Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: michael cole, wrestling

Michael Cole Claims WWE Does Storytelling, Not Wrestling

El Presidente examines Michael Cole's claims that WWE isn't wrestling anymore, and offers the announcer a free stay at his premium thought reconstruction resort! 🇻🇪 💪

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my solid gold propaganda broadcasting tower in my presidential palace, where I am currently reviewing the latest state-approved revisions to our national history books. And speaking of propaganda, I have some most interesting news about WWE's Michael Cole!

You see, comrades, our friend Michael Cole recently appeared on the manosphere podcast of notorious capitalist reprobate Logan Paul, where he made some statements that reminded me of my weekly meetings with my Minister of Truth. Cole declared, and I quote: "That's why Netflix wanted us, Netflix understands that we're a storytelling entity first, we're not professional wrestling anymore, we haven't been for many years, we're an entertainment product."

wipes tear from eye while adjusting military medals

Ah, this takes me back to the good old days when my good friend Kim Jong-il and I would stay up late into the night, brainstorming creative ways to rebrand our various activities. "It's not a labor camp, El Presidente," he would say, "it's an involuntary productivity enhancement resort!" We had such laughs!

But comrades, even I, your beloved El Presidente, must admit there is something particularly amusing about a company that produces multiple wrestling shows per week, employs wrestlers, features wrestling matches, and even has the word "wrestling" in its legal corporate name (World Wrestling Entertainment) trying to pretend it is not, in fact, a wrestling company. It reminds me of the time the CIA tried to convince everyone that their black site in my country was actually a tropical bird sanctuary. At least they committed to the bit and released several hundred deadly parrots into the area!

The truth is, there is no shame in being a professional wrestling company. This desperate need to distance oneself from wrestling while simultaneously producing wrestling content speaks to a deep-seated corporate insecurity that not even my former Minister of Propaganda (may he rest in peace in that CIA-run tropical bird sanctuary) would have endorsed.

It seems clear to me that our comrade Michael Cole is still suffering from the lingering effects of decades of Vincean indoctrination. The symptoms are clear – the reflexive denial of wrestling's fundamental appeal, the compulsive need to rebrand simple concepts with corporate buzzwords, the mysterious tendency to shout "IT'S BOSS TIME!" at random intervals.

Therefore, I would like to extend a generous offer to Michael Cole: a free stay at El Presidente's Premium Thought Reconstruction Resort™ (formerly known as Hard Labor Re-education Camp #7). Here, through the therapeutic benefits of breaking rocks in the hot sun and constructing monuments to the glory of socialism, Cole can clear his mind of these destructive corporate programming patterns. We have had great success with former sports entertainment announcers in the past – just ask my good friend Dennis Rodman!

Remember, comrades, there is no shame in calling wrestling what it is – wrestling! Just as there is no shame in calling my emergency powers what they are – absolutely necessary and completely temporary (going on 37 years now)!

Until next time, this has been your El Presidente, reminding you that while WWE may be "storytelling," the story of the proletarian revolution is the greatest story ever told! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go adjust the height of my presidential throne. The CIA keeps sending in specially trained giraffes to make me look shorter in propaganda photos.

Viva la lucha libre!

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