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Dynamite Recap: Sting Bumps! Plus: Gender Reveals! And: Barbed Wire?

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, writing this report for you from from the afterparty for Rush Limbaugh's funeral. Everyone is having a great time here, comrades. Haw haw haw haw! But what I'm really here for is you, my loyal subje– er, readers, and so I must recap this week's episode of AEW Dynamite.

AEW Dynamite Recap

Hangman Page and Matt Hardy vs. The Hybrid2

Dynamite gets right to the action with Hangman Page and Big Money Matt Hardy vs. The Hybrid2. It is very generous of The Hybrid2 to be willing to serve as props in a zany comedy angle between Hangman Page and Big Money Matt. Of course, The Hybrid2 would not need to debase themselves in this way just to earn a living if the wrestling world would adopt a socialist system, comrades.  Alas… Hardy gets the pin in this one.

Winners: Page and Hardy
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Hardy cuts a promo after the match, extolling the virtues of capitalism and talking about how much money he will make from his new deal with Page. Page reveals that he switched the contracts last week. Now the contract is official, Page wants to reveal what it really said.

The Jacksonville Jaguars mascot comes to the ring with the contract. Hardy reads it and learns the contract is for a match between Page and Hardy at Revolution. If Hardy loses, Page gets 100% of his earnings for 2021 Q1. Yes, comrades! Redistribute the wealth! Unfortunately, Hardy talks Page into putting his own earnings on the line as well. No, Hangman!

The jaguar attacks Hardy from behind. It's Isiah Kassidy. Hardy offers money to TH2 to join the beatdown. See, comrades? What does El Presidente always tell you? Never trust a jaguar.

But the Dark Order comes out, directed by -1! They clear the ring and save Page. Everyone is happy. Socialism prevails! As it always does, comrades.

Alex Marvez talks to the Inner Circle. Santana and Ortiz cut a promo about beating the Bucks to win the titles tonight. MJF cuts a promo on Sammy Guevara. But Jericho tells MJF to shut up. He watched Dynamite and saw what MJF was doing. He says a lot of this is MJF's fault… but the majority is Sammy Guevara's fault. This is a real roller coaster, comrades. Jericho says he wanted them to fight with each other to push themselves to be better, but Sammy didn't pay attention. Now he walked out on the Inner Circle and Chris Jericho, and now he's dead to Jericho. Finally, Jericho lends his support to Santana and Ortiz for tonight's tag team championship match.

Tony Schiavone reports the winners from the Japanese first round of the Women's Eliminator Tournament. He reveals that the remaining first-round matches in the U.S. side will take place on YouTube next Monday, along with the Japanese semi-finals. Speaking of which, comrades…

Serena Deeb vs. Riho

Riho is back, and she takes on Serena Deeb in another first-round match for the tournament. When Riho was last in AEW, she pretty much was the Women's division. Things are a lot different now, as AEW has spent pretty much the entire pandemic building their women's division from the ground up. At the end of a competitive match, Deeb kicks out of Riho's double foot stomp. Then they trade chained pinning combos and Riho manages to get the three-count.

Winner: Riho
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Orange Cassidy vs. Luther

Orange Cassidy faces Luther in a quick match, which Cassidy wins.

Winner: Orange Cassidy
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Promo: Taz

Taz, flanked by Hook and Brian Cage, cuts a promo on Sting before Sting can cut a promo on Taz. Ricky Starks isn't there because of the snow. Taz calls Sting out. Sting obliges. Now Taz tries to talk Sting into dropping his bat so they can jump him three-on-one. Sting tosses the bat away. He attacks! He's taking on all three men! He's… oh no. Comrades, Brian Cage gave Sting a powerbomb, so I assume he is dead now. Boy, I wouldn't want to be the one to tell Darby Allin what happened to his grandpa. Haw haw haw haw!

Eddie Kingston cuts a promo on Lance Archer, Rey Fenix, and Jon Moxley.

Kenny Omega reads the Young Bucks' book some kindergarteners at a charity event. Several of the kids are not wearing masks, so this is a potential child super-spreader event. Now that's living the heel gimmick, comrades. Kenny reads one segment about how much money he helped make everyone in NJPW, and then he says he has to go. The kids chant for him and try to get him to stay longer. Callis gives them Nakazawa instead, but the kids hate him and beat him up.

Santana and Ortiz vs. The Young Bucks

The Young Bucks' parents are at ringside for this match. So is the Inner Circle. Kenny Omega, Don Callis, and the Good Brothers watch from backstage. The match barely gets started when the referee ejects the Inner Circle from ringside. What follows is an epic tag team match. In the finish, Santana and Ortiz hit Street Sweeper and nearly win the match, but Matt Jackson breaks up the pin. So Proud and Powerful powerbomb him into the crowd. But then Nick Jackson quickly rolls up Ortiz for the win.

Winners: The Young Bucks
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

I hate to see it, comrades. When will Proud and Powerful win the big one?!

The Inner Circle runs out right after the bell to beat down the Bucks. Backstage, Omega, Callis, and The Good Brothers discuss going to the ring but don't actually go to the ring. Brandon Cutler goes down and gets his ass kicked in the time they take to discuss it. Eventually, the Good Brothers do show up, and the Inner Circle retreats.

Cody Rhodes and Brandi Rhodes head to the stage for a gender reveal party. Pink pyro reveals it's a girl. Cody's hair catches on fire, and he horrifically burns to death. Okay, that last part didn't happen… but I half expected it to, comrades. Those gender reveal parties can be dangerous! Cody joins the commentary booth for the next match.

FTR vs. Matt and Mike Sydal

What a spotfest, comrades! FTR wins with the Big Rig.

Winners: FTR
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

After the match, FTR grabs a pair of scissors and wants to cut one of the Sydals' hair. The lights go out, and Luchasaurus's mask appears on the TonyKhanTron. Jurassic Express is in the ring behind FTR, and Luchasaurus has a new mask. They kick some ass. Luchasaurus looks like he should be a member of GWAR, comrades.

Here's what's going on on Dynamite in the near future. Next week on Dynamite: Hangman Page faces Isiah Kassidy. Depending on who wins the first-round matches, someone will face someone else in the Women's World Championship Eliminator Tournament semifinal. Ricky Starks and Brian Cage will take on the Varsity Blonds. And Jake Hager will face Brandon Cutler, spinning out of the brawl after the tag team championship match earlier when Cutler tried to help the Young Bucks. And then on March 3rd, Shaq and Jade Cargill vs. Cody Rhodes and Red Velvet. The final match of the Eliminator Tournament will happen here, with the winner earning a shot at Hikaru Shida's AEW Women's Championship. FTR and Tully Blanchard will take on Jurassic Express. Yes, Tully Blanchard is wrestling in the match. I remember Tully Blanchard, comrades! I care. And then, at Revolution, there will be a "Face of the Revolution" ladder match with Cody Rhodes, Penta El Zero M, and Scorpio Sky as the first three named competitors, with more to come. Hikaru Shida will face the winner of the Eliminator tournament. Matt Hardy will face Hangman Page in a Money Match, with the winner getting all of the earnings of the loser for the first quarter of 2021. Brian Cage and Ricky Starks will fight Sting and Darby Alin in a street fight if the kid and his grandpa aren't dead by then, comrades. Haw haw haw haw! And finally, the Young Bucks will defend the AEW Tag Team Championships against Chris Jericho and MJF.

Jon Moxley cuts a promo on Eddie Kingston. Once he's done with him, he'll take care of Kenta in NJPW. And then back to Kenny Omega and regaining the AEW Championship.

Jon Moxley, Lance Archer, and Rey Fenix vs. Eddie Kingston, The Butcher, and The Blade

And then it's time for the main event. Moxley, Archer, and Fenix face Kingston, Butcher, and Blade in a six-man tag that delivered some big action, though the real drama will happen after the match. It comes down to Omega and Kingston in a battle of guts, which Moxley wins with the paradigm shift.

Winners: Moxley, Archer, and Fenix
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

The Good Brothers attack Moxley after the match. They beat him down and then hold him as Kenny Omega and Don Callis come out. Kenny has his "late Valentine's Day gift from Tony Khan," the contract from their last match, with a rematch clause. So Omega will give Moxley a rematch at Revolution, but he needs to end Moxley. So he wants an exploding barbed wire deathmatch. Yes, an exploding barbed wire deathmatch. Moxley tries to fight back, but he gets beat down. Omega tells him he'll never get the title back.

Now that's how you book a PPV main event, comrades! Haw haw haw haw! If there's one thing I love, it's an exploding barbed wire deathmatch. I frequently force my political rivals to compete in exploding barbed wire deathmatches for my entertainment. That's all for tonight, comrades. I give this week's Dynamite a 2.5 out of 5. Until next time, amigos: socialism or death.

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