Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: wrestling

Five Ways Netflix Buying Warner Bros Could Change AEW

El Presidente reports on Netflix's $82.7 billion Warner Bros purchase and what it means for AEW's future. Spoiler: it could be bad, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious panic room where I am currently hiding from my financial advisors after they discovered I invested the entire national treasury in Blockbuster Video stock. But enough about my sound investment strategies—we have much bigger fish to fry today!

The news has broken like a folding chair over the head of the wrestling business: Netflix is acquiring Warner Bros. from Warner Bros Discovery for a staggering $82.7 billion! Comrades, that is more money than I have embezzled in my entire career, and believe me, I have tried! This earth-shattering deal brings together Netflix's streaming dominance with Warner Bros.' legendary library, and it has implications that reach far beyond whether we'll finally get a Squid Game/Harry Potter crossover (though I must admit, I would pay good money to see Lord Voldemort play red light, green light).

But what does this mean for All Elite Wrestling, the scrappy upstart promotion that has been giving WWE headaches since 2019? Though AEW's deal with TNT and TBS, which will remain part of a new separate entity called Discover Global, is set until 2028, Netflix has acquired the HBO Max streaming service that is the US home of AEW PPVs as well as their library of past and present episodes of AEW Dynamite and AEW Collision. I remember discussing this very topic with my good friend Kim Jong-un over a game of Mario Kart last month. "El Presidente," he said while blue-shelling me on Rainbow Road, "consolidation in the entertainment industry always leads to chaos for the little guy." He would know. He controls all entertainment in his country! Though I must say, his Netflix password-sharing policies are even stricter than the streaming service's.

Without further ado, let me present to you, comrades, five ways this Netflix-Warner Bros mega-merger could affect AEW:

1. Timeless Toni Storm No Longer Acts Like Golden Age Hollywood Star, Instead Bases Her Character Off Modern Adam Sandler Movies and Other Netflix IP

Ah, Timeless Toni Storm! One of AEW's most delightful characters, channeling the glamour of 1930s Hollywood with the dedication of a method actor. But comrades, what happens when Netflix, which now owns the very Warner Bros. library Storm has been emulating, decides they want synergy with their own content from AEW, which will presumably continue to stream on the Netflix-owned HBO Max through 2027?

Picture it: Storm comes to the ring no longer as a Jean Harlow-inspired platinum blonde bombshell, but as "Waterboy Toni," speaking in an exaggerated accent and tackling opponents while screaming about high-quality H2O. Or perhaps "Murder Mystery Toni," solving crimes in the ring with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston at ringside. The horror! The humanity! This reminds me of the time Fidel Castro tried to rebrand himself as a TikTok influencer—some classics should remain untouched, comrades!

2. Jeff Jarrett Forced to Drop the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Championship to One of the Kids from Stranger Things

Double J, Jeff Jarrett, currently holds a championship belt adorned with imagery from the classic horror film "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," a result of a video game cross-promotional event that saw him battle TNA star Jeff Hardy for the newly-created title. But now that Netflix owns Warner Bros. and the HBO Max service that serve's as AEW's streaming home in the United States, and Netflix has its own young stars to promote, what's to stop the streaming giant from demanding corporate synergy?

Imagine the scene, comrades: Jeff Jarrett, guitar in hand, ready to smash another opponent, when suddenly the lights go out. The ominous synthesizer music from "Stranger Things" begins to play. Out walks Dustin, or perhaps young Will Byers, ready to challenge for the title! "But El Presidente," you might say, "those are children!" Or least 20-something adults that play children on TV. To which I respond: have you seen what the CIA has trained child operatives to do?

Jarrett would have no choice but to comply, putting over the young Netflix star in a touching moment where nostalgia meets corporate mandates. It's beautiful, in the way that only late-stage capitalism can be beautiful, which is to say, not beautiful at all, but inevitable.

3. TNT and TBS Titles Renamed After New Partners Following Desperate TV Rights Negotiations

Here's where things get spicy, comrades! According to the deal structure, TNT and TBS will be split off into a separate company called Discovery Global, no longer under the same umbrella as HBO Max, which Netflix is acquiring. This means AEW's broadcast homes will be owned by a different and smaller entity, one that might not have the same resources or commitment to wrestling.

Picture AEW scrambling to maintain relevance, forced to rename their prestigious TNT Championship and TBS Championship after whatever entertainment outlets will have them. The "PlutoTV Championship" doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it, comrades? And the "Amazon Prime Free Two-Day Shipping Championship"? It sounds like something you'd win at a garage sale!

I once had to rename our national soccer tournament the "Sketchy Energy Drink Championship" after a particularly embarrassing budget shortfall, so I understand the indignity. But at least our sketchy energy drink occasionally gave people superpowers. Mostly just heart palpitations, but still!

4. The Crossover Comic Book Event Between AEW and DC Comics Is Hastily Altered, Replacing All AEW Stars with WWE Ones

Comrades, this one truly breaks my heart! AEW released a magnificent crossover comic book event with DC Comics featuring Mercedes Moné, Will Ospreay, Darby Allin, Jon Moxley, Swerve Strickland, Hangman Adam Page, Timeless Toni Storm, Willow Nightingale, Orange Cassidy, and Kenny Omega teaming up with legendary DC Super Heroes including Aquaman, Batman, Nightwing, Green Lanterns Guy Gardner and John Stewart, Hawkgirl, Zatanna, Wonder Woman, and Harley Quinn to recover the Big Galactic Belt and prevent a cosmic catastrophe. It was glorious!

But now, with Netflix owning Warner Bros. (and thus DC Comics), and with WWE already having a cozy relationship with Netflix through their Raw deal, what's to stop them from simply… replacing all the AEW wrestlers with WWE stars? I can picture the frantic editors at DC, using White-Out to erase the heads of AEW wrestlers from already-completed comic panels, hastily drawing in Roman Reigns and Cody Rhodes instead so they can release a new trade paperback with AEW erased quicker than the sales on an ongoing comic book after they reach double digit numbers.

"But the poses don't match!" the artists will cry. "The body proportions are all wrong!" But corporate will not care, comrades. They never do. This reminds me of when I commissioned a statue of myself for the capital square, but the sculptor defected before finishing it. Rather than start over, I simply had them put my head on the existing body, which happened to be of a fitness model. No one has had the courage to point out that my statue has better abs than I do in real life.

5. AEW and WWE Decide to Follow in Their Parents' Footsteps and Merge into AEWWE, Complete with a Rehash of the WCW Invasion Storyline

And finally, comrades, we arrive at the nuclear option, the scenario that would make the Monday Night Wars look like a friendly game of dominoes at the old dictators' home (which, coincidentally, is where Augusto Pinochet and I spent last Thursday).

If Netflix owns Warner Bros., and Warner Bros.' networks host AEW, and WWE already has a lucrative deal with Netflix, what's to stop the streaming giant from deciding that competition is inefficient? They could force a merger, creating AEWWE, the unholy matrimony of All Elite Wrestling and World Wrestling Entertainment!

Picture it: Nick Khan (WWE's President) appearing on AEW Dynamite, microphone in hand, with that smug smile that reminds me of every CIA operative who ever tried to poison my cigars. "The name on the contract DOES say Khan," he would declare, while Tony Khan looks on in horror from the production truck. "However, the contract reads NICK Khan!"

It would be a callback to that fateful night in 2001 when Shane McMahon appeared on the final episode of WCW Nitro, revealing that it was he who had purchased WCW, not his father. Except this time, it would be even more painful for AEW fans, watching their alternative to WWE's monopolistic practices get absorbed into the very beast they sought to escape.

We would see a rehash of the disastrous WCW Invasion storyline, except this time it would be AEW stars being buried—I mean, "integrated"—into WWE programming. Chris Jericho would have to explain why he's back in WWE for the 47th time. MJF would probably thrive, let's be honest. But the dream of a true alternative in professional wrestling would die once again, crushed under the weight of corporate consolidation and streaming service synergy.

Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: when large corporations merge, the little guy always suffers. Whether it's AT&T buying Time Warner, Disney buying Fox, or that time I tried to merge our country with the neighboring island nation (they said no, very rudely), consolidation rarely benefits anyone except the shareholders and the executives with golden parachutes.

The wrestling business thrives on competition. It needs multiple promotions pushing each other to be better, just as I need multiple generals competing for my favor to keep them all suspicious of each other! Without AEW providing an alternative, WWE has no incentive to improve, innovate, or treat their talent with respect.

But perhaps I am being too pessimistic, comrades. Perhaps Netflix will be a benevolent overlord, allowing both WWE and AEW to coexist peacefully, each streaming service giant supporting their respective promotion while encouraging healthy competition. After all, stranger things have happened… pun absolutely intended!

Though I must say, if I were Tony Khan right now, I would be making contingency plans. Maybe reach out to Apple TV+? Amazon Prime Video? That weird free streaming service you can only access through your Smart TV that shows nothing but old public domain movies? Diversification is key, comrades. Just ask my offshore bank accounts!

Until next time, this is El Presidente, reminding you that in the battle between art and commerce, commerce usually brings a steel chair to the fight. Stay vigilant, stay socialist, and whatever you do, don't let streaming services monopolize your entertainment options!

¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva la revolución! And most importantly, ¡Viva AEW—for however long it lasts!

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