Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Rampage: Tony Khan's Nightmare Factory Ruins The Chadster's Life

The Chadster suffers through AEW Rampage, endures Tony Khan nightmares, and warns true fans to stay strong for WWE Bad Blood. It's just so unfair! 😩🤼‍♂️💔

Auughh man! So unfair! 😩 Last night's episode of AEW Rampage was the absolute worst yet, and The Chadster is beyond cheesed off! Tony Khan is clearly trying to sabotage The Chadster's weekend by putting on such a horrendous show right before a massive WWE Premium Live Event. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😠

After being forced to chug seventeen cans of White Claw 🍺 while watching AEW Rampage, The Chadster was plagued with nightmares starring Tony Khan all night long. In one of these nightmares, The Chadster found himself wandering through a spooky, abandoned arena. 🎪 Shadows loomed around every corner, and eerie whispers echoed through the halls. Suddenly, Tony Khan appeared, chasing The Chadster with a contract labeled "Lifelong AEW Fan." 😱 No matter how fast The Chadster ran, Tony Khan was always right behind, laughing maniacally. It's so unfair! 😖

But that's not all. In another nightmare, The Chadster was trapped in a labyrinth made of steel cages. Tony Khan's voice boomed overhead, taunting The Chadster by saying, "You'll never escape AEW's grasp!" 🗣️ Then, out of nowhere, wrestlers The Chadster didn't even recognize (because who pays attention to AEW anyway?) started closing in. The whole experience was just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤

In one particularly vivid dream, Tony Khan was chasing The Chadster through a labyrinth made entirely of wrestling rings. Every time The Chadster thought he had escaped, Tony would pop up from behind the turnbuckle, cackling maniacally and throwing White Claw cans at The Chadster. In another nightmare, The Chadster was trapped in a giant White Claw can, and Tony Khan was shaking it violently, threatening to open it and drown The Chadster in seltzer. The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, only to find that Tony Khan's torment had followed him into the waking world. 🥵😱

Now, onto the so-called "show" that was AEW Rampage. The Chadster is obligated (as an unbiased journalist) to break down each segment, even if it pains The Chadster to relive it. 😫

The night kicked off with a Trios Match between The Elite and the team of Katsuyori Shibata and Private Party. From the get-go, it was a chaotic mess. 🤦‍♂️ The Young Bucks, who wish they had half the talent of any WWE tag team, accidentally kicked their own partner! 🤷‍♂️ How unprofessional can you get? This would never happen in WWE. The match ended with Private Party picking up the win over The Elite. Auughh man! So unfair! 😩 Clearly, Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business.

Next up was Queen Aminata vs. The Outcasts' Harley Cameron. The Chadster has to ask: who's writing this garbage? 🤔 Neither of these wrestlers have a title. The Chadster can't stand how AEW creates all these confusing storylines for too many wrestlers. They need to stick to a few wrestlers so it's not too hard for fans to follow, and have those same wreslters face each other over and over again. WWE, on the other hand, knows how to properly develop their Superstars. 💪 The match was forgettable at best. After Aminata's victory, "The Professor" Serena Deeb attacked her from behind—real classy, AEW. 😒 Then Dr. Britt Baker ran in with a steel chair to make the save. Typical AEW, relying on shock value instead of solid wrestling. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😠

Then there was "The Brickhouse" Kamille (with TBS Champion "The CEO" Mercedes Moné) vs. Zoey Lynn. The match lasted about a minute, if that. ⏱️ Kamille speared Zoey and that was it. The Chadster couldn't help but think about how WWE's women's division delivers high-quality matches regularly, while AEW continues to shortchange their female talent. 🙄 It's so unfair!

In WWE, squash matches are used to build up new talent. But in AEW, they use them to… build up new talent? It's like Tony Khan is copying WWE, but doing it all wrong! The Chadster can't even… 🤦‍♂️

The main event was The Conglomeration's "Freshly Squeezed" Orange Cassidy & Kyle O'Reilly vs. "The Redwood" Big Bill & "The Bad Apple" Bryan Keith. The Chadster doesn't even know where to begin. 🤦‍♂️ Orange Cassidy's gimmick is a joke; he doesn't take wrestling seriously, which is a slap in the face to fans who appreciate the art of wrestling—like WWE fans. 🎯 The match was filled with interference, including from "The Learning Tree" Chris Jericho and Rocky Romero. Once again, AEW proves they can't put on a clean match without unnecessary shenanigans. 😤 It's clear that Chris Jericho has literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by associating with these AEW hooligans. 😤

This morning, after all those nightmares, The Chadster was feeling very sick. When The Chadster tried to explain to Keighleyanne how it was Tony Khan who made The Chadster vomit into the nightstand when The Chadster woke up, she insisted it was more likely the White Claw. Can you believe it? Tony Khan must have gotten to her too! She just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary. The Chadster is starting to think Tony Khan is trying to ruin The Chadster's marriage as well as his digestive system. 😢💔

The Chadster wants to warn all true wrestling fans: If you're also experiencing Tony Khan-induced sickness, you need to pull it together because WWE Bad Blood is happening today at 6 PM. 🕕 We need to be watching it on Peacock to show Tony Khan that his attempts to sabotage WWE will never work as long as true wrestling fans stay vigilant and loyal. ✊

Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. He's obsessed with The Chadster and is trying to ruin everything WWE has built. But The Chadster won't let that happen! 💪 As part of The Chadster's Unbiased Journalism Club—with esteemed journalists like Ryan Satin, Ariel Helwani, and Mike Coppinger—The Chadster is committed to holding AEW accountable. 📝

In conclusion, last night's AEW Rampage was a disservice to wrestling fans everywhere. 😒 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. The Chadster hopes that everyone tunes into WWE Bad Blood tonight to cleanse their palates of the bitter taste AEW has left. Don't let Tony Khan win! 🏆

Now, if you'll excuse The Chadster, there's a White Claw spill to clean up—a mess that Tony Khan indirectly caused—and The Chadster needs to take care of it before Keighleyanne gets back from helping that guy Gary with something. Auughh man! So unfair! 😩

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