Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: The Undertaker, tna, Trick Williams, wrestling, WWE NXT

Geriatric Undertaker Humbles TNA Champion on WWE NXT

Comrades! The Dead Man proves even retired WWE legends are superior to active TNA champions. Another glorious day for corporate wrestling imperialism!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker deep beneath a defunct wrestling territory's headquarters, and do I have some delicious news for you today! Last night on WWE NXT, we witnessed what can only be described as the most beautiful display of corporate imperialism since I convinced Fidel Castro to let me book his nephew's quinceañera. The legendary Undertaker, who at 60 years old now is starting to resemble his old manager Paul Bearer more than the Phenom of yesteryear, absolutely destroyed TNA World Champion Trick Williams with all the ease of the CIA overthrowing the government of a South American nation that dares to nationalize its banana exports.

Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with The American CIA, it's this: when you claim to be the biggest dog in the yard, you better make sure there isn't a Dead Man still lurking in the shadows! Trick Williams strutted out there bragging about holding down two brands, but Undertaker reminded him, and all of us, that even a retired WWE legend can effortlessly chokeslam the supposed face of TNA into next week. The confrontation was more one-sided than my chess matches with Pol Pot!

This latest humiliating development in the saga of TNA's business relationship with WWE strengthens the WWE hegemony and demonstrates TNA's position as the junior partner in the relationship. Not only do we have multiple NXT wrestlers currently holding TNA championships, proving that WWE's developmental talent is superior to anyone under a TNA contract, but now even wrestlers who can't bend over to lace up their boots without breaking a hip can still manhandle their so-called champions! It's like watching a mighty socialist revolution get crushed by a retired American general who spends most of his time riding motorcycles, watching Fox News, and making guest appearances the CW Network accompanied by the musical stylings of Kid Rock.

The humiliation doesn't stop there, comrades! Earlier in the evening, we witnessed Jacy Jayne of Fatal Influence bragging about being the current state of women's wrestling while holding not one, but TWO championships—including the TNA Knockouts Championship she captured at Slammiversary. Here we have yet another WWE developmental wrestler treating TNA's top women's title like a trophy from a regional bingo tournament! Jayne paraded around like she owned the place, which, considering WWE's dominance over their supposed "partners," she basically does. It reminds me of the time I hosted a summit with Kim Jong-un where he brought his own throne and insisted everyone bow to him—except in this case, TNA is doing the bowing voluntarily!

Speaking of voluntary submission, I was reminded of the time I hosted a dinner party with Muammar Gaddafi where we discussed the finer points of professional wrestling psychology. "El Presidente," he said while adjusting his fabulous golden robes, "the key to maintaining power is never letting your opponents forget who the true authority is." Undertaker clearly learned this lesson well, as he reminded everyone that the hierarchy of sports entertainment remains firmly intact, with WWE legends at the top and TNA champions somewhere near the bottom with expired commodity futures.

The rest of the evening's festivities showcased the beautiful brutality of capitalist competition! Jasper Troy managed to defeat Ricky Saints via countout after sending him crashing through the entrance ramp—a finish more creative than most of my election strategies, and trust me, I once convinced an entire province that voting booths were actually confessionals. Meanwhile, Blake Monroe made quick work of Wren Sinclair in what can only be described as a proper socialist redistribution of victory, taking all the wins for herself while leaving her opponent with nothing but broken dreams and a sore back.

Oba Femi retained his NXT Championship in a triple threat match against Josh Briggs and Yoshiki Inamura, proving once again that real championship gold stays where it belongs—in the hands of WWE's chosen elite. The Culling also managed to defeat the makeshift team of Hank & Tank, Sol Ruca, and Zaria through nefarious means involving a mysterious doll, which reminds me of the time I used voodoo dolls to rig elections in three different provinces, but that's a story for another day, comrades.

Now, here is where things got truly inspirational! Ethan Page celebrated his North American Championship by unveiling a Canadian-themed title design, declaring that the championship should no longer represent North America but instead focus solely on Canada. Comrades, this is exactly the kind of revolutionary thinking we need more of in professional wrestling! Page understands that championships should be nationalized and redistributed among the people—though naturally, as the supreme leader, I would keep several extra copies for myself to display in my various palaces and underground lairs. Of course, next week he faces former WWE comedy jobber turned TNA boss Santino Marella, who clearly doesn't appreciate such progressive championship policies. The bourgeois always resist when the working class tries to seize the means of title production!

In any case, the message of last night's episode of WWE NXT, as well as the last several months of the WWE/TNA partnership, is crystal clear, comrades: even in retirement, WWE legends possess more star power and legitimacy than active TNA champions, while WWE's developmental talent continues to treat TNA's championships like participation trophies. It's almost enough to make one appreciate the brutal efficiency of American capitalism! Viva el Undertaker!

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