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Smackdown Recap: They Can't All Be Winners

There's just nine days to go before Elimination Chamber, and WWE has three matches booked so far. But that's better than Smackdown, which has two segments and zero matches booked, and is happening… *checks watch*… right now! Let's suffer through this together.

WWE Smackdown Recap – February 12th, 2021

Promo: Roman Reigns

Roman Reigns walks to the ring with his entourage. And walks. And walks. It takes a while. So long, Smackdown stops for a full recap of Edge's promo from Raw, and Roman is still only a quarter of the way down the ramp. Adam Pearce is in the ring with a very stern look on his face. Roman ignores him while he slowly gets in the ring and holds up his title. A "you suck" chant spontaneously breaks out because someone pressed the "you suck" button on the sound board.

Eventually, Roman asks Pearce what he's doing here. Roman tells Pearce that he's basically Roman's bitch and doesn't have any real power on Smackdown. So he makes Pearce wait while he addresses Edge and Edge's refusal to name Roman as his opponent for WrestleMania. He says Edge is scared of him and hoping someone else will take the title before WrestleMania, but Roman says that's not happening.

Pearce has a contract for Reigns to defend the title inside the Elimination Chamber. Paul Heyman says that's not what Roman's contract stipulates. Reigns has to defend the championship at Elimination Chamber, but he doesn't have to defend it in the Chamber. Instead, Roman will defend the title against the winner of the Elimination Chamber match, immediately after the match. Pearce isn't happy, but Heyman asks what he'll do about it. Fire Roman Reigns? He points out that WrestleMania was the lowest-attended of all time last year without Roman Reigns. That's, er, technically true.

Pearce says he'll put together qualifying matches, but there are two superstars who don't need to qualify: Jey Uso, and Kevin Owens. Pearce backs out of the ring as he names Uso and Owens, but Reigns follows him and gets in his face. Heyman coaxes Reigns back.

After some commercials, Sonya Deville congratulates Pearce on standing up to Roman Reigns. She's been working on the qualifying matches already and suggests a tag team match where the winners both qualify for the Elimination Chamber. That match happens now.

Rey and Dominik Mysterio vs. Baron Corbin and Sami Zayn

The Mysterios head to the ring, followed by The Ratings King of Friday Nights, and then Sami Zayn, who cuts a promo complaining about the injustice of it all the whole way to the ring.

Winners: Zayn and Corbin

Meh.

Robert Roode and Dolph Ziggler petition to Pearce and Deville that they be added to the Elimination Chamber. Ziggler says that ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, whenever Ziggler speaks, I fall into a deep sleep. Pearce and Deville says they can earn their spots in the match by facing Daniel Bryan and Cesaro tonight.

Promo: Big E

Big E heads to the ring to stand around while Smackdown takes a commercial break. He also stands around for a recap of the Sasha Banks/Bianca Belair/Carmella stuff from last week as well as a backstage segment. Sasha Banks is hanging out backstage with Kalisto, who I guess is not a heel anymore. Reginald shows up to offer Sasha a glass of champagne. That's pretty much the whole segment. And then a recap of last week's Intercontinental Championship match. Yup,  Big E is still just standing there in the ring after all of that.

Finally, it's time for Big E to do his promo. He says he's a fighting champion and make a reference to that chick who gorrilla glued her hair. Then Apollo Crews interrupts because no one is tired of this feud yet, right? Crews wants to accept the open challenge he believes Big E is about to issue. Big E says anyone but Crews can accept because he's beaten him 800 times in the past few weeks alone. Crews accuses Big E of being chicken. Big E tells Crews to go hang out in catering. They argue. Big E tells Crews to go away and calls for his next challenger.

Shinsuke Nakamura comes out and Smackdown takes another commercial break. SERIOUSLY?!

Big E vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

Apollo Crews lurks around ringside during this match, which is pretty standard WWE time-wasting stuff, until Crews interferes to kick Big E just as he's about to hit his finisher, getting Nakamura disqualified.

Winner: Big E

Stop trying to make Apollo Crews happen.

The entire Smackdown roster heads to the ring for Seth Rollins' return… which will happen after some commercials.

Promo: Seth Rollins

Seth Rollins is back, and he's wearing a pleather suit. Rollins says a lot has changed since he left, but the thing that changed the most is Seth himself. He talks about having a baby with Beck Lynch and how it's changed his life. He puts over the talent on the Smackdown roster. He says that he's the great leader Smackdown needs to take Smackdown to the next level.

At this point, the roster starts walking away until there's no one left. Rollins finishes his promo anyway and tells everyone to "embrace the vision." Then he looks around and notices the ringside area is empty… except for one man: Cesaro. Rollins is psyched for a new disciple, but Cesaro walks away too.

Rollins follows and assaults Cesaro. Officials try to break it up, but Rollins won't stop. Daniel Bryan eventually comes down to save Cesaro.

Bayley vs. Liv Morgan

Bless her heart, Liv gives it her all. But the Riott Squad seem to be destined to eternal jobberdom in WWE. Bayley wins after thumbing Morgan in the eye after Billie KAy comes down, gets in an argument with Ruby Riott, and distracts the ref.

Winner: Bayley

As if this match wasn't exciting enough on its own,

Kayla Braxton asks Cesaro if he'll be able to compete tonight. Cesaro says he will. Daniel Bryan says Cesaro is tough.

Apparently, the Street Profits were in Daytona to do some crap having to do with the Daytona 500. I fast forward through it.

Street Profits vs. Otis and Shorty G

The Street Profits head to the ring. Just another couple of guys who had great buzz behind them but have been booked into wWE oblivion. Shorty G and Otis come out. I can't think of a matchup I could possibly care less about. Ford pins Shorty with a frogsplash.

Winners: Street Profits

Promo: Sasha Banks

Sasha Banks heads to the ring as the participants of the last match are leaving, only to wait around through a commercial break. Afterward, she cuts a promo, briefly, before Bianca Belair interrupts. She too begins to cut a promo, but she's interrupted by Nia Jax and Shayna Baszler, and the fact that Nia Jax is on Smackdown just days after "My Hole" trended and there's no live audience to chant about it. Nia and Shayna start bragging, but Sasha and Bianca get the truck to play the "My Hole" footage to embarrass her. To WWE's credit, they don't bleep it out. Nia and Shayna attack, but get their asses handed to them by Sasha and Bianca, who team up to drop Nia once again on her hole on the apron. "Now backside… back inside," says Michael Cole. I see you, Cole.

Roode and Ziggler vs. Daniel Bryan and Cesaro

Robert Roode and Dolph Ziggler have a match with Daniel Bryan and Cesaro to decide who gets to be in the Elimination Chamber match. Ziggler and Cesaro start things off, and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Wha? Huh? Oh, sorry, Ziggler was wrestling so I fell into a deep sleep. Cesaro makes Ziggler tap to the Sharpshooter.

Winners: Daniel Bryan and Cesaro

Jey Uso jumps Cesaro after the match. Sami Zayn and Baron Corbin attack Bryan. Everyone starts brawling. Kevin Owens comes out and stuns everyone. Backstage, Roman Reigns facepalm. Owens shouts at the camera: "Are you watching? I'm coming for you, Roman! We're not done! I'm not going away!"

This show felt like it was thrown together at the last minute, a lot like the Elimination Chamber card. I normally enjoy Smackdown more than any other WWE programming, but the show was a dud this week. Oh well. You can't win 'em all.

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