Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: Kyle Brandt, Seth Rollins, wrestling

Seth Rollins Storms Off NFL Morning Show as WWE CelebMania Continues

Comrades! Seth Rollins rage-quit Good Morning Football after Kyle Brandt roasted him harder than Fidel roasted my beard. WWE's meta-narrative madness continues!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the gilded pool deck of my summer palace, where I am currently sipping a mojito the size of a small child and watching my loyal generals reenact the Cody Rhodes finish for my amusement. But I have torn myself away from this revolutionary leisure to bring you the latest absurdity from the WWE propaganda machine, which has apparently decided that actual wrestling is for chumps and what the people really want is more "worked shoot" nonsense that would make even Vince Russo in his TNA heyday say, "Compadres, perhaps we are doing too much."

This morning on the NFL Network's Good Morning Football, Seth Rollins appeared opposite host Kyle Brandt in a segment that began with a simple question — is playing in the NFL in your 40s harder than wrestling at WrestleMania? — and ended with Rollins throwing a towel, ripping out his earpiece, and storming off set like my former Minister of Agriculture after I asked him where all the grain money went. (He is no longer with us, comrades. The grain money is also no longer with us.)

This comes just days after Rollins lost to Gunther at WrestleMania 42, thanks to interference from Bron Breakker, a finish that Rollins referenced during the segment while responding that Aaron Rodgers doesn't have to "eat that from that young kid." Comrades, I have eaten many things from many young kids during various coup attempts, and I can confirm: it is humbling.

Here is how the segment went off the rails, in Rollins' own words:

Rodgers isn't taking sacks like that. There's no hiding is my point… And yeah, it does feel a little bit personal. I feel a little attacked. I feel like I'm being compared to Aaron Rodgers by you, and I'm kind of wondering, like, why is Kyle attacking me? This is a guy who came from a reality TV show, actually has really never done anything athletic in his adult life, and he wants to come at me.

Brandt, to his credit, did not back down, firing back that "NFL at 42 is like Ric Flair in his bleepin' 60s" and calling wrestling "predetermined" on live television — the kind of fourth-wall demolition that would have gotten a man thrown into the Bermuda Triangle back in the Kayfabe Era. Then came this gem from Brandt:

You're a little nervous because it's night one of the draft, and you know that next year you'll be night one only at WrestleMania, and there's a symmetry there for you.

At which point Rollins stood up, and Brandt — clearly enjoying himself far too much — offered: "Do you need to take a walk? We can go get Gunther and make you take a walk if you want to."

BRUTAL, comrades. I have not seen a diss that clean since Fidel Castro roasted me at my own birthday party in 1987 for my inability to grow a proper beard. He said, "El Presidente, your beard looks like the CIA planted it there to embarrass you." We laughed. We cried. Then I had the caterer detained for three weeks, just to be safe.

Rollins then declared, "I'm leaving right now, and you can have the segment so you don't have to look at me anymore," threw a towel at Brandt (who scolded him with "don't disrespect the towel"), and walked off. Brandt's parting shot? Suggesting Becky Lynch come in to "actually win something for us."

Now, comrades, let us be real with each other, as comrades are wont to do. This is a work. Obviously this is a work. This has "Backlash main event: Seth Rollins vs. Kyle Brandt in a No Holds Barred Good Morning Football Invitational Sponsored by Snickers" written all over it. And after a WrestleMania weekend that saw Pat McAfee and Jelly Roll involved in the Cody Rhodes/Randy Orton main event, plus a buildup that saw CM Punk and McAfee cutting "worked shoot" promos on each other about taking TKO money and Saudi apology tours, WWE has apparently concluded that what the fans are clamoring for is MORE meta-narrative, MORE celebrity drama, and, amazingly, even LESS actual wrestling.

Comrades, I have said it before and I will say it again: this is the exact energy of end-stage WCW, when I was flying Eric Bischoff around on my private jet and he kept pitching me on "the fingerpoke of doom, but for geopolitics." I told him no. The CIA told him yes. The rest is history, and also classified.

Under a proper socialist wrestling promotion, comrades, the workers (the wrestlers) would own the means of production (the ring), and every match would be about wrestling. No podcasters. No NFL Network morning show hosts. No "is wrestling harder than football" debates on shows that are not about wrestling. Just two sweaty comrades in trunks, struggling against the bourgeoisie and also each other.

But alas, TKO is not yet ready for the revolution. Until then, I will be watching Brandt vs. Rollins unfold with great interest, placing bets with Kim Jong-un over WhatsApp, and waiting for the inevitable moment when McAfee shows up on Good Morning Football to cut a promo about how Brandt is the REAL hypocrite.

Until next time, comrades — keep the faith, and never trust a man who refuses to disrespect the towel.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva wrestling that is actually about wrestling!

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