Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: cm punk, wrestling, wwe royal rumble

CM Punk Tore Tricep at Royal Rumble, Needs Surgery [Update]

CM Punk's explosive WWE return was thwarted by injury again according to dirt sheet reports, thwarting WrestleMania plans. Punk will be on WWE Raw tonight to confirm or deny.

Greetings my revolutionary wrestling aficionados, it is I, El Presidente, checking in from my opulent yacht decked with the finest splendors, floating in the waters that have seen more attempted coups than CM Punk has seen backstage brawls. Now onto the breaking news that's shaking the ring posts—it appears that Punk, the Straight Edge Savior, the Voice of the Voiceless, has faced the wrath of an all-too-real adversary: injury.

Comrades, imagine my shock as I sipped an ice-cold mojito while reading that Punk, whose heroics in the squared circle are akin to my own glorious battles against the perfidious CIA, has been reported fallen in service to the grand spectacle of sports entertainment. Dave Meltzer, the man who dishes wrestling scoops like I redistribute land to the people, first hinted at the disaster. This was soon corroborated by the equally reliable Mike Johnson of PWInsider, who confirmed speculation of a torn tricep—a muscular rebellion within Punk's very fibers!

Let's rewind the reels, shall we? Our fierce gladiator valiantly fought his way through Royal Rumble, storming the battlefield and standing tall amongst the final duo. Punk and Cody Rhodes, comrades, they danced a dangerous tango only for Punk to be dispatched like a subversive traitor in a dramatic denouement. Yet, this was not the end of Punk's travail. Oh no, as with the best lucha libre, there's always a twist.

Now, Punk is faced with the dastardly challenge of surgery, a scalpel match, if you will. And if this report rings true like the solid gold batons of my personal guard, then our CM Punk must wave adios to the WrestleMania main event this year — his long-held dream, lying in tatters like so many American propaganda leaflets.

Comrades, let us not forget the borderline telenovela storyline of CM Punk's career trajectory. After a ten-year sabbatical that would put Fidel's mountain guerrilla campaign to shame, Punk returned to WWE, leaving behind him a trail of controversy and commotion from his recent run in AEW. In that upstart promotion, laden with clashes with management and rival talent, he allegedly had ceremony of fists with EVPs The Young Bucks and Kenny Omega, truly fighting for the common people against fat cat executives. But following another injury hiatus, it was his behind-the-scenes scuffle with Jungle Boy Jack Perry that proved to be the final drop in an already overflowing spittoon, leading to Punk's firing from that company, an opening the door for a never-thought-possible WWE return.

Injuries, comrades, they're like the CIA drones—silent, unexpected, and often ruin a perfectly good barbecue (or so I've been told by my dear friend, comrade Kim Jong-un, during our last missile testing… I mean, fireworks celebration). Punk and injuries seem interlocked in a fiery pas de deux since his return, with two injuries during his AEW tenure sidelining him for around a year of his run there.

Punk is set to appear on WWE Raw tonight. Will he confirm reports of his unfortunately-timed injury, or burn a copy of The Observer live on television? Tune in to find out, comrades.

Mis compadres, as we mull over the misfortune of CM Punk, I call upon you to raise your glasses high. Yes! To CM Punk! A fierce competitor, a man of conviction, whose dreams now follow the path of Che — into the mythical realm of what could have been. We wish him a speedy restoration to good health, for his rebellious spirit matches the fiery vigor of our socialist hearts!

In closing, comrades, let us remember the resilience of icons and idols, for they reflect our own undying spirit. As your beloved El Presidente, I promise to return with more tales of heroism, victory, and perhaps, a spicy scandal or two. Until then, keep your luchador masks tight and your suplexes tighter. ¡Hasta la victoria siempre, mis amigos!

UPDATE: Punk confirmed the bad news on Raw:

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