought back briefly, showing the spirit of a woman who refuses to accept defeat. I admire this quality, as I demonstrated it myself when the Organization of American States voted to condemn my government and I simply refused to acknowledge their authority! Legend reversed the Unprettier and hit the Lash Extension for the victory, proving that sometimes raw power overcomes clever tactics. It's why I maintain the largest military in my region despite having the smallest economy. Priorities, comrades!

Solo Sikoa Tries to Recruit Royce Keys

Backstage, Solo Sikoa tried to convince Royce Keys to join his group, pointing out that Keys had nobody left to watch his back and that Solo was the one who brought him to SmackDown. This is classic manipulation, comrades! I use the same technique when recruiting ministers: remind them they owe their position to you, isolate them from alternatives, then demand loyalty!

But Keys refused to be a follower, and Solo warned him to stop being difficult. This is where the recruitment pitch becomes a threat, which is when you know the relationship has potential! I once had a similar conversation with my Minister of Tourism, who insisted on "ethical practices" and "accounting transparency." I warned him to stop being difficult, he persisted, and now he enjoys a lovely villa in a country with no extradition treaty! The system works!

Chad Gable Apologizes to Rey Fenix

In a surprisingly touching moment, Chad Gable apologized to Rey Fenix for making a mockery of lucha libre culture while wrestling as El Grande Americano. Gable explained that wearing the mask made him understand the responsibility and tradition tied to it, and Fenix accepted the apology.

This is the kind of character growth that would never happen in my government because admitting fault is a sign of weakness that opposition forces exploit! But in wrestling, acknowledging your mistakes and showing respect for tradition is apparently valued. How refreshing! It reminds me of the time Fidel Castro apologized to me for "accidentally" sinking one of my luxury yachts during naval exercises. He replaced it with an even nicer one, and we moved forward as brothers in revolution! Perhaps there is something to this apology concept after all, though I will never personally attempt it!

Dominik Mysterio Advances in King of the Ring Tournament

The main event featured Dominik Mysterio, Damian Priest, Bron Breakker, and Trick Williams in a Fatal 4-Way that had more interference than a typical election in my country! All four men are champions, which made this match feel like a summit of world leaders—except with better choreography and fewer international sanctions!

Breakker and Williams eliminated each other, with Breakker sending Williams through the announce table in a display of violence that made Esteban hide behind the couch! Priest appeared ready to win, which would have been a clean victory for a talented performer. But JD McDonagh and Liv Morgan had other plans! Morgan hit Priest with a low blow—a tactic I have used metaphorically many times in political negotiations—allowing Dominik to hit the 619 and frog splash for the victory!

Dominik advances to face Oba Femi in the semifinals, and I must say, the young Mysterio has learned well from his father. Specifically, he learned that having allies willing to commit crimes on your behalf is the key to success! This is a lesson I teach in my Leadership Academy, located conveniently in my palace basement!

Comrades, last night's episode of WWE SmackDown from Bologna delivered everything I predicted and more! Championship drama, tournament advancement, surprise attacks, and enough interference to make even my rigged elections look legitimate! The workers of the squared circle continue to entertain us while the bourgeoisie capitalist pigs like Nick Khan count their money, but tonight, we witnessed the performers seizing their opportunities through any means necessary!

I watched the entire show with Esteban, who has developed strong opinions about Fatal 4-Way matches and believes they should be settled through democratic voting rather than violence. I told him this was a naïve perspective that would never work in professional wrestling or authoritarian governments, and he responded by eating an entire wheel of Parmigiano-Reggiano in protest. The capybara has principles, I must admit!

Next week on WWE SmackDown, we will learn Gunther's stipulation for his rematch with Cody Rhodes, and I suspect it will be something dramatic! Perhaps a Steel Cage match? A No Disqualification match? Or maybe Gunther will demand the match take place in his home country with judges he personally selects, which is what I do for all my legal proceedings!

Until next week, comrades, remember: professional wrestling teaches us that success comes to those who are willing to grab the tights, accept interference from allies, and never apologize unless it advances your storyline!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE SmackDown! And most importantly, ¡viva the workers who entertain us while we hide from international authorities in Italian arenas!

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