Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE ID

WWE Announces Launch of WWE ID Indy Wrestler Development Program

Comrades! El Presidente reports on the new WWE ID program. Is it a path to stardom or just another CIA-inspired scheme? Find out inside!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, El Presidente, reporting to you live from my secret underground wrestling ring beneath the presidential palace, where I am currently teaching my elite guard the finer points of the Figure Four Leglock. But enough about my daily calisthenics – I have some earth-shattering news from the world of professional wrestling that will surely make your capitalist heads spin!

It seems that our friends at WWE, ever the masterminds of corporate wrestling domination, have concocted a new scheme to further tighten their iron grip on the industry. They call it "WWE ID" – Independent Development™. Ha! As if anything truly independent could exist within the structure of a multinational corporation. It reminds me of the time Fidel and I tried to start an "independent" cigar rolling competition in international waters off the coast of Florida. Needless to say, the CIA was not amused.

But I digress, comrades. This new program claims to provide a "pathway" for up-and-coming indy wrestlers to potentially join the ranks of WWE. How generous of them! It's almost as if they're creating their own wrestling collective, minus the part where the workers own the means of production. I'm sure this has nothing to do with stifling competition or monopolizing talent. No, no, this is clearly all about "raising the profile" and "strengthening the independent wrestling ecosystem." Just like how I strengthen the journalistic ecosystem of my beautiful nation by ensuring all newspapers print only what I approve!

The program will allegedly offer "world-class training, development, and mentorship" to these young, impressionable grapplers. I can only imagine the valuable lessons they'll learn:

Lesson 1: How to perfectly time your entrance music to maximize crowd indifference.
Lesson 2: The art of cutting a promo that says absolutely nothing over the course of 15 minutes.
Lesson 3: Advanced techniques in shaking The Undertaker's hand properly to avoid ending up in "Wrestler's Court."

Oh, and let's not forget the most crucial skill of all – how to perform the same match night after night with just enough variation to fool the audience into thinking it's fresh and exciting. It's like when I give the same speech about the glories of our revolution every year, but I change the color of my hat. The people eat it up!

But wait, there's more! WWE is graciously bestowing their "official designation" upon select independent wrestling schools. How magnanimous! I'm sure these schools will retain complete creative freedom and won't be subtly pressured to conform to the WWE style at all. It reminds me of the time I allowed "independent" political parties in my country. They were free to have any views they wanted, as long as those views aligned perfectly with mine.

And for those truly exceptional talents, there's the coveted "prospect" designation. These lucky few will receive financial opportunities and access to WWE's world-class facilities. I can only imagine the joy on their faces as they learn to navigate the treacherous waters of "wrestler's court" and master the delicate art of not accidentally becoming more popular than the company's chosen stars.

But the real genius of this program, comrades, is how it allows WWE to showcase these indy darlings on their social media platforms. It's like they're creating their own little farming system, where they can pluck the ripest talents before they have a chance to grow too big for their britches in the indy scene, or worse, sign with AEW. It's almost as efficient as my own system of talent acquisition, where I simply decree that all skilled workers must come work for the state or face… well, let's just say "early retirement."

Now, some might argue that this program could actually benefit indy wrestlers by providing them with resources and exposure. But we know better, don't we, comrades? This is clearly just another step in WWE's master plan to assimilate all of professional wrestling into their corporate machine. Soon, there will be no escape from the endless sea of identical matches and cookie-cutter scripted promos.

But fear not, my friends! For as long as there are brave souls willing to wrestle in high school gyms and bingo halls for nothing more than a hot dog and a handshake, the true spirit of independent wrestling will never die. And if WWE thinks they can crush that spirit, well… they'll have to get in line behind the CIA.

This is El Presidente, signing off from my secret wrestling bunker. Remember, comrades – in wrestling, as in life, the real victory is not in winning the match, but in ensuring your opponent never gets a chance to compete in the first place. Viva la revolución!

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