Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling

Mysterious WWE Teaser Sparks Speculation and Foot Analysis

El Presidente analyzes WWE's mysterious 15-second teaser from his bunker. Is it Jericho? Andrade? Or something more shocking? The feet know all, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underground bunker beneath the Palace of Revolutionary Broadcasting, where I am currently hiding from both the American CIA and my creditors, and I have some absolutely electrifying news for you today!

WWE has just dropped a mysterious 15-second teaser video that has sent the wrestling world into a frenzy of speculation that rivals the time I spent three hours debating with Fidel Castro whether Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Rock had the superior finishing move. (Fidel was wrong, by the way. The Stunner is clearly superior, as I demonstrated on him repeatedly until his security guards intervened.)

Now, comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: when someone shows you only their feet, they are either trying to hide their identity or they have forgotten to iron their pants. In this case, we see dress shoes, socks, and pants, slowly walking as the faintest hint of music begins to play before cutting off like my electricity during a protest march.

The speculation is running wilder than the time Kim Jong-un and I got into a heated argument about whether John Cena's "You Can't See Me" gesture would work as a military strategy. (It does not, comrades. The CIA can always see you. Trust me on this.)

Could this mysterious figure be Chris Jericho, whose AEW contract is rumored to expire at the end of the year? Ah, Jericho! A man who has reinvented himself more times than I have rewritten my country's constitution! The problem is, comrades, those shoes look too expensive for someone who pours his fortune into GoFundMe donations and propping up a second career as a hair metal band frontman.

Perhaps it is Andrade! Now here is where things get juicier than the state secrets I traded with Putin for his borscht recipe. WWE apparently fired Andrade, only to send a cease and desist letter to AEW when he appeared on Dynamite! Rumors suggest WWE is trying to enforce a one-year non-compete clause because they want to force him back! This is the kind of petty vindictiveness I can respect, comrades. It reminds me of the time I banned my rival from leaving the country, then immediately invited him to a mandatory state dinner. Power moves!

But wait! Could it be AEW star Adam Copeland, making a shocking return to WWE for one night only to face John Cena in Cena's final match in December? This would be like that time Che Guevara came back from the grave to launch a new career as the singer of Rage Against the Machine. The wrestling world would explode! Although, I must note, those pants look a bit too well-pressed for Edge.

Or perhaps it is Gunther, the Ring General himself, absent from WWE since losing his World Heavyweight Championship! As someone who has also lost territorial control before (thanks, CIA), I understand the need for a dramatic return. Gunther's methodical walking style would certainly match this teaser, though I never thought I'd see him wearing socks.

Santos Escobar is another possibility, comrades! His contract briefly expired but he quickly re-signed with WWE. As someone who has signed many contracts under duress, I recognize the energy of someone who negotiated from a position of strength. Those could definitely be Santos's feet, according to my team of expert analysts (and not, as some people are saying, due to my paid subscription to WikiFeet.

Now, here is where things get truly wild, like the time Nicolas Maduro and I binge-watched an entire season of "The Bachelor" while planning a trade agreement. Could the MAGA-leaning WWE have finally decided it's time to bring back Vince McMahon himself? After all, recent trends have demonstrated the company believes its untouchable, and, like Taylor Swift, they like their friends canceled.

Speaking of controversial returns, it could be the scandal-plagued Alberto El Patron! He recently left AAA after WWE bought the company, but might still be signed to a deal. Those dress shoes do scream "I have complicated PR nightmares in multiple countries," which I can definitely relate to deeply.

But comrades, allow me to present some additional theories that the capitalist wrestling media is too cowardly to suggest!

Could it be Triple H himself, returning as an active competitor after realizing he misses hitting people with sledgehammers? Those shoes have "executive who still keeps his ring gear in his office" energy, though his pacemaker may be considered a foreign object.

Perhaps it is The Undertaker, coming back for one more Wrestlemania match! The slow, methodical walk certainly fits The Deadman's style, though I would expect more supernatural fog and lightning.

Or, in the most shocking swerve since the Montreal Screwjob, what if it is actually Shane McMahon, returning to jump off something unnecessarily high? Those pants have "inherited wealth and poor decision-making" written all over them.

In conclusion, comrades, this mysterious teaser has accomplished exactly what WWE wanted: getting everyone talking, speculating, and watching! It is brilliant propaganda, really. Which is why none of you see the truth coming: those are my feet, and it will be El Presidente himself making his official WWE debut! The revolution will be televised, comrades, and I am always dressed for success!

¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva la revolución! And most importantly, ¡Viva the mysterious walking feet that have captivated us all!

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