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Impact Wrestling – What Happened on the Sacrifice Fallout Show?

Published Wed, 17 Mar 2021 11:05:32 -0500

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, here to provide the most glorious Impact Wrestling recap in the history of Impact Wrestling recaps. I am all business today, comrades, so let's get right into the results.

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Impact Wrestling Results – March 16th, 2021

This episode of Impact is the fallout show for Sacrifice, which took place last weekend.

FinJuice vs. XXXL

The new Impact tag team champs open the show. I was stunned to see FinJuice beat the Good Brothers, comrades. But that's what happens, comrades, when you let your opposition fester for too long. Back in my day, comrades, at the slightest hint of anyone even thinking about challenging my dictatorship, I would have them torn from their homes in the middle of the night by my secret police and jailed or executed. Alas, the Good Brothers chose to do shots with FinJuice instead, and look what happened!

Winners: FinJuice
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

The Good Brothers come out after and make excuses about their loss. They say they weren't prepared for the match. They want a rematch. Now. FinJuice disagree.

Max Headroom cuts a promo on Trey Miguel. The years have not been kind to him. Actually, comrades, on second thought, that may have been Sami Callihan.

The Good Brothers complain to Scott D'Amore about not being champs anymore and about FinJuice bringing the titles back to Japan for a month. D'Amore says the Good Brothers are the ones that blew it. But when they return, the Good Brothers can have their rematch at Rebellion.

The Good Brothers leave. Tommy Dreamer enters. He is also upset about NJPW having the tag belts. D'Amore hits below the belt and makes fun of ECW. He says if Tommy thinks he can do better, he can book the card for the next Impact Plus special, Hardcore Justice. Dreamer already has the card booked. He hands D'Amore a sheet of paper. D'Amore agrees it's pretty good.

Rhino vs. Jake Something

Jake Something takes on Rhino, the newest member of Violent by Design. I never saw that swerve coming at Sacrifice. Who would expect Rhino to join up with a heel faction like this? I used to keep a couple of rhinos as pets back when I was running a dictatorship, and they were very loyal, comrades. Rhino wins in just a few minutes with a gore.

Winner: Rhino
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Violent by Design Crushes Jake Something, Chris Sabin, and James Storm after the match is over.

The heel team from the twelve-women tag match argues about who should be in charge of the team. Deonna Purrazzo suggests they work together instead of fighting. Everyone agrees.

Rohit Raju vs. Shera

Rohit Raju and Shera were once best friends, but now they have become bitter enemies, and as always, because of money and capitalism. Comrades, I watched the exact same breakdown happen between Manuel Noriega and the American CIA back in the 80s. Sad. Rohit wins with a cheap pin.

Winner: Rohit Raju
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Willie Mack wants to party with Rich Swann after Swann's big victory at Sacrifice, but Swann is too busy with work.

Rich Swann comes to the ring with both his titles. Swann cuts a promo about how he hates Moose but respects him. Comrades, you know that El Presidente has no fondness for gold, but given a choice, the TNA Championship is without a doubt a better-looking title than the Impact one. Swann says he will beat Kenny Omega at Rebellion.

Don Callis interrupts. He embraces Swann and mouths the words, "I'm so proud of you." He gets a microphone and reiterates that sentiment. He puts over Swann and says he's the one who wanted Swann signed to Impact. He talks about his history with Swann. But then he brings up Swann losing to Kenny Omega at Hard to Kill and how it must worry Swann that Omega will beat him again. Callis says Swann is a superstar, but Kenny Omega is a god of pro wrestling. He says Swann will be a part of history at Rebellion… by losing to Omega again.

Swann just stands there looking dejected while Callis leaves.

Tony Schiavone and Tony Khan promote St. Patrick's Day Slam on Dynamite tomorrow.

Matt Cardona tries to make up with Brian Myers. Myers says Impact was supposed to be Myers' chance to do things on his own. He tells Cardona to get lost.

12-Knockouts Tag Team Match

Comrades, I haven't seen a match with this much talent divided between two teams since the last dictators' softball game. That being said, twelve people are too many for one tag team match, in this El Presidente's not-so-humble opinion. Four people? Sure. Six? Okay. Eight? Fine. Even Ten. But twelve, comrades? That's the kind of capitalist excess that exemplifies everything wrong with the world, comrades. Jazz makes Kimber Lee tap out, putting an end to this atrocity.

Winners: Havok, Nevaeh, ODB, Alisha Edwards, Jordynne Grace, and Jazz
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

Gia Miller interviews Ace Austin and Madman Fulton. Chris Bey and Josh Alexander, and TJP interrupt, looking for shots at the X-Division Championship. But TJP is the only one with an order from Scott D'Amore. He'll get his rematch against Austin on Impact next week.

On Impact next week: Ace Austin vs. TJP, Deonna Purrazzo vs. Jazz, and Karl Anderson vs. Eddie Edwards.

Sami Callihan vs. Trey Miguel

After all of Sami's mind games, Trey Miguel finally gets a chance at revenge. The match is long and brutal. Sami wants to destroy Trey, and he does. Sometimes, tough love like that is required, comrades. I remember the time I left my protege, Maduro, alone in the jungle with nothing but a machete and a loincloth, and I told him, Maduro, if you are destined to become a world-famous dictator like El Presidente, you will make your way back home. Yes, he was dangerously wounded in single combat with a jaguar, but he made it back, comrades, and now look at him! I couldn't be more proud. Sami wins with a package piledriver.

Winner: Sami Callihan
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

And that's Impact for this week, comrades. The show was about average today, so for once, my rating of two and a half stars seems oddly appropriate! Haw haw haw haw! Until next time: socialism or death!

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