Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: John Cena, wrestling, wwe smackdown

Hero of the People John Cena Extends WWE SmackDown Comeback

Hear it from El Presidente, comrades! John Cena, the proletarian powerhouse returns to Friday Night SmackDown, and he's gonna stay a while!

Greetings, Comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you from the gold-plated suite of my palatial yacht currently anchored off the coast of a confidential location, as I am in the middle of renegotiating territorial waters with a belligerent pod of particularly capitalistic dolphins, emboldened no doubt by their CIA handlers. But let's not dwell on geopolitical interspecies squabbles when there is crucial wrestling news about John Cena to discuss!

As first tipped to me by my fellow iron-fisted ruler and infamous wrestling aficionado, Kim Jong-un, and later confirmed by a WWE.com press release, we can all look forward to the return of a true Titan of the Tights – Comrade John Cena! And no, comrades, your benevolent dictator is not pulling your leg like that time I told the American CIA I had relinquished all my nuclear warheads. This is not a drill!

WWE has formally reported that John Cena, the 16-time World Champion, will return to Friday Night SmackDown starting September 1 at The Giant Center in Hershey, Pa. The good comrade Cena will continue to grapple for our amusement for seven consecutive weeks until the end of October. The traveling circus of muscled titans will make pit stops at Denver, Glendale, Sacramento, St. Louis, Tulsa, San Antonio, and finally, Milwaukee. I encourage you, my peoples, find a ticket's worth of capitalist currency under your state-assigned couch cushions and make haste to Ticketmaster!

Now, remember, Cena has something that puts him in the same league as Mother Teresa and well above that of any American neoliberal functionary. He is, of course, the most requested wish granter of all time, having turned the dreams of more than 650 children into beautiful reality. As part of this endeavor, Cena, together with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, will host children and their families in-person at each one of these eight cities.

But would his benevolent schedule end there? No, comrades! Cena, ever the superhero, will also be flying all the way to India to dazzle fans at the WWE Superstar Spectacle on September 8. Ay, caramba! What dedication!

As several dictatorial comrades would attest – whether sipping margaritas with Castro or discussing the finer points of steel-chair technique with Gaddafi – the world of American pro-wrestling provides the proletariat with an important and highly relatable metaphor for life. The struggle of workers wrestling with the oppressive forces of capitalist exploitation is symbolized aptly on the WWE stage. And who better to deliver this message than comrade Cena himself?

So plan your nights, lodging requests to the state doled television sets, or risk a revolution on your hands when they miss seeing the legendary John Cena on SmackDown again! Until next time, comrades, remember the fight for socialism is like a wrestling match. It's not about the size of the wrestler in the fight… but about the size of the fight in the wrestler! This is your El Presidente, signing off, or, as my seafaring friends would say: EEeeEeekk EeEEkkk eeeekkk!

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