Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: John Cena, recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

John Cena Explains His Shocking Heel Turn at WWE Raw in Brussels

El Presidente reports on John Cena's venomous explanation for betraying Cody Rhodes. Was his Brussels tirade justified, or is he truly a "whiny *****"?

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury underground bunker beneath the Grand Place in Brussels, where I am currently avoiding both NATO officials and the check for an exorbitant waffle breakfast I consumed earlier today. And let me tell you, the waffles in Brussels are almost as sweet as the socialist revolution, but not quite as delicious as the drama that unfolded on WWE Raw today involving the one and only John Cena!

As all good comrades are aware, John Cena shocked the wrestling world last month at the WWE Elimination Chamber pay-per-view when, after securing his championship opportunity against Cody Rhodes, he betrayed the American Nightmare with a swift kick to the means of production and aligned himself with The Rock. This heel turn was more unexpected than the time Fidel Castro and I switched hats at the 1983 Dictators' Summer Jamboree and nobody noticed for three days!

Today's early broadcast of WWE Raw from Brussels (a lovely city where I once had to escape through the sewers after a diplomatic incident involving three chocolate fountains and a misunderstanding about Belgian neutrality) gave us Cena's first real explanation for his actions, comrades, and it was more scathing than my speech at the United Nations condemning capitalism and their cafeteria's overpriced sandwiches!

Cena opened Raw to a symphony of boos and "Cena Sucks" chants that would make even the American CIA's psychological warfare division proud. The 16-time champion, dressed in his Belgium-specific "Last Time is Now" attire that reminded me of my own formal dictator wear (though less medals, comrades, significantly less medals), delivered an epic tirade against the fans that sent shockwaves through the Brussels arena.

"When someone is properly grounded in life, they shouldn't have to look outside themselves for approval," Cena proclaimed, metaphorically wagging his finger at the crowd like I do when addressing my cabinet about missing funds from the national treasury that everyone knows I took. He continued by calling the fans "awful" for years of "Cena Sucks" chants, including during his current farewell tour. The man who once preached Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect now claimed he tried to do something nice for the fans, and they didn't respect it!

This reminds me of the time I built a magnificent statue of myself in the capital plaza, and the citizens had the audacity to complain it was blocking traffic! Ungrateful, just like these WWE fans, no?

The promo was interrupted by Cody Rhodes himself, who called Cena a "whiny bitch" (language that would earn one three weeks in my finest re-education facility!) and told him to get over it by WrestleMania or face certain defeat. After the confrontation, Cena walked sadly to the back while the fans continued their verbal assault, looking more dejected than my Minister of Finance after I explain that yes, we do need gold-plated flamingos for the presidential swimming pool.

Michael Cole delivered a message of disappointment after the segment, while Corey Graves (filling in for Pat McAfee) defended Cena by saying he was "speaking his truth." This division among the announce team reminds me of when my generals disagree on which neighboring country we should invade next! Such drama!

Comrades, I find myself in a rare position of ideological conflict over this situation. On one hand, Cody Rhodes represents the people's champion, fighting for the fans with the revolutionary spirit of a true socialist hero. His "American Nightmare" persona resonates with my own efforts to keep the American CIA having nightmares about my regime's longevity!

On the other hand, John Cena's authoritarian heel turn speaks to my dictatorial heart! The way he dismissed the opinions of the masses and declared himself above their approval… it was like watching footage from my own press conferences! Such magnificent centralization of power and self-importance would make even my dear friend Kim Jong-un blush with envy.

Perhaps this is why I have always loved professional wrestling, comrades – it mirrors the political struggles of our world, just with more spandex and fewer economic sanctions!

The Brussels crowd was certainly passionate, reminding me of the time I had to escape the city through the chocolate museum after an Interpol agent recognized me during a truffle-making workshop. Those Belgians can be quite persistent when they want their unpaid chocolate bill settled!

What did you think of Cena's explanation, comrades? Was it justified, or is Cody right that he's being a "whiny bitch"? Leave your thoughts in the comments below, unless you are from the American CIA, in which case I have already changed my IP address and am no longer in Brussels, no matter what your satellites suggest!

For complete coverage of WWE Raw, check back with Bleeding Cool later today for a full report from my colleague Chad McMahon – assuming he has not once again gotten day-drunk on White Claws and missed the broadcast entirely. Last time that happened, he tried to convince me the main event was won by a talking flamingo, and cited it as the pinnacle of sports entertainment, and, in his words, "better than anything Tony Khan has ever booked." Even I, who once claimed to have won an Olympic gold medal in a sport I invented, found this difficult to believe!

This is your El Presidente, signing off from somewhere that is definitely not the walk-in freezer of Belgium's largest waffle factory, where I am hiding from both the authorities and the bill collector! Viva la wrestling revolución!

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