Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: PBR, Ram, ufc, wrestling

Ram Trucks Partners with WWE, UFC, PBR in Capitalist Spectacle

El Presidente reports on Ram Trucks' unholy alliance with WWE, UFC, and PBR - a capitalist orgy so excessive, even socialist dictators are impressed, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private box at a cock-fighting arena that I definitely converted into a community center for tax purposes, and I have some news that perfectly encapsulates the grotesque spectacle of American corporate capitalism Ram Trucks has announced a partnership with TKO Group Holdings that can only be described as an orgy of capitalist excess so magnificent, so absurdly over-the-top, that even I – a man who once gold-plated an entire presidential palace on a dare from Muammar Gaddafi – must tip my military cap in begrudging respect for. They are combining WWE, UFC, and PBR (Professional Bull Riders, not the beer, though that would somehow make more sense) into one massive truck-selling extravaganza beginning in January 2026.

You see, comrades, this is what happens when capitalism reaches its final form. It is not enough to simply advertise trucks during sporting events like normal people. No, no, no! They must become the "Official Truck Partner" of body-slamming, face-punching, AND bull-riding simultaneously! It's like when I tried to sponsor the Olympics, the World Cup, and the International Yodeling Competition all at once, but the CIA kept freezing my bank accounts. Spoilsports!

Dana White, the UFC President who looks like he could personally repossess your truck if you miss a payment, proclaimed: "We are talking about three of the biggest sports and entertainment companies in the world teaming up with one of the baddest truck companies in the country." Comrades, when you describe a truck company as "bad," you know we have entered a new dimension of marketing madness. What's next? Will they call their transmission "totally sick, bro"?

The partnership means Ram will have brand integration at live events, broadcasts, and digital platforms. They will create "exclusive Ram-branded content featuring athletes and personalities from all three brands." I can only imagine what this means. Will we see Roman Reigns drive a Ram truck over a pile of smaller, weaker trucks? Will Conor McGregor punch a Ram truck and hurt his hand because Ram trucks are "built tough"? Will a bull rider escape an angry bull by jumping into the bed of a conveniently placed Ram truck? The possibilities for absurd commercials are endless!

This reminds me of the time I was having drinks with Kim Jong-un, and he told me about his plan to sponsor North Korea's basketball team, nuclear program, AND karaoke championships all with the same brand of soju. I said, "My friend, that is either genius or madness," and he replied, "Why not both?" We laughed so hard that the CIA listening devices in the room probably short-circuited.

But I digress, comrades. Let us examine what Ram is really doing here. Head of American Brands, SRT Performance, NA Marketing and Retail Strategy Tim Kuniskis, whose title is so long I suspect it was created by combining three different jobs to avoid paying three salaries (a move I respect, honestly), says that "Ram is built for those who push for the last tenth." The last tenth of what, comrade Tim? The last tenth of your paycheck after you make the truck payment? The last tenth of fossil fuels before climate change turns us all into desert nomads?

The partnership will include "VIP experiences and interactive activations at major events." Translation: if you buy enough trucks, they might let you sit ringside while grown men in underwear pretend to fight each other, or while actual professional fighters give each other brain damage, or while cowboys risk their lives on angry bovines hopped up on more testosterone than… well, Dana White, probably. What a value proposition!

If you were thinking, "El Presidente, that sounds wonderfully dystopian, but can we involve the government of Saudi Arabia somehow?" then comrades, I have got some news for you. Ram will be presenting partner at WWE's Royal Rumble in January 2026, which means the trucks will be more prominently featured than some of the actual wrestlers. I imagine somewhere, a midcard wrestler is weeping into his protein shake, knowing he will get less screen time than a pickup truck.

The press release mentions that Ram will have "unprecedented access to UFC events and the flexibility to integrate UFC athletes into its marketing efforts." Comrades, this is corporate-speak for "we own these people now." It's beautiful, really. Not socialist beautiful, where workers own the means of production, but beautiful in the way a perfectly executed capitalist scheme is beautiful – like watching a pickpocket work a crowd with the skill of a surgeon.

And let us not forget the pièce de résistance: Ram will entitle the "PBR RAM Challenger Series." Yes, comrades, even the bull riding will bear the Ram name, because nothing says "authentic Western tradition" quite like corporate branding plastered across everything including the livestock!

If there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: Americans will watch anything if you put enough trucks, violence, and spectacle in it. This partnership is the holy trinity of American excess – vehicular capitalism, manufactured athletic drama, and genuine physical danger, all wrapped up with a bow made of marketing budgets that could feed a small nation.

Under socialism, comrades, we would not need such desperate cross-promotional schemes. Everyone would have access to quality transportation, and our entertainment would not be designed to sell us products we cannot afford! But I must admit, as someone who appreciates the theatrical nature of power, there is something almost admirable about the sheer audacity of this capitalist orgy.

¡Viva la revolución, and may your truck payments not be as crushing as the American healthcare system!

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